- Frank Barone: Bad animals go to hell, kid. Believe you me, I know. When I was your age, there was this mean old German Shepherd named Ilsa. I was walking to school one day and I must have crossed too close to her territory. In those days, the Germans were very sensitive about their territory. Well, that's all it took for Fraeulein Ilsa, the Nazi she-wolf, to jump out and take a hunk out of my all-American hide. I still have the scar. You want to see it? I'll show you...
- [Frank stands up and begins to unbuckle his trousers. Raymond, Debra, and Marie protest]
- Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Dad, Dad, Dad! What are you doing? Sit down!
- Frank Barone: Oh, all right! The point is, Fraeulein Ilsa is probably in hell right now, dragging her Nazi butt across the devil's carpet.
- Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Thank you for that heart-warming story.
- Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Come on, Dad. Again, with the metal-detector? What are you doing?
- Frank Barone: Your mother's birthday's coming up.
- Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Dad, there's nothing here but rocks and dirt.
- Marie Barone: That's better than what he got me last year.
- Michael Barone: [during the funeral] I miss you, Pumpernickel.
- Geoffrey Barone: I miss you too, Pumpernickel.
- Raymond 'Ray' Barone: [Frank is going around in the rain with a metal detector] Dad... Not with the metal detector.
- Frank Barone: You're mother's birthday is coming up.
- Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Dad, all you're going to find is dirt, leaves and worms.
- Marie Barone: That's better than what he gave me last year!