- [Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone]
- Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
- Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Bart: Did your Secret Service goons ever whack anybody, George?
- George Bush: You know in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first names.
- Bart: [sarcastically] Yeah? Well, welcome to the 20th century, George.
- Homer: [in an exaggerated tone] Yoo-hoo.!
- George Bush: Who is it?
- Homer: [in an exaggerated tone] It's your sons, George Bush, Jr. and Jeb Bush. Come outside, Dad.
- George Bush: Oh, good.
- [yells]
- George Bush: Bar! The boys are in the front yard. They'll help me think of a plan to get those Simpsons.
- Barbara Bush: Oh, George! Is that all you ever think about? The boys probably just want a letter of recommendation.
- [George Bush steps outside the front door as the cardboard cutouts roll upwards]
- George Bush: Boys? Where are you going?
- Homer: [shouts to Bart as he is on the roof] Okay, son. Give him the glue!
- [Bart squeezes glue onto George's head from the roof and Homer slaps a rainbow afro wig on and runs away]
- [President Bush has put up a poster on the front of the house with crudely drawn pictures of Homer and Bart on it. It reads 'Two Bad Neighbors']
- Dr. Julius Hibbert: [confused] I- I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors?
- George Bush: [annoyed] No! That's not Bar and me. It's them.
- [Bush points at the Simpsons' house]
- Ned Flanders: Who? Maude and me?
- George Bush: No. The man and his boy. You know, the- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man.
- [calls in to his wife, Barbara]
- George Bush: Bar! What's the name of the man?
- Barbara Bush: [calling out to George] I'm not getting involved, George.
- George Bush: Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty straightforward, but I guess I'll just take it down.
- Homer: He spanked you? You? Bart Simpson?
- Bart: I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.
- Grampa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions!
- Marge: Grampa, I know in your day spanking was common... but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.
- Grampa: And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!
- [Pointing the finger at Lisa while reading the book]
- George Bush: What the- Great Scott! Don't touch that. That's the alpenhorn Helmut Kohl gave me.
- Bart: Where'd you get those pajamas?
- George Bush: They're presidential pajamas. You have to be president, and you're not president.
- Bart: Yes, I am.
- George Bush: D- No, you're not. Bar!
- [Bart is rummaging through the Bush's ktchen drawers]
- Bart: Hey, where's your candy?
- George Bush: We don't have any. Now go away!
- Barbara Bush: George! Older people don't eat much candy, Bart, but I could bake you some cookies if you like.
- George Bush: [under his breath] Can't remember the last time she made cookies for me.
- Barbara Bush: What's that?
- George Bush: Oh, nothing.
- Homer: First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk... probably. Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it!
- [Bart has accidentally shredded George's memoirs and George turns toward him angrily]
- Bart: Whoa, man!
- George Bush: Whoa, nothing. I'm going to do something your daddy should have done a long time ago.
- [George turns Bart over his knee and spanks him]
- George Bush: Now go home and think about what you've done, young man!
- Homer: For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy!
- George Bush: Never! You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs.
- Homer: [to Bart] You didn't tell me you destroyed his memoirs.
- Homer: [yells at George] Never!
- Homer: [outside a fancy, gated house] Hey, I never noticed this place.
- Bart: Dad, it's right across the street from us. That fancy house will never sell. Nobody who could afford it would wanna live in this neighborhood.
- Homer: [insulted] Hey, what's wrong with this neighborhood?
- [shouting at the empty house through the gate]
- Homer: Big shot! Too good to buy a house here, snobby?
- Bart: Who are you talking to, Homer?
- Homer: The guy who doesn't live there.
- Bart: Wow! A former president living right across the street.
- Homer: Oh! Why did he have to move in on my territory? Look at him. Thinks just because he led the free world, he can act like a big shot. Stupid president. Why couldn't he just stay in his own state?
- Lisa Simpson: Actually, this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency, dad. I wouldn't have voted for him, but it's nice to have a celebrity in the neighborhood.
- Homer: Wait a minute. If Lisa didn't vote for him, and I didn't vote for him...
- Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
- Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. After that, I became deeply cynical.
- Marge: [going through junk to get rid of] Well, we don't need this.
- Homer: But, Marge, that's the Rhinestone Nights fashion gun. I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing.
