Shared with you
- Joel: [during The Master's uncomfortably long laughter scene] I think he has the most musical laugh I've heard.
- Crow T. Robot: [Torgo has left the family's bags into the house] I LeFt a piEce of cHeWed GuM on yoUr pilLoW.
- [the Master confronts Torgo, who has just woken up. There is a long silence]
- Joel: [yells] Do something! God!
- Joel: [dressed in a Manos-like robe] Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN!
- Tom Servo: Oh, hi, Joel.
- Joel: [softly] Oh, come on, Tom. I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me for I am the magnet and you are steel!
- Tom Servo: Well, you look like Maude.
- [Torgo peeps in at Margaret as she undresses]
- Joel: [to the 'bots] Oh, listen, you guys. That's it. This is not for your eyes. I don't care. Uh-uh.
- Tom Servo: [excitedly as Joel covers his and Crow's eyes] What is it? What is it? What's going on, Joel?
- Joel: Shame on you, Dr. Forrester. Have you no sense of decency?
- Crow T. Robot: What? What? Is Torgo juggling?
- Tom Servo: Joel, we can handle THIS.
- Crow T. Robot: Ho-ho, it's the latest episode of the Taster's Choice saga.
- Joel: Showers, anyone?
- Joel: [during The Master's uncomfortably long laughter scene] I think he has the most musical laugh I've heard.
- TV's Frank: Uh, guys, uh, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but, uh...
- Dr. Forrester: [off-screen] Frank, I'm out of the shower! I need you to towel me off!
- TV's Frank: Uh, coming, sir!
- TV's Frank: [hushed voice] Uh, I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about "Manos: the Hands of Fate." I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry.
- Dr. Forrester: Frank, where is our pizza? It's been two hours since you ordered.
- TV's Frank: Well, I called Togo's Pizza. They were busy, so I ended up having to order from Torgo's Pizza.
- Dr. Forrester: Come in.
- Torgo: [Torgo enters, the music from 'Manos: The Hands of Fate' in the background] LaRgE SaUsAgE AnD MuShRoOm... ThIn CrUsT?
- TV's Frank: That's us.
- Torgo: ThE ToTaL Is $14.50, pLeaSe.
- Dr. Forrester: Here!
- Torgo: Do... YoU HaVe AnYtHiNg SmAlLeR? I OnLy CaRrY TwEnTy DoLlArS In ChAnGe.
- Dr. Forrester: That's all I have.
- TV's Frank: I have a twenty.
- Dr. Forrester: Well, why didn't you give him the twenty?
- TV's Frank: I was... I was saving it, you know...
- Dr. Forrester: Would you please give him the twenty?
- Torgo: WeLl, ThAnK YoU. I'lL... GeT YoUr... ChAnGe.
- Dr. Forrester: Oh, keep it!
- Torgo: ThAnK YoU VeRy MuCh, SiR. LeT Me... JuSt GeT YoUr CoMpLiMeNtArY CrAzY BrEaD.
- Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: NO! No, no, no, that's okay! That's quite all right.
- TV's Frank: Hey, what about our pop?
- Torgo: I LeFt It In ThE... CaR. I'lL Be RiGhT BaCk.
- Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: Oh.
- Dr. Forrester: Until next time, Joel. Push the Button, Frank.
- TV's Frank: Say, you know, it's been two hours, but it's still pretty warm.
- Torgo: [as Frank and Forrester spit up their pizza] ThEy AlWaYs Do ThAt.
- Joel: [as the master slowly awakens] Oh, man, I don't mind tellin' ya, my bladder has hit critical mass.
- [Frank is dressed as an executioner]
- Dr. Forrester: Oh, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me just say this about today's invention exchange - let them eat... chocolate.
- TV's Frank: That's right J...
- TV's Frank: [finds the mouth opening in his hood] That's right, Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
- Dr. Forrester: That's right, Frank.
- Dr. Forrester: [steps aside to reveal guillotine] That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Heh-heh-heh-heh. Ready, Mr. Executioner?
- TV's Frank: Yes, my liege.
- Dr. Forrester: [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Uh, off with their head Frank.
- [Frank cuts the string]
- Dr. Forrester: And no chocolate mess. Well, poopsies?
- Tom Servo: [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
- Crow T. Robot: Yeah. His only crime was being born delicious!
- Crow T. Robot: [as the demon dog,who stares at the camera] Can... can you hold that one card up? What's it say? Oh, yeah - 'Arf.
- [Watching Torgo walk over to the car]
- Joel: Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
- Crow T. Robot: Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?
- [as the toga-wearing women wrestle in the desert in 'Manos: the Hands of Fate'...]
- Joel: Next, on ESPN - Full-Contact Nightgown Wrestling.
- Crow T. Robot: Designing Women: The Lost Episodes.
- Tom Servo: And now the Manos Women's Guide will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
- Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
- Crow T. Robot: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants! Ha-ha.
- Tom Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I LIKE it, but it isn't Lysistrata.
