- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [Reading his mother's lips in the home movie] "I love you, Walter."
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Gee, Dad, talkies.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Who's Walter?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: That's my given name.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Give it back.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Frank calls home after getting a letter from his wife asking for a divorce] Listen, sugar, I just got your letter and honey, sugar, I can't believe it. I just can't, y'know, believe it. Darling, you know that the moment I met you I lost all interest in women.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [while Burns is reading a letter from his wife] Everything okay at home, Frank?
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Uh... fine! Yeah... the... uh... crabgrass is in bloom, the cat had puppies...
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Is my call through to Indiana yet?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Not right now sir, I've got another call going through to Ohio.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Don't give *me* any of your snottiness! I'm not that old dimwit you work for!
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Ohio call's mine, Major.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [laughing nervously] Sir... I... uh... just a little joke with Radar.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'd watch that dimwit talk, Burns. Your bulb's been out since I met you.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Where's Frank, Margaret? Still trying to call home?
- Major Margaret Houlihan: There's a crisis.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hurricane named Louise.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I'd love to tap into that conversation.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I'd love to be a mouse with earphones.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Oh you'd just love to see me squirm, wouldn't you?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Can I slip into something comfy first?
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Talking to his wife on the phone] Houlihan? Well we have a Major Houlihan, but that's laughable! I mean... hah... Major Houlihan's an old war horse!
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Talking to his wife on the phone] Attractive? Houlihan? She looks like an army mule with bosoms.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: [Throws a chair at Burns after she listens in on Burns' conversation with his wife] WAR HORSE? ARMY MULE?
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Surprised] Margaret!
- Major Margaret Houlihan: STUFF IT!
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Chases after Hot Lips] Margaret! Margaret, I had to say all those things. Try to understand!
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Grabbing Hot Lips' arm] Margaret, please!
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Follows Hot Lips to her tent] Margaret! I had to lie. The stocks and the house are in her name!
- [Hot Lips slams tent door in Burns' face]
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Burns turns on the charm] Uh... Margaret, dear, why don't I bring over my can of Sterno, and we can have some hot totties and you can put on your new nighty.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: [Opens tent door and throws nighty in Burns' face] *YOU* put on my new nighty!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I lost the baby pool.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, bless my soul! I won!
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: A little inside information, Father?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Not at all. I just know a little more about conceptions.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [Giving B.J. his letters] And from Waggle Hunnicut.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: My dog.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Your dog?
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: My wife does the actual writing, actually.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Surely you jest!
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [laughs] Dogs can't write!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Are you kidding? I once knew a cocker spaniel that covered the dog show for the New York Times.
- [Radar laughs more]
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Oh yeah, he would've won the Pulitzer Prize, but that was the year Joyce Kilmer wrote "Trees".
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: City General... that's where my son was born. 1926. My wife went into labor the minute she heard Valentino died.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Gee, I hope she's better now, sir.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Coming along.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Sir, your home phone is ringing.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Louise? Louise, can you hear me? Huh? Well, it's me... Frank.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Frank Burns.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Frank Burns.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Music has charms to soothe the savage breast.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I don't know much about those, sir.