- Marge: [he holds up a denim jacket] Who's Disco Stu?
- Homer: Oh, uh, I wanted to write "Disco stud", but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action.
- Maude Flanders: What brings you to Springfield?
- Barbara Bush: Well, George and I just wanted to be private citizens again, go where nobody cared about politics. So we found the town with the lowest voter turnout in America.
- George Bush: Just happy to be here among good, average people with no particular hopes or dreams.
- Rod Flanders: But, Mr. President, we're not all good people.
- Todd Flanders: There's one little boy you should watch out for. He's a bad, bad little boy.
- Ned Flanders: [laughing nervously] Now, Todd, don't scare the president.
- [as if on cue, they see Bart skateboard past]
- George Bush: [giving a speech] And that's why I will continue to oppose teen alcoholism in all its forms.
- [as the audience applauds, it's revealed he tried to cut off the rainbow-colored wig Homer and Bart glued on]
- George Bush: Now, are there any questions?
- [hands are raised]
- George Bush: Keeping in mind that I already explained about my hair.
- Mikhail Gorbachev: I come by to give present for warming house, but instead I find you grappling with local oaf.
- [George is showing Bart his photo albums]
- Bart: Who's that, George?
- George Bush: That's me with Charlton Heston. He was...
- Bart: [interrupts] ... Who's that, George?
- George Bush: You wouldn't know him. That's Bob Mosbacher. He was secretary of...
- Bart: [interrupts] ... That's a dumb name. Who's that, George?
- George Bush: [annoyed] Maybe he thinks Bart is a dumb...
- Bart: [interrupts] ... How many times were you president, George?
- George Bush: Just once.
- Barbara Bush: George! This is the last straw. You apologize to Homer right now!
- George Bush: But Bar, we can't show any weakness in front of the Russians.
- Barbara Bush: [reproachful] George...
- George Bush: Yes, dear.
- Homer: You owe me an apology.
- George Bush: Hey, you owe me an apology. If you were any kind of a father, you'd have disciplined that boy a long time ago.
- George Bush: Hi, there, neighbors. Uh, I'm... George Bush.
- [shocked stares]
- George Bush: Former President George Bush?
- [murmurs of recognition]
- Homer: Okay, let's give it up for the new guy. Now, let's all turn around and pay attention to me again.
- Bart: Hey, what's this?
- George Bush: My electric card shuffler. Don't go near the...
- [Bart sends cards flying everywhere]
- George Bush: Now, I told you. Oh... those cards were from Air Force One, and they only give you so many packs.
- Barbara Bush: Oh, George, boys will be boys. Bart's just being friendly. Why don't you get off that sofa and show Bart your photos?
- George Bush: Oh, but he'll gunk 'em all up. His hands are probably covered with mud and cookies.
- [Bart shows him his clean hands]
- George Bush: Well... probably stole a napkin.
- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: [washing his car as Homer and Bart approach] Howdy, neighbor. May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
- Homer: Uh... spray the boy.
- Homer: [pulling into the Krusty Burger drive-thru] Oh, man! I only got one minute 'til they stop serving those breakfast balls.
- [seeing another car already in line]
- Homer: D'oh!
- George Bush: Let's see now. What do you folks have here, huh? Hmm, a Krusty Burger. That doesn't sound too appetizing. What kind of stew do you have today?
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: [over the intercom] Uh, we don't have stew.
- Ray Johnson: [Homer starts honking his horn impatiently] Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger?
- George Bush: Oh, that's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.
- Homer: Hey, jerk! Move your fanny!
- George Bush: That guy is louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you?
- Ray Johnson: [going back to Homer's car] Sir, could you pop your hood?
- Homer: [as he does so, Ray disables the horn] Hey! My taxes paid for that horn.
- Homer: Marge, I'm bored.
- Marge: Why don't you read something?
- Homer: Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom.
- Marge: Well, you could hand out these flyers for the neighborhood rummage sale. You'd get some fresh air and exercise.
- Homer: Eh, I'll do it anyway.
- [grabbing a passing Bart]
- Homer: Come on, boy. We're going to see the neighbors.
- Marge: Are you interested in that motorized tie rack, Principal Skinner?
- Principal Skinner: [she turns it on] Hmm... it's awfully loud.
- Marge: Well, you can always take the motor out and use it as an ordinary tie rack.
