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"Mystery Science Theater 3000" 'Manos' the Hands of Fate (TV Episode 1993) Poster

Quotes

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Joel: You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.

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Joel: So, it's Manos...

Crow T. Robot: ...the Hands of Fate?

Joel: Yes.

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Tom Servo: You know, there are certain flaws in this film.

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Crow T. Robot: [Torgo has left the family's bags into the house] I LeFt a piEce of cHeWed GuM on yoUr pilLoW.

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[shot of a burning torch]

Crow T. Robot: I'm Tom Bodett, and we'll leave a pyre on for ya.

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[the Master confronts Torgo, who has just woken up. There is a long silence]

Joel: [yells] Do something! God!

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The Master: Silence!

Joel: Is golden!

The Master: Silence!

Joel: Is golden!

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[as the toga-wearing women wrestle in the desert in 'Manos: the Hands of Fate'... ]

Joel: Next, on ESPN - Full-Contact Nightgown Wrestling.

Crow T. Robot: Designing Women: The Lost Episodes.

Tom Servo: And now the Manos Women's Guide will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.

Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.

Crow T. Robot: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants! Ha-ha.

Tom Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I LIKE it, but it isn't Lysistrata.

Joel: You know, after this, they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each other's ears.

Crow T. Robot: Yep. Yep. It's the Wilson Phillips break up.

Tom Servo: Kind of wish this was shirts versus skins.

Joel: Heeey!

Crow T. Robot: Heh-heh-heh. Oh...

Tom Servo: Hoo-hoo, zing!

Joel: [sings] Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.

Crow T. Robot: [as the women continue wrestling] You know what this movie really needs?

Tom Servo: What's that?

Crow T. Robot: It's Mark Singer.

Joel: Oh, yeah.

Tom Servo: I'm guessin' THIS is the whole reason this movie was made, right here.

Joel: Pow! Boff! Smack!

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Joel: [dressed in a Manos-like robe] Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN!

Tom Servo: Oh, hi, Joel.

Joel: [softly] Oh, come on, Tom. I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me for I am the magnet and you are steel!

Tom Servo: Well, you look like Maude.

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Tom Servo: Torgo, you're missin' the fight. Get your dress on and get in there!

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Joel: [as the master slowly awakens] Oh, man, I don't mind tellin' ya, my bladder has hit critical mass.

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Joel: [during The Master's uncomfortably long laughter scene] I think he has the most musical laugh I've heard.

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[Watching Torgo walk over to the car]

Joel: Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.

Crow T. Robot: Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?

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Crow T. Robot: I wish those hands would just push him over.

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[a child comes home leading a devil dog]

Crow T. Robot: It's a devil and it's fun!

Tom Servo: His name's Mephisto, can we keep him?

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Dr. Forrester: Frank, where is our pizza? It's been two hours since you ordered.

TV's Frank: Well, I called Togo's Pizza. They were busy, so I ended up having to order from Torgo's Pizza.

Dr. Forrester: Come in.

Torgo: [Torgo enters, the music from 'Manos: The Hands of Fate' in the background] LaRgE SaUsAgE AnD MuShRoOm... ThIn CrUsT?

TV's Frank: That's us.

Torgo: ThE ToTaL Is $14.50, pLeaSe.

Dr. Forrester: Here!

Torgo: Do... YoU HaVe AnYtHiNg SmAlLeR? I OnLy CaRrY TwEnTy DoLlArS In ChAnGe.

Dr. Forrester: That's all I have.

TV's Frank: I have a twenty.

Dr. Forrester: Well, why didn't you give him the twenty?

TV's Frank: I was... I was saving it, you know...

Dr. Forrester: Would you please give him the twenty?

Torgo: WeLl, ThAnK YoU. I'lL... GeT YoUr... ChAnGe.

Dr. Forrester: Oh, keep it!

Torgo: ThAnK YoU VeRy MuCh, SiR. LeT Me... JuSt GeT YoUr CoMpLiMeNtArY CrAzY BrEaD.

Dr. ForresterTV's Frank: NO! No, no, no, that's okay! That's quite all right.

TV's Frank: Hey, what about our pop?

Torgo: I LeFt It In ThE... CaR. I'lL Be RiGhT BaCk.

Dr. ForresterTV's Frank: Oh.

Dr. Forrester: Until next time, Joel. Push the Button, Frank.

TV's Frank: Say, you know, it's been two hours, but it's still pretty warm.

Torgo: [as Frank and Forrester spit up their pizza] ThEy AlWaYs Do ThAt.

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Margaret: Why don't we sing a song to help pass the time?

Tom Servo: Let's sing something from Pearl Jam.

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Crow T. Robot: [as Debbie, on the dog] His heartbeat's irregular!

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[Torgo peeps in at Margaret as she undresses]

Joel: [to the 'bots] Oh, listen, you guys. That's it. This is not for your eyes. I don't care. Uh-uh.

