- Ivan Oranchov: I don't get it. We blew that alien spacecraft out of the sky and yet the shriveled geriatric one still survived. These zhopas must be harder to kill than we thought.
- KGB Agent: I spit on them! Ptooey!
- Ivan Oranchov: Nonetheless, inform the Kremlin that we shall proceed with the operation as planned. Tell them we need as much Revelade as they can ship, as quickly as they can ship it.
- KGB Agent: Da, Agent Oranchov.
- Ivan Oranchov: And our American "distributor"?
- KGB Agent: He suspects nothing. In fact he seemed quite enthusiastic about whole idea. He thinks we'll be spreading revolution in a paper cup.
- Ivan Oranchov: And so we will. But not, I think, the sort he expects. Idealists.
- KGB Agent: I spit on them.
- Ivan Oranchov: Stalin, he understood. Ideas may start a revolution, but guns and gulags finish them. Well, no matter. Soon the citizens of Bay City will be embarking on a very bad trip.
- [he laughs evilly while the KGB agent joins in]
- Seargent Fauxhall: Private Danza has been caught selling bazookas to the Soviets. Also he may have some photos... I was young, I needed the money...
- Crypto: You know, I did save your life, the least you could do is thank me.
- Dr. Go: Thank you? This is insult! I will not say those two words!
- Crypto: How about these three? Don't kill me!
- Dr. Go: [flatly] Don't kill me.
- Crypto: Come on, say it like you mean it. If you want some extra motivation...
- Dr. Go: Ah don't kill me, please don't kill me!
- Crypto: That's more like it, now you just keep saying that and it might just save your life.
- Crypto: What do we know about the Blisk, aside from they're ugly as sin?
- Orthopox-13: They are indeed a most repulsive race, and incredibly vicious. Further, they treat their workers very badly and have offensively short tempers.
- Crypto: Any resemblance to present company is completely coincidental.
- Cosmonaut 1: [during Crypto's speech] Why are we not being allowed in area just northeast of here?
- Cosmonaut 2: Da, what are you having to hide?
- Crypto: Because Milenkov thinks you're too drunk and stupid to go over there without getting lost, that's why.
- Cosmonaut 2: Drunk, okay, but STUPID? Why, that zhopa!
- Cosmonaut 1: Da! We can no longer be trusting Premier Milenkov!
- Crypto: Oh, it ain't just Milenkov, kids. The Blisk think you're a bunch of morons, too.
- Cosmonaut 2: Bliskeviks, also? But they're always telling us Soviet Union will be ruling world!
- Cosmonaut 1: Da, Leonid! What evidence are you having to mistrust Bliskeviks?
- Crypto: *Evidence*? They're controlling your mind!
- Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... I am thinking Comrade Cosmonaut Leonid is drinking too much Revelade.
- Crypto: They've taken over your entire government!
- Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... Comrade Leonid is perhaps watching too much American television.
- Crypto: They're giant freakin' lobsters! From outer freakin' space!
- Cosmonaut 2: Tsk, tsk... we are seeing long-term psychological effects of space travel. Poor Leonid.
- Crypto: They're taking away your vodka!
- Cosmonaut 1, Cosmonaut 2: [gasps]
- Orthopox-13: Crypto, what if it's true? What if you are... The One?
- Crypto: Well, I did take a red pill this morning.
- Russian Peasant: Mind says Lenin, but body says Stalin. And shockingly, at heart I am being straight capitalist. Go figuring.
- Arkvoodle: It has been written in the book of Divine Fabrications that the Great God of the Sacred Crotch Arkvoodle cannot be made or unmade. Arkvoodle is, will, and forever shall be! And for once they got it right. Fire at my idol with your disintegrator ray! I'll show you.
- [Crypto shoots the idol]
- Arkvoodle: See? Told you. Nonetheless I shall unlock the landing zone. Thanks for playing.
- [first lines]
- Ivan Oranchov: Premier comrade Milenkov, comrade agents, thank you for coming. Here's what we know so far.
- [a slide show displaying the first game's events and its aftermath is shown]
- Ivan Oranchov: Ten years ago, the United States government covered up an invasion by an alien race known as Furons. Their primary agent was this Furon: Cryptosporidium-137, dangerous, unpredictable and now deceased.
- Milenkov: So? What is being problem?
- Ivan Oranchov: The problem, comrade, is that Furons can clone themselves and pose convincingly as humans, and they've used these abilities to put Cryptosporidium-138 into the White House!
- KGB Agent: [gasps] The American people are not noticing?
- [all laugh]
- Ivan Oranchov: Da, right. Pull the other one. Even worse, this new Crypto clone contains pure Furon DNA harvested from human brains by Orthopox-13, mastermind of the invasion. He also bears a mysterious new mutation referred to only as "the package".
- Milenkov, KGB Agent: Oooh!
- Ivan Oranchov: These aliens pose a dire threat to the Soviet Union, comrades, and so they must be destroyed! As we speak, President Crypto is in Bay City, attending a youth cultural fest, and Orthopox conducting experiments in the Furon mother ship.
- Coyote Bongwater: [when he first sees Crypto] Aaah! Goddamn flashbacks!
- Crypto: Guess again, sunshine. Nice setup you got here. Guns, drugs, bra-burning hippie chicks... A man after my own heart, if I had one.
- Pox: I shall continue my repairs on the saucer and then I shall... I don't know, order a virtual pizza or something. Brains, I hate this.
