- Carter Pewterschmidt: You look familar.
- Gardener: I was your gardener for twelve years.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh. You look different without my lawn under you.
- Gardener: I don't take the lawn with me when I go.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: Well, I was right to trust you with it then.
- Peter Griffin: [to Carter] I promise, you'll love it here, even more than Julia Roberts loves herself.
- [cut to Julia Roberts, standing in front of a display of candles]
- Julia Roberts: Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami, but don't worry, I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! ME! MEEEEEEE!
- [hugs herself and laughs uncontrollably]
- Betty White: [to Peter] Hi. I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.
- Cleveland Brown: I'm no school administrator, but there's an extension program goin' on in my trousers.
- Stewie: [about Chris, who's lying on the floor, unconcious] Look at him. Look how fat he is.
- Book Customer: Hi. Would you be offended if I told you your prose suggests the male working class version of Emily Bronte?
- Peter Griffin: No. Would you be offended if I said I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum?
- Book Customer: Yes.
- Peter Griffin: Well, then we are on two different wavelengths.
- Kool-Aid Guy: [car crashes into his house] Wow. You know, from the other side, that's kind of annoying.
- Stewie: Who cares what you say? You're a dog. You can't see colors. Which means you can't see the colors of the American flag. Commie.