User Reviews

This film was written, directed and starred in (plays Simon Conjurer) by Stuart Paul, who took his name from the credits completely. It was produced in 2006 under the name The Legend of Simon Conjurer, and yes it is Jon Voight under all that makeup and a fat suit.

At 138 minutes it's too long by 128 minutes, and I can well understand why Stuart Paul with-held his name from this his own writing and directing creation.

It's appalling.

A twee message movie, not ever sure whether it's supposed to be an adult tale for children (but far too much language), a children's story for adults (too childish and simplistic) a parody (of pantomimes ?) or a comedy (unfunny in the extreme) the film fails on all levels, despite Jon Voight describing it as an adventure none have gone on before.

Or will ever want to again, Jon.

This movie genuinely felt like someone was trying to hypnotize me into believing that mental illness doesn't exist. The best scene in the film was when Jon Voight found a sword, turned a rooftop into a pirate ship with a plank off which to push Simon Conjooror to his death- none of which happened. Jon Voight was reading from "The Book" which we find out twenty excruciating minutes later is blank. None of the movie happened. The main characters wake up from their trance at the beginning of the movie without the vices they started with. And then Simon tells his Principal that he had a sex dream with her that he'd like to recreate. This movie is in-your-face bad but I had a pretty good time.

There's a lot of speculation on the internet as to whether this film is fake or legit. Mystery solved. It's real. And real bad!

I can't begin to tell you how amazingly awful this film is.....but I'll try.

1) The movie is WAY over 2 hours, and seriously, there are only about 6 scenes in the whole film. They NEVER END. (And every scene consists of characters basically saying "No" or "What are you talking about?" or "I'm not doing that!" or "I'm staying here" or "Why should we listen to you?" over and over and over again. And whenever the plot comes to a screeching halt, the characters are quiet for a few seconds before one of them blurts out "Let's see what the book says!")

2) Every single shot is held too long. I'm talking about reaction shots that last about 15-20 seconds. It's INSANE! The movie could seriously be 90 minutes if it were edited competently! And each time there's a "big" moment, the director and editor cut to EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER for a reaction shot. And there are like a dozen characters to cut to. By the sixth cutaway, your laughter will become uncontrollable.

3) As the film chugs along, each "character" is "cured" of their hilariously one-dimensional problem. (Even "Saved by the Bell" had more intelligent portrayals of addiction.) After each character gets to the root of their problem, Rebel (yes, that's a character) will say "One down, nine to go." Or "Three down, seven to go." Or "Eight down, two to go!" Every time it happens, it's like an evil taunt from filmmaker to audience. "HA! I'm not done with you yet! There's still another HOUR of film to sit through!!!"

4) Monologues, monologues, monologues. Nearly every scene contains a monologue or two (or seven) but they're not monologues really. It's more like....how can I say this? A character will repeat the same thought about 90 times, but in different words. Something like "Wow. I don't need to drink anymore. I used to be a drunk, but now I don't need to drink. It's amazing that I don't need to drink alcohol anymore. How great is it that I don't need to drink! I don't want to drink. I don't NEED to drink!"

5) Inexplicably, everyone pronounces Simon Conjurer's name as Simon ConJURer. It never gets old. It's hysterical EVERY SINGLE TIME.

6) There's a gratuitous sex scene in a waterfall shower which features dialogue like "I'm so wet" and "Now we're BOTH wet." It's hard to tell whether the characters are talking dirty to each other or just exchanging puns. Plus, while the woman is COMPLETELY naked, the man keeps his pants on for the (ridiculously long) exchange. It's exploitation at its finest!

7) About 4 or 5 times, the audience is treated to 360-degree SLLLLLOOOOOWWW pans. As my friend said, by the 190-degree mark, you realize that the director's committed to this shot for the long haul so just sit back and enjoy every pointless moment of it.

8) Michel Legrand composed the score, which is so over-the-top and bombastic that your heart cries a little bit, in a bad way, when you realize that this is the same guy who created the music for "The Umbrellas of Cherbourg." I guess the French are known for their cheese...

9) The mysterious writer/director is listed as "?" on all the promotional materials (and his name is obstructed during the opening credit sequence). However, after some minor (and I mean MINOR) surfing on the film's website, you can see that it's Stuart Paul. (The filmmakers can't even run a "secret" ad campaign properly!!) Even better, Stuart Paul explains his decision to remove his name from the film at the tail of the end credits. This explanation alone is worth the $10 ticket. It refers to an army of "uncivilized forces" that tried to prevent the film from being made. It's MINDBOGGLING.

10) Jon Voight. Penis statue. Gun. Need I say more?

Seriously, I have a lot of affection for this puppy. I adore great bad movies and this one really takes the cake. It should be shown in every film class as an example of what NOT to do.

Forget "Snakes on a Plane." Summer '06 is all about The Legend of Simon Conjurer!" (I mean, ConJURer.)