The Simpsons (TV Series)

Itchy & Scratchy Land (1994)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Itchy, Krusty, Grampa Simpson, Squeaky Voiced Teen, Hans Moleman, Costumed Man #1, Cocktail Waiter, 'I really wish they wouldn't scream', Scientist

Photos 

Quotes 

• Marge : I have nothing to say to you.

  Homer : But Marge, I was a political prisoner.

  Marge : How were you a political prisoner?

  Homer : I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

• Homer : Wow, it *is* the seventies, right down to the smallest detail.

  Marge : Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta.

  John Travolta : Yeah, *looks* like...

• Lisa Simpson : Dad, remember when you said going to Itchy & Scratchy Land would be too damn expensive?

  Homer : Oh, everything's too damn expensive nowadays. Look at this Bible I bought - fifteen bucks! And talking about a preachy book! Everyone's a sinner - except for this guy.

  [points to a page in the book that presumably refers to Jesus] 

• Marge : [as robot Itchys and Scratchys advance on her and Homer]  I knew we should've gone to the bird sanctuary.

  [Cut to the sanctuary, where the birds are attacking visitors Hitchcock-style. Hans Moleman is in a phone booth, completely oblivious to the carnage outside] 

  Hans Moleman : I need the biggest seed bell you have... no, that's too big.

• Homer : Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we're all agreed to disband and join other families.

  Marge , Bart , Lisa Simpson : Agreed.

• Homer : Back you robots! Nobody ruins our family vacation but me! And maybe the boy!

• Maestro : Welcome to T.G.I. McScratchy's, where it's constantly New Year's Eve! Here we go again! Three, two, one...

  Partygoers : Happy New Year!

  [balloons are strewn about the dance floor] 

  Marge : It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over!

  Cocktail Waiter : [glumly]  Please kill me.

• Marge : ...And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?

  Grampa Simpson : No! I ain't senile, dad blast it!

  Marge : Okay, bye-bye!

  Homer , Bart : Bye!

  Lisa Simpson : Bye, Grampa!

  [the family drives off, leaving Grampa with Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II] 

  Grampa Simpson : Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? 'Grampa's Little Helper'... what's that?

  [meekly, to animals] 

  Grampa Simpson : Which one of you is the mailman?

  [animals look awkwardly at each other] 

• Scratchy : [in a scene from Pinitchio]  Now you be a good-a little Pinitchio and don't-a you lie!

  Itchy : I promise I will never hurt you.

  [his nose grows causing it to pierce Scratchy's eyeball and go out the back of his head] 

  Scratchy : Ouch-eh!

  [Itchy laughs at his misery]