- Reese: I love this new job. If you claim to be a doctor on the phone, no one questions it. Not even other doctors.
- Hal: Malcolm, I can't believe what I'm hearing. Your best friend is in the hospital, and you're here helping me stalk a 10-year-old.
- Malcolm: I'm trying, but visiting someone in the hospital isn't as easy as you might think.
- Hal: Malcolm, don't you see what you're doing? You're just avoiding an unpleasant situation.
- Malcolm: I know. It's just that Stevie and I have never really talked seriously about his illnesses. We've kind of had this unspoken agreement that he was just a regular kid. If I had to see him lying in his hospital bed hooked up to God knows what, it's kind of hard to pretend like nothing's wrong. I just don't know what to say.
- Hal: Son, don't think about it. Sometimes all you have to say is hello.
- Malcolm: That's a great way to put it. So simple.
- Reese: [at home] Do you know how hard it was to get this job? Everywhere else I applied called my references! Thank God, Telemarking has no standards. Basically, I get to harrass old people and shut-ins all day. I'm getting paid to do what I love!
- Reese: [on the phone at his new job] Hello? I'm calling from Air Scrub Air Filters. No, n'no, don't put mommy on the 'phone. Just get her credit card.
- Reese: [later, Reese gets philosophical with a caller who is suicidal] Maybe life is like a roller coaster, and you only go down so you can have fun coming back up.
- Lois: [to Malcolm] How was Stevie?
- Malcolm: I didn't get to see him.
- Lois: You left for the hospital over three hours ago.
- Malcolm: I tried taking the express bus, but somehow, I ended up on a shuttle to the airport. Seriously, they need to label those things better.
- Lois: They're bright red and say "airport shuttle" on the side.
- Malcolm: We drove right past the hospital, but the stupid driver wouldn't let me out. When did people stop caring?
- Lois: Calm down, Malcolm. It's no big deal. You can go tomorrow.
- Malcolm: Yeah, if the buses will let me.
- Dewey: Mom, did you remember to buy the baking soda for my class project?
- Lois: Ah, I forgot.
- Dewey: What? I asked you like five times.
- Lois: That I remember.
- Dewey: My science partner's going to hate me. I was supposed to bring in the baking soda for a volcano. Now it's just going to be a mountain full of vinegar.
- Lois: Just do what your brother did. Take the baby powder and blame the guy who brought the vinegar.
- Lois: I think one of the boys is screwing with me. My bookmark was on the wrong page. I found a loose thread on my smock. The car radio was tuned to a station next to the one that I always listen to. Oh, my God, I sound insane, don't I?
- Hal: Honey, what you need is to take a step back and clear your head. You know what helps me? Working with Malcolm to weaponize my boat.