- Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?
- Eleanor Mason: Bree!
- Bree: Oh, I slapped him once and he deserved it!
- Andrew Van De Kamp: I just asked her to stop drinking.
- Henry Mason: You were drinking?
- Eleanor Mason: She's in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair.
- Bree: Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car!
- Eleanor Mason: Is she okay?
- Bree: She's dead!
- Andrew Van De Kamp: Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!
- Bree: Andrew falsely accused me of molestation... in a mall!
- Karen McCluskey: Here's the big news. Parker offered me a fudgesicle if I would show him my vagina. Oh, good god, Lynette, relax. I didn't do it. I just got this out of the freezer a second ago.
- Lynette: Uh, yeah. Of course, no, sorry.
- Karen McCluskey: Apparently, Parker wanted to put a sunflower seed inside me and see if a baby would grow. Where do kids get this stuff?
- Lynette: Oh, that was me. He was asking about the birds and the bees and I fudged a few of the details. Well, he's only seven years old. I don't think he needs to know everything yet. I don't wanna rob him of his innocence.
- Karen McCluskey: Well, now, that's where you're wrong. You get 'em when they're young. Give 'em all the gory details. And then when they're good and disgusted, you shame 'em.
- Lynette: Excuse me?
- Karen McCluskey: You tell them sex is dirty and wrong and he shouldn't talk about it and if he does, he's going straight to hell.
- Lynette: That is ridiculous.
- Karen McCluskey: Spoken like a true liberal idiot.
- Lynette: No, I am not going to shame my son.
- Karen McCluskey: Mm, I'm telling ya, it works. It keeps people in their place, it keeps parents from being humiliated, and it keeps me from having to spend the afternoon talking about my woo-woo.
- [Bree has brought down a box of Andrew's porn]
- Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, dad, I-I forgot to warn you. These are some of Andrew's adult videos. I don't approve, but boys will be boys.
- [Henry files through the box of porn]
- Eleanor Mason: Oh, Henry, stop looking at that filth.
- Henry Mason: I don't get it. Where are the women?
- Eleanor Mason: What are you talking about?
- Henry Mason: This is all just a bunch of... naked men.
- [Eleanor takes the magazine from Henry]
- Eleanor Mason: Sweet mother of God. What the hell are they doing?
- Henry Mason: I don't know, and I don't know what I'm even looking at.
- Eleanor Mason: Henry, this is pornography for ho-homosexuals.
- [Bree enters]
- Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, shoot! I wish you hadn't gone through that. Now we have to have an unpleasant conversation, and we were having such a nice time.
- Henry Mason: Bree, is... is Andrew... gay?
- Bree Van De Kamp: Oh, dad, Andrew hates labels. I'm sure it's just a phase.
- Eleanor Mason: Excuse me, but he has a magazine titled "Leather Daddies in Love." That does not sound like a phase to me.
- Felicia Tilman: Paul? I was making cookies and I heard the most sickening thud. Are you okay?
- Paul Young: There's shortening on my doorstep.
- Felicia Tilman: Shortening? That's the last thing you'd want on your front porch. It's meant for baking.
- Orson Hodge: Oh, I have been her dentist for years, but last week, I was looking into her mouth and decided to stick my tongue in it.
- Eleanor Mason: It took me a week to forgive Esperanza.
- Henry Mason: Now she's like family again.
- Eleanor Mason: Family who stole from us.
- Lynette: [Parker is coloring] Sweety could you put the crayons down for a second, we need to talk. I talked to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou.
- Parker Scavo: Oh, are you mad?
- Lynette: [laughs uncomfortably] No, not exactly, I'm trying to understand why you did that.
- Parker Scavo: [Innocently] Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there, that doesn't sound right to me.
- Lynette: Well, actually he's kinda right, he's got the concept down.
- Parker Scavo: [Innocently confused] That's weird! How does a baby get in there?
- Lynette: Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days, why don't you wait for him?
- Parker Scavo: OK. Or I can ask Tommy's brother. He's fourteen and he knows everything!
- Lynette: [Parker looks skeptical as Lynette draws a picture] ... And then the mommy and the dadd because they love each other so much, they hug real tight, and a seed is magically implanted and nine months later a baby is born.
- Parker Scavo: What kind of seed?
- Lynette: Oh, that's not important.
- Parker Scavo: I don't believe you!
- Lynette: Parker I'm your mother. Mother's don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.
- Lynette: I talked to Mrs. McCuskey and for God sakes Parker, you can't ask people things like that.
- Parker Scavo: Why?
- Lynette: [Grasping for straws] Because, it's rude.
- Parker Scavo: I said please!
- Lynette: That doesn't matter. You gotta quit talking to people about their bodies, and about where babies come from.
- Parker Scavo: Why?
- Lynette: Because it's not an appropriate subject.
- Parker Scavo: Why?
- Lynette: Because it's not.
- Parker Scavo: Why?
- Lynette: Ahh, because it's dirty and wrong and I'll wash your mouth out with soap, that's why!
- [he looks shocked]
- Eleanor Mason: Hello, I'm Eleanor Mason, Bree's stepmother. Are you the lawyer? We should talk.
- Peter McMillian: Ah, no, I'm not her lawyer.
- Eleanor Mason: Good. The hair had me worried.
- Henry Mason: [Andrew's grandfather is thumbing through Andrew's gay porn collection] I don't get it... where are all the *women?* This is all just a bunch of guys!