- Joel: You know, after this, they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each other's ears.
- Crow T. Robot: Yep. Yep. It's the Wilson Phillips break up.
- Tom Servo: Kind of wish this was shirts versus skins.
- Joel: Heeey!
- Crow T. Robot: Heh-heh-heh. Oh...
- Tom Servo: Hoo-hoo, zing!
- Joel: [sings] Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.
- Crow T. Robot: [as the women continue wrestling] You know what this movie really needs?
- Tom Servo: What's that?
- Crow T. Robot: It's Mark Singer.
- Joel: Oh, yeah.
- Tom Servo: I'm guessin' THIS is the whole reason this movie was made, right here.
- Joel: Pow! Boff! Smack!
- Crow T. Robot: [when Torgo appears one bit of music keeps playing over and over] Ahh, yes, the haunting Torgo theme.
- [a child comes home leading a devil dog]
- Crow T. Robot: It's a devil and it's fun!
- Tom Servo: His name's Mephisto, can we keep him?
- Joel: Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, uh, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.
- [Crow pops up on a leash]
- Joel: It's pretty scary.
- Tom Servo: Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.
- Crow T. Robot: Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?
- Joel: But, Tom, look!
- Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel! The cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.
- Joel: Oh, c'mon. Look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...
- Crow T. Robot: Uh, Joel, uh, Tom's right. Um, um... It's just not working. You're not the evil type.
- Joel: W-what do you mean?
- Crow T. Robot: Well, for one thing, your... your face is too friendly; uh, second, your eyebrows, they arc softly as opposed to jutting inward; and, well, frankly, Joel, you... blush in the most adorable way.
- Joel: This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.
- [during yet another driving scene in Manos]
- Tom Servo: So... so I told Gary that I was going on this vacation, so he goes "Well, then, I'm going hunting with Jeff next weekend." Well, that's when we were at knives, and then Lou sang 'Fernando' and then Gary - oh, he sings so good... , Oh, you should meet Jeff sometime. Do you like Barry Manilow songs? I know the farmers need rain, but when it's damp like this my hair just explodes. Just ex-PAH-LO-des. Ooh, ooh, feeling kinda gassy. McNuggets you know. They make me so gassy, all that grease and all. It really helps if you drink eight to ten glasses of water a day. Did you know that? Sometimes I drink five. Sometimes I drink nine just to make up for the other three I didn't drink. Coffee and diet drinks don't count either. You know this is pretty country isn't it. You know, it's really kind of a blessing in disguise that I didn't get accepted to college, huh? You know, I'm gonna have to revise my twenty-year plan but... Oh, did I tell you about my twenty-year plan? Okay, well, okay, listen here. In year one, this is the year when I'm gonna take off those extra seven pounds. You know, that's equal to seven pounds of butter. Heh-heh. So it's like I'm wearin' seven pounds of butter. Ha! Heh, huh, now, oh, oh, where was I? Oh, oh, yeah, so my aunt and uncle here, they celebrated their twentieth anniversary, and my uncle here wanted to sing, uh, 'Sunset Sunrise.' He wanted ME to sing it, and I haven't sung that since Cindy's wedding and, well, she never thanked me for that. Well, I'm still... Uh, well, she's probably really busy and all with...
- Dr. Forrester: Dig this, mes amis. Your "average" Joe has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average" person on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average." I give to you "Manos: the Hands of Fate," served with a short, the stirring conclusion to "Hired!"
- Dr. Forrester: Uh, hi, fellas. Look, I, uh, I-I just wanted to let you know, I know this movie's a tough one, and I just wanted to let you know I feel for ya. I...
- TV's Frank: [off-screen] Doctor? Caramel corn's ready. Do you want it in your Little Mermaid bowl?
- Dr. Forrester: Uh, fine, sure.
- Dr. Forrester: Now, you realize if you tell Frank I've done this, I'll have to kill him, so let's not, okay? 'Nuff said? All righty? Buh-bye.
- Margaret: [singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...
- Debbie, Tom Servo, Michael: [as Margaret sings "Merrily, merrily"...] Row, row, row your boat...
- Tom Servo: Come on, sing, sing, sing, damn it, sing!
- Margaret, Debbie, Tom Servo, Michael, Joel, Crow T. Robot: [MST3K gang joining in] Row, row, row your boat...
- Tom Servo: [maniacally] That's it, sing, "Down the Stream," yes!
- [in the instructional short film 'Hired!,' the father slaps at his own head]
- Joel: Gah! Flying elves are back!
- Mr. Warren: I remember one of the first things that Harry drilled into me...
- Crow T. Robot: Was Harry.
- Tom Servo: [as a vocalist belts out the theme song] I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.
- Crow T. Robot: Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film.
- Joel: Oh, the mads wouldn't do this. This is not a snuff film, I guarantee it.
- The Master: If you persist in this foolishness...
- Tom Servo: I'll take your charge cards! Thank you, good night.