- [as Marge is on her way home, Homer tries to think how to tell her Maggie has wandered away]
- Homer Simpson: Marge, Maggie was very young. It's not like we got so attached to her... NO!
- Chief Wiggum: Don't you worry, Mr. Mayor. This little bird will be crackin' rocks by the end of the week.
- Mayor Quimby: Wiggum, you glorified night watchman, let her go!
- Chief Wiggum: But... she broke the law.
- Mayor Quimby: Thanks for the civics lesson. Now listen me: if Marge Simpson goes to jail, I can kiss the chick vote goodbye. And if I go down, you're gonna break my fall!
- Chief Wiggum: Word to the wise, Quimby: don't write checks your butt can't cash.
- Mayor Quimby: Hear me loud and clear, Wiggum: you bite me, I'll bite back!
- Chief Wiggum: You talk the talk, Quimby, but do you walk the walk?
- Marge Simpson: Homer, if Maggie really doesn't want to go, maybe she should stay here with you.
- Patty: Are you sure that's wise? He'll probably trade her for a beer and a nudie magazine.
- [first lines; Homer chases Bart through the house in his underwear, knocking over and breaking a lamp]
- Marge Simpson: I am not cleaning that... who am I kidding?
- Kent Brockman: Hello, this is Kent Brockman, reporting to you live from Arnie Pie's traffic copter. But let me assure you that this is no mere morning traffic report...
- Arnie Pie: Hey!
- Kent Brockman: Face the facts, Arnie.
- Marge Simpson: Kids! hurry up or you're gonna miss your bus!
- Lisa Simpson: [apathetically] No way.
- Bart: [apathetically] Never happen.
- [the bus drives off]
- Bart: Well, I'll be damned.
- [Bart and Lisa are in Patty and Selma's car. As Homer brings Maggie outside, she takes one look at her aunts, then grabs the doorjamb, refusing to go]
- Lisa Simpson: Wish I'd thought of that.
- Barney Gumble: [while holding Maggie] Whoa! Someone smells stinky!
- [sniffs the air]
- Barney Gumble: Oh, it's me.
- [as Marge train pulls away]
- Marge Simpson: Goodbye, Homie.
- Homer Simpson: [running after her] Goodbye? Where's my clean underwear?
- Marge Simpson: Check the dryer!
- Homer Simpson: How often should I change Maggie?
- Marge Simpson: Whenever she needs it!
- Homer Simpson: Marge, Marge! How do I use the pressure cooker!
- Marge Simpson: Don't!
- [Marge has had a nervous breakdown and parked her car in the middle of a bridge. Homer comes rushing up]
- Homer Simpson: Let me through, let me through! I'm her husband!
- Eddie: Well, that explains a lot.
- [he and Lou laugh, then sigh]
- Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.
- Lisa Simpson: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked.
- [speaking of Patty and Selma]
- Bart: WUAAAHHH!
- Troy McClure: I'm Troy McClure; you might remember me from such films as: "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" and "Glady the Groovy Mule".
- [last lines; Marge is home after taking a vacation by herself, and the house nearly went to pieces without her]
- Marge Simpson: And from now on, I hope you'll to help out a little more than you're used to.
- Homer Simpson: You got it, sweet heart. Do you have enough blanket there?
- Marge Simpson: Well, I could use a little more. And sometimes I want a little time to myself. and I expect you to help.
- Bart: Mom?
- [Widen to show that Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are sharing the bed with Homer and Marge]
- Bart: I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about. Now let's just try to get a little shut-eye, huh?
- [He turns out the light. The whole family lets out a sigh. Marge and Homer's eyes close, then Bart and Lisa's. Finally, Maggie's eyes droop, and close]