- Angie Lopez: Remember last month when we rented Mr. and Mrs. Smith and you chased me up the stairs calling me Angelina?
- [George laughs cockily]
- Angie Lopez: Well, Brad, I might be giving you what Jennifer wouldn't.
- George Lopez: A Cambodian kid?
- Angie Lopez: No! I might be pregnant.
- George Lopez: What? Oh, hell no. Hell no! You better hope Brad and Angelina want another little Mexican boy for their collection because I'm not raising another one!
- Max Lopez: But most of my friends have already gotten drunk. I wanna see what it feels like.
- George Lopez: Let me tell you a tragic story about someone who started drinking at your age. Grandma. The end.
- Vic: [about his girlfriend] Last night was our first date and it was magical. She says I am the most handsome man she has ever seen.
- Benny: That's so nice. So when you kissed her good night, did her seeing-eye dog growl?
- Angie Lopez: George, your mom's perfect man might not be in LA. He could be in a trailer in North Carolina or a trailer in Wyoming or a trailer in Alabama.
- George Lopez: I got it: "Operation Take Out the Trash."
- Carmen Lopez: I just got my letter from Northern Vermont, but I'm afraid to open it. This is my last shot, Mom. Not just for an education, for freedom. I can't party and pierce things in this house. I need to go away.
- Vic: [to Benny] You will however, die alone with your underwear full of cobwebs.
- George Lopez: Mom, you haven't done anything wrong.
- Benny: Well...
- George Lopez: Oh, no, Mom, what did you do? Rob a place, shoot someone? I know, you flashed someone and they killed themselves.
- Ernie: [to George] And the cashier said he saw the robber talking to a Mexican dude with his little girl right before he robbed the place.
- George Lopez: Dammit! Max needs a haircut!