- Douglas Anders: Science fiction is an existential metaphor that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said, "Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinded critics and philosophers of today, but the core of science fiction, its essence, has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all."
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Never underestimate your audience. They're generally sensitive, intelligent people who respond positively to quality entertainment.
- Major General Jack O'Neill: I can sneak around all I want, totally undetected. I give us the element of surprise. The bottom line is, I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet salient self.
- Teal'c: I assume I am staring at you stoically.
- Major General Jack O'Neill: Not buying it, eh?
- Teal'c: No. You are most transparent, O'Neill.
- Major General Jack O'Neill: Oh, I get it. Good one.
- Teal'c: I can see right through you.
- Major General Jack O'Neill: Don't push it.
- [in the Farscape sequence]
- Vala Mal Doran: [as Aeryn Sun] Call me fahrbot, but they're gonna have our mivonks on a platter if we don't Starburst the draz out of here.
- Dr. Daniel Jackson: [as Crichton] The cluster's been damaged. We're not goin' anywhere.
- Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [as Chiana] Oh, dren.
- Teal'c: [as Ka D'Argo] Hezmana!
- Vala Mal Doran: [as Aeryn Sun] Frell.
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [as Stark] Son of a hasmot!
- Asgard: [as Dominar Rygel XVI] Yotz!
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [re: the number of mission files] No, I'm pretty sure it's 1,263. Pretty sure I've read all the files recently.
- Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Actually, you haven't read 30185.
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: 30185. What's that?
- Dr. Daniel Jackson: We can't tell you.
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: What do you mean, you can't tell me? I have the highest security clearance known to mankind. What is 30185?
- Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: We were sworn to secrecy.
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Why even mention it to me if you're not gonna tell me what it is?
- Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sorry.
- Vala Mal Doran: Can you tell me?
- Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh yeah, we can tell you.
- Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Well, it has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969.
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Well that can't have anything to do with me. I wasn't born until a year later!
- Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, it was *nine months* before he was born.
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [taken aback] What?
- Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: You hafta remember, it was the sixties.
- Dr. Daniel Jackson: C'mon. You have to have known that Jack's always taken an interest in your life.
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Jack. O'Neill?
- Teal'c: Indeed.
- Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you thought you weren't going to get in? How about when you were chosen for SG-1?
- Vala Mal Doran: [Giggles] Wait, are you saying that Jack O'Neill is...
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: -my daddy?
- Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's all starting to make sense now, isn't it?
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Oh, I'm being punk'd, aren't I?
- Dr. Daniel Jackson: Who makes a movie out of a series that only lasted three episodes?
- Teal'c: It allegedly performed well on DVD.
- Major General Jack O'Neill: I wouldn't mind... one last jaunt through the old orifice... What?... That's what we call it sometimes, don't we?... Orifice?
- Teal'c PI Announcer: When it comes to fightin' crime, there's only one man keepin' the streets safe, while keeping it real...
- Teal'c: Indeed!
- Teal'c PI Announcer: Teal'c PI... Coming this fall
- Martin Lloyd: I love it!
- General George S. Hammond: [as a puppet] Alright people, we created this multi-billion dollar facility under Cheyenne Mountain, so that we can use this thing. Anyone know how?
- Wormhole X-Treme Replacement Actor: And I had to do something... even better... to... make you forget... the guy the fans loved to watch for the first seven years of the show! I know he was here for eight, but uh... a lot of people say he just kinda... phoned it in that... that last season
- [obvious dig on Richard Dean Anderson's departure]
- Martin Lloyd: I'm talking about... a twist!... Something nobody's expecting
- Major General Jack O'Neill: You mean, something like this?
- [O'Neill is standing in the doorway waving]
- Vala Mal Doran: Wow... Don't think anybody will see that coming
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Nope! There'll be spoilers
- Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: You kidding? It'll be in the commercial
- Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Do you really think the best way to introduce the heroes of this story is to show them causing a massive catastrophe?
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That's... realistic.
- Martin Lloyd: They can't leave! They haven't finished reading my script!
- Major General Hank Landry: That's funny, I thought it said "General" on my uniform.
- Martin Lloyd: I need a latte
- Vala Mal Doran: [following behind] Try this one: we were on a cloaked cargo ship on a simple 3-hour reconnaissance mission...
- Martin Lloyd: [Interrupting] "Gilligan's Island", right?
- Vala Mal Doran: You got that from "3-hour reconnaissance mission"?
- Martin Lloyd: Piece of advice, if you're going to rip something off, think of something a little more obscure
- Vala Mal Doran: Oh... Ok...
- ["Farscape" sequence]
- Martin Lloyd: Okay! You got me. I have no idea what that is
- Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: How can something work perfectly fine for 10 years then all of a sudden it doesn't work anymore?
- Martin Lloyd: Stupid focus groups. They hate the ending. I have to think of something new.
- Major General Jack O'Neill: They could go fishing.
- Martin Lloyd: Fishing?
- Major General Jack O'Neill: Yeah, it'd be a perfect ending. I mean, after that, anything else would seem pointless.
- General George S. Hammond: Sergeant, make it spin.
- Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman: Spin? Sir, it doesn't spin.
- General George S. Hammond: What? It has to spin. It's round. Spinning is so much cooler than not spinning. I'm the General. I want it to spin. Now!
- Martin Lloyd: You're an alien, right?
- Vala Mal Doran: Exactly... and I know what this picture needs
- Martin Lloyd: So... how would you know what SciFi fans from EARTH would be interested in?
- Vala Mal Doran: Aren't you also an alien?
- Martin Lloyd: Yeah... but I've been here quite a while
- Major General Hank Landry: Hey Walter!... C'mon! We're all going!
- Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman: [who's never gone through the gate] I don't have the right outfit!
- Major General Jack O'Neill: You look fine
- [Walter runs down in his regular uniform, yet emerges in full mission gear]
- Major General Jack O'Neill: I thought I told you I retired!
- Major General Hank Landry: Oh. I thought you said you were tired.