Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)
'Manos' the Hands of Fate (1993)
Joel Hodgson: Joel Robinson
Quotes
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Joel : You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.
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[the Master confronts Torgo, who has just woken up. There is a long silence]
Joel : [yells] Do something! God!
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Joel : [dressed in a Manos-like robe] Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN!
Tom Servo : Oh, hi, Joel.
Joel : [softly] Oh, come on, Tom. I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me for I am the magnet and you are steel!
Tom Servo : Well, you look like Maude.
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[Torgo peeps in at Margaret as she undresses]
Joel : [to the 'bots] Oh, listen, you guys. That's it. This is not for your eyes. I don't care. Uh-uh.
Tom Servo : [excitedly as Joel covers his and Crow's eyes] What is it? What is it? What's going on, Joel?
Joel : Shame on you, Dr. Forrester. Have you no sense of decency?
Crow T. Robot : What? What? Is Torgo juggling?
Tom Servo : Joel, we can handle THIS.
Crow T. Robot : Ho-ho, it's the latest episode of the Taster's Choice saga.
Joel : Showers, anyone?
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Joel : [during The Master's uncomfortably long laughter scene] I think he has the most musical laugh I've heard.
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Joel : [as the master slowly awakens] Oh, man, I don't mind tellin' ya, my bladder has hit critical mass.
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[Watching Torgo walk over to the car]
Joel : Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow T. Robot : Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?
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[as the toga-wearing women wrestle in the desert in 'Manos: the Hands of Fate'...]
Joel : Next, on ESPN - Full-Contact Nightgown Wrestling.
Crow T. Robot : Designing Women: The Lost Episodes.
Tom Servo : And now the Manos Women's Guide will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel : You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow T. Robot : I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants! Ha-ha.
Tom Servo : You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I LIKE it, but it isn't Lysistrata.
Joel : You know, after this, they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each other's ears.
Crow T. Robot : Yep. Yep. It's the Wilson Phillips break up.
Tom Servo : Kind of wish this was shirts versus skins.
Joel : Heeey!
Crow T. Robot : Heh-heh-heh. Oh...
Tom Servo : Hoo-hoo, zing!
Joel : [sings] Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.
Crow T. Robot : [as the women continue wrestling] You know what this movie really needs?
Tom Servo : What's that?
Crow T. Robot : It's Mark Singer.
Joel : Oh, yeah.
Tom Servo : I'm guessin' THIS is the whole reason this movie was made, right here.
Joel : Pow! Boff! Smack!
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Joel : Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, uh, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.
[Crow pops up on a leash]
Joel : It's pretty scary.
Tom Servo : Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.
Crow T. Robot : Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?
Joel : But, Tom, look!
Tom Servo : C'mon, Joel! The cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.
Joel : Oh, c'mon. Look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...
Crow T. Robot : Uh, Joel, uh, Tom's right. Um, um... It's just not working. You're not the evil type.
Joel : W-what do you mean?
Crow T. Robot : Well, for one thing, your... your face is too friendly; uh, second, your eyebrows, they arc softly as opposed to jutting inward; and, well, frankly, Joel, you... blush in the most adorable way.
Joel : This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.
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Joel : What happened to the bright young Torgo I hired?
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Joel : "Manos: The Hands of Fate" was filmed on location in a vacant lot.
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Margaret : [singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...
Debbie , Tom Servo , Michael : [as Margaret sings "Merrily, merrily"...] Row, row, row your boat...
Tom Servo : Come on, sing, sing, sing, damn it, sing!
Margaret , Debbie , Tom Servo , Michael , Joel , Crow T. Robot : [MST3K gang joining in] Row, row, row your boat...
Tom Servo : [maniacally] That's it, sing, "Down the Stream," yes!
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[in the instructional short film 'Hired!,' the father slaps at his own head]
Joel : Gah! Flying elves are back!
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Joel : [when the family's car pulls over next to a razed paddock] Visit beautiful Ground Zero!
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Joel : You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos but made for a Womanos... I think.
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Master's wife : Maybe she's right. Maybe we should spare the child.
Joel : And spoil the rod.
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Joel : [about the Master] You know, as a boss, he should be building them up right now.
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Crow T. Robot : Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film.
Joel : Oh, the mads wouldn't do this. This is not a snuff film, I guarantee it.
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The Master : You have failed and you must die!
Joel : [as Torgo] You can't kill me, I quit!
[the Master advances]
Tom Servo : [as Torgo] I'm... going to have to ask for my last paycheck right now, Sir
[the Master's advance continues]
Crow T. Robot : [as Torgo] What? What? Neh. Uh. N-n-n-n.
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Joel : You know, uh, Torgo wobbles but he won't fall down.
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Crow T. Robot : [after ages of driving footage] NO. Now their going back the other way.
Joel : Hey, let's just pretend we're watching 'Trip to Bountiful,' huh?
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Joel , Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : [in unison] Ziggy has Garfield neutered? Now that's funny!
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Crow T. Robot : In summary... "Manos: The Hands of Fate."
Joel : Manos, the Hands of Fate. Manos.
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Joel : Are you part of the movie we're in?
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Joel : Man, I can't help but wonder what this cast party was like when they shot this.
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Joel : Visit beautiful Ground Zero.
