The Simpsons (TV Series)

Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' (1996)

Harry Shearer: Montgomery Burns, Waylon Smithers, Grampa Muntz, Reverend Lovejoy, Sheldon Skinner, Ned Flanders, Adolf Hitler, Agent #2

Quotes 

• Montgomery Burns : There, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.

  Grampa : Over my dead body, it will!

  Montgomery Burns : That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?

  [Grampa's pants fall down with a "boing" sound] 

  Grampa : How long was that?

  Montgomery Burns : Your clownish behavior notwithstanding, we have made a gentlemen's agreement and sworn on our lives to honor it.

  [getting into the back seat of his car] 

  Montgomery Burns : Smithers, I want that man killed.

• Montgomery Burns : Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl.

  Lisa Simpson : Santa?

• Fernando Vidal : [impersonating Homer]  D'oh! Not again!

  Montgomery Burns : [impersonating Marge]  I can't take much more of your numskullery!

  Waylon Smithers : [impersonating Bart]  I'll be in the car, dudes.

• Waylon Smithers : [Smithers and Burns are in a boat, being pursued by Bart and Abe]  They're gaining on us sir. We'll have to jettison something.

  Waylon Smithers : [Burns give him a hard stare]  It's been a pleasure serving you, sir.

  [jumps overboard] 

• Montgomery Burns : Fernando Vidal? It's M.B.

  Fernando Vidal : Ah, Marion Barry! Is it time for another shipment?

• Montgomery Burns : Oh terribly sorry, back to sleep little girl.

  Lisa Simpson : Santa?

• Bart : You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town. How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private?

  Grampa : Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. And we got stuck with him.

  [in a flashback, Abe takes aim at Adolf Hitler with a rifle] 

  Grampa : Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler.

  [a tennis ball hits the rifle, and the discharged round merely spins Hitler's hat around on his head] 

  Montgomery Burns : [a few feet away with a tennis racket, as Abe scowls]  A little help?

• Bart : If you saved Burns' life, why does he wanna kill you?

  Grampa : It was the closing days of the war. We had just flushed some Germans out of an abandoned castle...

  [fade to a flashback] 

  Arnie Gumble : Hey, Burnsie found some pictures.

  Iggy Wiggum : Wait a minute. We ain't a-sposed to steal from civilians.

  Grampa : You want me to report you to Commander Flanders? Just leave them, Burnsie.

  Montgomery Burns : Leave them for whom, the Germans? The folks who shoot at us all day? Let's just take them. We'll all be rich, rich as Nazis.

  Etch : Think of what a guy could get himself with that kind of scratch.

  Sheldon Skinner : Yeah. I could buy chicken dinners three times a day.

  Iggy Wiggum : I could buy a brand new Studebaker with a fan on the dashboard.

  Arnie Gumble : I could buy my way into high...

  [belching] 

  Arnie Gumble : ...society.

  Grampa : Well, I don't feel right about it, but I could use a nest egg for retirement. I'd hate to wind up in one of those old folks' homes.

• Waylon Smithers : I was wondering, sir, do we really need to, uh, "settle" Abe Simpson? I mean, I'm familiar with his physical state and... perhaps if we wait, nature will assassinate him for us.

  Montgomery Burns : Well, I can't risk it. I won't allow that Simpson boy to take the Hellfish bonanza, and I can't get it without his key.

• Grampa : Sorry to crowd you, boy, but I'll let you in on a secret. Burns is after me 'cause he wants the Hellfish bonanza.

  Bart : Look, if you're gonna stay in my room, could you at least stop making up gibberish?

  Grampa : Gibberish, eh?

  [showing him a tattoo on his arm] 

  Grampa : Then what's this?

  Bart : Wrinkly gibberish?

  Grampa : Why, you smart...

  [pulling his skin taut so the image is clearer] 

  Grampa : I got this in the second World War II. Back then, I was known as Sergeant Simpson, and I commanded the Flying Hellfish, the fightingest squad in the fightingest company in the third-fightingest batallion in the army, and we were all from Springfield. There was police chief Wiggum's father, Iggy Wiggum.

  Iggy Wiggum : Um, if anybody finds a grenade without a pin, that's mine.

  [his backpack explodes] 

  Grampa : Our radioman, Sheldon Skinner.

  Sheldon Skinner : [with a "shoot me" sign on his back]  All right, very funny. Well, I didn't join the service to make friends.

  Grampa : And watching our backs was private fifth class Arnie Gumble. Then there was also Griff, Asa, Ox, and Etch. But every unit has a troublemaker Ours was a cocky little private named Montgomery Burns.

  Montgomery Burns : [on a corpsman's stretcher]  Haven't you won the war yet?

  Ox : Duh, hey, you said you was dead.

  Montgomery Burns : Yes, dead tired. But I'm quite refreshed now. Thank you.

• Grampa Muntz : No, I'm not Superman. I'm a judge. Why, just this morning, I sentenced my 46th man to death. Oh, no, 47th.

  Nelson Muntz : Wow, 47. I love you, Grampa.

  Grampa : Yeah, well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon.

  [taking the spoon out] 

  Grampa : Look.

  Edna Krabappel : Bart, perhaps your grandfather would like to come up front now and give someone else a chance to interrupt.

  Bart : Oh, please, no.

• Montgomery Burns : Then it's agreed. Of course, we can't sell the paintings now, we'd be caught. How many of you are familiar with the concept of a "tontine"?

  Montgomery Burns : All right, Ox. Why don't you take us through it?

  Ox : Duh, essentially, we all enter into a contract whereby the last surviving participant becomes the sole possessor of all them purty pictures.

  Montgomery Burns : Well put, Oxford.