Tom Servo: [excitedly as Joel covers his and Crow's eyes] What is it? What is it? What's going on, Joel?

Joel: Shame on you, Dr. Forrester. Have you no sense of decency?

Crow T. Robot: What? What? Is Torgo juggling?

Tom Servo: Joel, we can handle THIS.

Crow T. Robot: Ho-ho, it's the latest episode of the Taster's Choice saga.

Joel: Showers, anyone?

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Tom Servo: So, once again, in case you forgot... 'Manos: The Hands of Fate.'

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[in the instructional short film 'Hired!,' the father slaps at his own head]

Tom Servo: Gah! Flying elves are back!

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Joel: [when the family's car pulls over next to a razed paddock] Visit beautiful Ground Zero!

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Tom Servo: [the Master grabs Torgo's hand and pulls it towards the fire] Oh, this is gonna be just like in 'The Grifters'!

Tom Servo: [Torgo's hand bursts into flame and is severed] Only worse.

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Mr. Warren: I remember one of the first things that Harry drilled into me...

Crow T. Robot: Was Harry.

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TV's Frank: Uh, guys, uh, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but, uh...

Dr. Forrester: [off-screen] Frank, I'm out of the shower! I need you to towel me off!

TV's Frank: Uh, coming, sir!

TV's Frank: [hushed voice] Uh, I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about "Manos: the Hands of Fate." I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry.

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[Frank is dressed as an executioner]

Dr. Forrester: Oh, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me just say this about today's invention exchange - let them eat... chocolate.

TV's Frank: That's right J...

TV's Frank: [finds the mouth opening in his hood] That's right, Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.

Dr. Forrester: That's right, Frank.

Dr. Forrester: [steps aside to reveal guillotine] That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Heh-heh-heh-heh. Ready, Mr. Executioner?

TV's Frank: Yes, my liege.

Dr. Forrester: [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Uh, off with their head Frank.

[Frank cuts the string]

Dr. Forrester: And no chocolate mess. Well, poopsies?

Tom Servo: [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?

Crow T. Robot: Yeah. His only crime was being born delicious!

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Tom Servo: No, wait a minute. Did this movie just lap itself?

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Crow T. Robot: [as the demon dog,who stares at the camera] Can... can you hold that one card up? What's it say? Oh, yeah - 'Arf.

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Joel: Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, uh, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.

[Crow pops up on a leash]

Joel: It's pretty scary.

Tom Servo: Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?

Joel: But, Tom, look!

Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel! The cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.

Joel: Oh, c'mon. Look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...

Crow T. Robot: Uh, Joel, uh, Tom's right. Um, um... It's just not working. You're not the evil type.

Joel: W-what do you mean?

Crow T. Robot: Well, for one thing, your... your face is too friendly; uh, second, your eyebrows, they arc softly as opposed to jutting inward; and, well, frankly, Joel, you... blush in the most adorable way.

Joel: This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.

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[during yet another driving scene in Manos]

Tom Servo: So... so I told Gary that I was going on this vacation, so he goes "Well, then, I'm going hunting with Jeff next weekend." Well, that's when we were at knives, and then Lou sang 'Fernando' and then Gary - oh, he sings so good... , Oh, you should meet Jeff sometime. Do you like Barry Manilow songs? I know the farmers need rain, but when it's damp like this my hair just explodes. Just ex-PAH-LO-des. Ooh, ooh, feeling kinda gassy. McNuggets you know. They make me so gassy, all that grease and all. It really helps if you drink eight to ten glasses of water a day. Did you know that? Sometimes I drink five. Sometimes I drink nine just to make up for the other three I didn't drink. Coffee and diet drinks don't count either. You know this is pretty country isn't it. You know, it's really kind of a blessing in disguise that I didn't get accepted to college, huh? You know, I'm gonna have to revise my twenty-year plan but... Oh, did I tell you about my twenty-year plan? Okay, well, okay, listen here. In year one, this is the year when I'm gonna take off those extra seven pounds. You know, that's equal to seven pounds of butter. Heh-heh. So it's like I'm wearin' seven pounds of butter. Ha! Heh, huh, now, oh, oh, where was I? Oh, oh, yeah, so my aunt and uncle here, they celebrated their twentieth anniversary, and my uncle here wanted to sing, uh, 'Sunset Sunrise.' He wanted ME to sing it, and I haven't sung that since Cindy's wedding and, well, she never thanked me for that. Well, I'm still... Uh, well, she's probably really busy and all with...

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Joel: What happened to the bright young Torgo I hired?

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Joel: "Manos: The Hands of Fate" was filmed on location in a vacant lot.

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Crow T. Robot: Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film.

Joel: Oh, the mads wouldn't do this. This is not a snuff film, I guarantee it.

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Crow T. Robot: [when Torgo appears one bit of music keeps playing over and over] Ahh, yes, the haunting Torgo theme.

