- [Maddie e-mailed a fake horoscope to London]
- Esteban: Should we be taking advantage of poor Miss London like this?
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: Please. When she had trouble potty-training her dog, she made you dress like a hydrant.
- Esteban: Ooh, let's really stick it to her gooooooooood!
- Spencer Moseby: [Spencer is apologising to Moseby for his behaviour] Oh, since I'm apologising; I'm sorry I shaved "dork" in your hair when you were five.
- Mr. Moseby: [shocked] You said that was the hair gremlin!
- Spencer Moseby: I lied.
- Mr. Moseby: WHAT?
- [circling his brother]
- Mr. Moseby: People called me "dork hair" for years! Including Mom!
- Spencer Moseby: Don't be mad because Mom liked me best!
- Mr. Moseby: Ohhhhhh, she did not! You know the reason why she treated you better!
- Spencer Moseby: Don't go there...
- Mr. Moseby: Oh yeah!
- Spencer Moseby: Don't *go* there!
- Mr. Moseby: Oh yeah! Because you were LACTOSE INTOLERANT!
- Spencer Moseby: Ooooooooohhhhhhh! You *went* there!
- Mr. Moseby: [laughs and taunts him childishly] Who's afraid of cheese? Who's afraid of cheese?
- [Spencer and Moseby start fighting]
- Zack Martin: I was at the park. There was a beautiful girl, we sat and talk, and we rode and talk and we ate ice cream and talked. Wow, girls can talk.
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: I can't believe we are going to a ball and riding the limo.
- Esteban: Where I come from, a limo is a llama pulling a cartridge. It's called the llamo.
- Spencer Moseby: [to Maddie] Nice to meet you. I don't know what you do, but I'm sure my brother underpays you.
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: That's for sure.
- [laughs; Mr. Moseby glares at her]
- Maddie Fitzpatrick: You said the customer is always right.
- Mr. Moseby: Yes, and so is the manager. Now, get back to your candy counter before I make you fix the "N."
- Cody Martin: Mom, I've got brother problems here.
- Mr. Moseby: Please do not talk to me about brothers. Spencer is giving me such a migraine.
- Cody Martin: Zack is selfish!
- Mr. Moseby: Spencer's a bully!
- Cody Martin: He doesn't listen!
- Mr. Moseby: He has no consideration for me!
- Cody Martin: And he stinks personality-wise, and frankly, his body odor.
- Mr. Moseby: Esteban, it's almost checkout time. Hurry up to Spencer's room and get his bags.
- Esteban: He is leaving so soon? It's only been one day.
- Mr. Moseby: One day is like seven years in Spencer time.
- Zack Martin: I can't believe Mom is making us buy our own bikes. What's she good for?
- Cody Martin: Food, shelter, clothing, love.
- Zack Martin: Well, you can't ride love to the mall.
- Mr. Moseby: Welcome, Spencer to the Tipton!
- Spencer Moseby: Actually, the light on the "n" blew out so now it's called the "Tipto."
- Mr. Moseby: Oh.
- London Tipton: I thought my last name was pronounced "Tipton."