- Leonard Driscoll: [narrating] Federal Agent Sam Casey. Born April 16, 1958. New York City, New York. Received Juris Doctor degree from Harvard Law School, 1983.
- Mike Nelson: Under "Operation: Admit the Dumb".
- Mike Nelson: [sung to a country tune] Let's keep America for Americans and send all the Indians back to Africa!
- [as the end credits roll, there is a credit for "story consultant"]
- Crow T. Robot: [stunned] Story consultant?
- Tom Servo: [as story consultant] Yes, I advise you to hire the most annoying cracker you can find and then slam together two incomprehensible plotlines.
- Sam Casey: I'm coming up on your mudflaps at sixty-seven.
- Crow T. Robot: "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
- Mike Nelson: My well-oiled chassis is coming up on your backside now.
- Tom Servo: My rigid grill structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo door.
- Crow T. Robot: My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that... sweet honeypot of yours.
- Mike Nelson: CROW!
- [a couple of thugs have just attacked Dr. Hale in the parking lot]
- Sam Casey: Listen, you got any idea who those turkeys were?
- Crow T. Robot: [as Casey] Were they butterballs?
- Dr. Hale: We'll get to that after the meeting.
- Tom Servo: [as Hale] We'll have a turkey update.
- Mike Nelson: [as Sam Casey] I seek Robert Denby. I need to find out why I was considered as elusive as him.
- Robert Denby: Having a little trouble with your ethics, Leonard?
- Leonard Driscoll: None, turkey!
- Tom Servo: [as Denby] Well, sit on it, you nerd!
- [according to the end credits, the movie was based on a book by H.G. Wells]
- Tom Servo: Not *the* H.G. Wells. Hud Gomer Wells.
- Leonard Driscoll: It was rented out last night to a man named Luther Stark
- Sam Casey: Luther Stark?
- Mike Nelson: Of the Stark Nakeds?