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Dr. Forrester: Dig this, mes amis. Your "average" Joe has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average" person on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average." I give to you "Manos: the Hands of Fate," served with a short, the stirring conclusion to "Hired!"

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Dr. Forrester: Uh, hi, fellas. Look, I, uh, I-I just wanted to let you know, I know this movie's a tough one, and I just wanted to let you know I feel for ya. I...

TV's Frank: [off-screen] Doctor? Caramel corn's ready. Do you want it in your Little Mermaid bowl?

Dr. Forrester: Uh, fine, sure.

Dr. Forrester: Now, you realize if you tell Frank I've done this, I'll have to kill him, so let's not, okay? 'Nuff said? All righty? Buh-bye.

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Margaret: "Wants" me? What kind of talk is that?

Crow T. Robot: Why, it's oily, sleazy talk.

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Tom Servo: [seeing Torgo cornering Margret and stroking her hair] When carnies flirt.

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The Master: If you persist in this foolishness...

Tom Servo: I'll take your charge cards! Thank you, good night.

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Crow T. Robot: [on Torgo] He's got Earl Campbell thighs.

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Torgo: You cannot stay. The master would not approve.

Tom Servo: Oh, what DOES the master approve?

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Master's wife: Your power failed you.

Crow T. Robot: You know what she's REALLY saying.

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The Master: Arise my wives...

Crow T. Robot: And iron my work shirt!

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[the Master leans over and touches a stone]

Crow T. Robot: EHHH! Uh, Stephanie, bring me some coffee and a pop tart.

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The Master: You have failed and you must die!

Joel: [as Torgo] You can't kill me, I quit!

[the Master advances]

Tom Servo: [as Torgo] I'm... going to have to ask for my last paycheck right now, Sir

[the Master's advance continues]

Crow T. Robot: [as Torgo] What? What? Neh. Uh. N-n-n-n.

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Crow T. Robot: [to Joel] You see this butt? Well, kick this butt.

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Joel: You know, uh, Torgo wobbles but he won't fall down.

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[Torgo is reaching uncomfortably up Margret's shoulder]

Tom Servo: [singing] I want a lover with a slow hand...

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Crow T. Robot: [after ages of driving footage] NO. Now their going back the other way.

Joel: Hey, let's just pretend we're watching 'Trip to Bountiful,' huh?

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Margaret: [singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

DebbieTom ServoMichael: [as Margaret sings "Merrily, merrily"... ] Row, row, row your boat...

Tom Servo: Come on, sing, sing, sing, damn it, sing!

MargaretDebbieTom ServoMichaelJoelCrow T. Robot: [MST3K gang joining in] Row, row, row your boat...

Tom Servo: [maniacally] That's it, sing, "Down the Stream," yes!

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Crow T. Robot: You led me on, you gave me mixed signals.

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Tom Servo: Torgo, you're the laziest man on Mars.

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JoelCrow T. RobotTom Servo: [in unison] Ziggy has Garfield neutered? Now that's funny!

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Old Man Warren: Remember how closely he worked with you the first year? He used to tell me about it.

Tom Servo: He ripped you a new one everyday.

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Crow T. Robot: Goodnight. Stay pink, soft and oily.

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Tom Servo: [referencing Frank Zappa's "Dirty Love"] Hey, look! Poodle bites, poodle chews.

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Crow T. Robot: [as scenes of farmland go by] I'm sure they dissolve to the same scene.

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Crow T. Robot: In summary... "Manos: The Hands of Fate."

Joel: Manos, the Hands of Fate. Manos.

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Joel: Are you part of the movie we're in?

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Tom Servo: The rod and thy staff discomfort me.

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Joel: Man, I can't help but wonder what this cast party was like when they shot this.

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Tom Servo: Uh-oh. Officer Interruptus.

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The Master: Give ear to our words, O Manos, and hear us. Hear us. Hear us!

Tom Servo: [quietly] Okay.

The Master: For we are faithful and thou art our god.

Tom Servo: The black and red Moses of soul.

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Joel: You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos but made for a Womanos... I think.

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Master's wife: Maybe she's right. Maybe we should spare the child.

Joel: And spoil the rod.

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Crow T. Robot: Is she telling him a secret?

Joel: Mm-hm.

Crow T. Robot: All over him.

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Tom Servo: Oh, come on, die. My arms are getting tired.

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Michael: Listen, we can lock ourselves in the kitchen. I have my gun.

Tom Servo: What?

Tom Servo: [as Mike] Honey, I'm brilliant. You could kiss me!

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Crow T. Robot: [noting on the all day/all night patrolmen] These guys have the longest shift.

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Crow T. Robot: [as the flute music continues] Look, can we drop off Tim Weisberg, now?

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Tom Servo: [as a vocalist belts out the theme song] I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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