- Principal Skinner: [scoffing as she does so] But now the ties are motionless, and those in back are virtually inaccessible. Well, it's a moot point, as I have only one tie to begin with. I believe I'll pass.
- [leaving, then coming back]
- Principal Skinner: Have you sold that tie rack yet?
- Marge: No.
- Principal Skinner: I'll take it.
- Homer: [looking Bush up in the encyclopedia] All right. His story checks out. Marge, would you love me more if I were President? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy.
- Marge: Homie, as long as you keep the car full of gas, I'm happy.
- Homer: Well, she can always depend on that.
- [he glances at the car out in the driveway, nervously shifting his eyes back and forth]
- Ray Johnson: You want to step back, sir? You're trampling the flowers.
- Homer: Ooh! Hiding behind your goons, eh, Bush? Ooh! Well, *you* are a wimp!
- George Bush: [his lip trembling] Wimp... am I? Agent Johnson? Agent Heintz? You men, stand down.
- [shrugging, they do so, and he opens the gate]
- George Bush: All right, mister. You want trouble, you're gonna get trouble.
- Homer: Oh, I want trouble, all right.
- George Bush: Then you're gonna get trouble.
- Homer: No, *you're* gonna get trouble.
- George Bush: Oh, that's good, that's good, 'cause I want trouble.
- Homer: Then we're agreed there'll be trouble.
- George Bush: Oh, yeah, lots of trouble.
- Homer: Trouble, it is.
- George Bush: For you.
- Homer: For...
- [Bush slams his front door]
- Homer: D'oh!
- Ned Flanders: [providing running commentary on the rummage sale] Well, sir, looks like we got some nice items here at table Glick. Like this; what the heckaroonie is this, Mrs. Glick?
- Mrs. Glick: [taking his microphone] It is a candy dish, Ned. $90.
- Ned Flanders: Uh-huh. Well, I, uh... I guess you could put a lot of nice things in there.
- Mrs. Glick: No! Just candy, Ned. $90.
- Ned Flanders: [leaving, he sees a realtor putting a "sold" sign on the house across the street] Well, looks like somebody sold something today.
- Homer: Well, ready for the big rummage sale?
- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, yes, indeed. I've got nothing but time until they fix that malfunctioning Squishee machine.
- [cut to the Kwik-E-Mart, which is submerged in Squishee syrup; as maintenance workers in scuba suits work on the machine, Jimbo steals two six-packs of beer]
- Ned Flanders: Howdily-doodily, there, President Bush. Or should I say President neighbor? I'm Ned Flanders, and this is Maude, Rod, and Todd.
- George Bush: Well, howdily-doodily yourself there, Ned. This is my wife, Barbara. Call her Bar. Would you like some lemonade?
- Ned Flanders: Tip-top-notch!
- George Bush: Okily-dokily.
- Ned Flanders: Thankily-dankily.
- [taking a sip]
- Ned Flanders: Greatalicious.
- George Bush: Scrumpdiddlerific!
- Ned Flanders, George Bush: Fine and dandy like sour candy.
- George Bush: Bar's a whiz with cold drinks, aren't you, Bar? Don't understand lemonade myself. Not my forte.
- Barbara Bush: I really feel awful about your lawn, Marge. George can be so stubborn when he thinks he's right.
- Marge: Well, Homer, too. They're so much alike.
- Barbara Bush: Too bad they got off on the wrong foot. It's just like the Noriega thing. Now, he and George are the best of friends.
- George Bush: [after doing donuts in the Simpsons' front yard, satisfied with his work] Hmm. Can't decide if this'll be considered feisty or crazy.
- Gerald Ford: Hi. Pleased to meet you. I just moved in. My name is Jerry Ford.
- Homer: Former President Gerald Ford?
- [shaking hands]
- Homer: Put her there. I'm Homer Simpson.
- Gerald Ford: Say, Homer, do you like football?
- Homer: Do I ever!
- Gerald Ford: Do you like nachos?
- Homer: Yes, Mr. Ford.
- Gerald Ford: Well, why don't you come over and watch the game and we'll have nachos, and then some beer.
- Homer: Ooh!
- [walking over to Ford's house]
- Homer: Jerry, I think you and I are gonna get along just...
- [tripping on the curb]
- Gerald Ford, Homer: D'oh!