Home Improvement (TV Series)

A Battle of Wheels (1992)

Tim Allen: Tim Taylor

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : Anyone can do what you do.

  Tim : Oh really? You think you could do what I do?

  Al : Oh please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?

  Tim : A lot harder than it looks.

• Al : Speaking of staple guns, do you suppose that they call it a staple gun, because it shoots out staples?

  [Audience is silent] 

  Tim : Yes I do, Al.

• Tim : Hey Wilson. What are you up to?

  Wilson Wilson, Jr. : Just painting a self-portrait.

  Tim : Yeah? Of who?

• [Jill is listening to opera music] 

  Tim Taylor : Jill, I can't work with this noise!

  Jill Taylor : How can you call that noise?

  Tim Taylor : That's not noise, that's a proctology exam!

• Al : But first, I would like to get something off my chest.

  Tim : That tie?

  Al : Ah, I'm just a little bit cheesed here. The other day I was in the supermarket and I... I was in the frozen food section. And they had lima beans, 3 for a dollar. And I took four. And the lady at the check-out counter said, "Hey, can't you count?"

• Al : I take my work seriously and all you do is crack jokes.

  Tim : Crack jokes? Well the way you bend over like that...

  Al : See? Now that's what I'm talking about.