- Space Traffic Control: I'm sorry, sir, but I've never heard of you.
- Pox: Never heard of... I'm Orthopox-13 man! The Orthopox-13! The conqueror of Zargon 5? The Hero of the battle of Tharsis Mons? The winner of the Xanthrax-47 cruelty award six years running? I'm the second most senior fleet commander in the entire Furon Navy! I was enslaving hyper-dimensional insectoids on the dunghills of Beedleblat while you were still in short pants! And you've never heard of me?
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe, at your service, and Her Majesty's. Although in her case, the service is secret.
- Crypto: So, modern art? Jackson Pollack pees on a canvas and sells it for fifty grand?
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Ha! Oh... you're serious. Well, I suppose it takes an educated eye to make sense out of it.
- Crypto: Educated eye? What a crock! I don't need a masters in art history to know what I like.
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Yes, but as conceptual art becomes more abstract, it helps to understand what the artist had in mind...
- Crypto: You do realize the player's in the kitchen making nachos right now.
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Well, you did that whole "Blue Rider" thing in the first game, so I thought...
- Crypto: Yeah, I know. Lead balloon city.
- Orthopox-13: Here we are, scene 1. I looked pretty good that day.
- Crypto: You're a
- [bleep]
- Crypto: hologram, you look like crap.
- Orthopox-13: Crypto, watch your language you
- [bleep]
- Orthopox-13: [bleep] !
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Silhoutte was the only woman I'll ever love! Ah, well at least I've still got the men.
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: I'm glad you're here sir. The Soviets appear to be up to some mischief.
- Crypto: What sort of mischief? 'Cause if she says she's eighteen you can't just call her a liar.
- Crypto: So you're a secret agent huh? Well I got got a 'package' that needs delivering. For your eyes only.
- Natalya Ivanova: I have four knives concealed on my body and I'm lethal with all of them. Concentrate!
- Crypto: Oooh... I think I'm in love...
- Crypto: Hey, Pox, you know, I've been thinking and, well, I bet that all of this really cuts back on all of your practical jokes, don't it?
- Orthopox-13: Oh, sure, point out that I'm dead again! It just gets funnier every 50th time you do it, doesn't it?
- Crypto: [talking about his cult] This will be the greatest thing in your life since you found out that boil on your butt was just a marshmallow.
- Crypto: [Ponsonby has drugged Crypto] So sleepy... you... I'll
- [he passes out]
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Lower life forms. When will they ever learn?
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: Now tell me all the good things you remember about your mother.
- Crypto: You mean, you're not my mother? Or are you?
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: We know you have it! Tell us where it is or it's the Ludwig treatment for you. Eyelids peeled back, excruciating torture, endless hours of Ludwig Van!
- Crypto: Oh God! Not Beethoven! Anything but Beethoven!
- Crypto: What was... What was that all about? Oh, my freakin' head... This gas is noxious. Smells like Pox's underwear. Don't ask me how I know that. Hey... Hey, what the... Damn dirty apes! Where the hell am I?
- Natalya Ivanova: You're in the ABCESS Mental Reconditioning Facility, under the streets of Albion. Looks like I got here just in time. Now come on, spaceman, move your ass!
- Crypto: I don't get it. Why are you helping me?
- Natalya Ivanova: Because I know now, you're the only one I can trust. Anyway, who else is going to rescue you?
- Orthopox-13: Crypto, If you can here me, meet me in the park. That humans tampering seems to have damaged some of your equipment. No, I'm not talking about your new package!
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: How are you feeling?
- Crypto: Well I could do with a martini. After a hard day of being drugged and kidnapped nothing else seems to hit the spot.
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: [dying] You bastard! You finally did it... M16, the last of the Majestic Agencies... The French... The Mongolian Station... The Argentineans. All destroyed by... aliens.
- Crypto: That last round must have scrambled your synapses, I only destroyed the American Majestic... Silhouette's Majestic...
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: You think this is all about you? Oh the irony.
- Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe: You honestly think you're the only... the only...
- Crypto: The only what?
- Orthopox-13: Leave it, Crypto. The man was in the throes of a violent demise and obviously in no state to talk. You've had your fun, now let's get out of here quick!
- Eric Hampton: I want to have the operation but I can't do that to my wife. She loves a bit of a go at the old pork cutlass!
- Eric Hampton: I'm having a sex change operation.
- Irene Hampton: You what?
- Eric Hampton: I started having hormone therapy last week. Surely you must have noticed.
- Crypto: Cryptography, huh? So they finally wised up and started studying yours truly.
- Natalya Ivanova: Sorry, tovarisch, but cryptography is the study of secret codes.
- Natalya Ivanova: Crypto is sweet... well he's not sweet but he's kind... Okay, he's not kind but he's cute... in a mutated rodent sort of way.
- Natalya Ivanova: Sergei is the kind of guy you date, not the kind you marry. And Crypto's not even the type you date. Actually, Crypto's not even a man.
- Algernon, Agent 004: I'm in for it now. There's going to be severe castration... or is it castigation? Either way it's bad.
- Orthopox-13: The White ninjas have pieces of our precious mothership and their planning to blow them up!
- Crypto: Ninjas again? What are ninjas doing in 1969?
- Orthopox-13: Just go with it. Who doesn't love ninjas?
- The White Ninja Leader: We will defend you to the death o' Furon Lord, but first we must compose our death haikus.
- The Black Ninja Leader: Kill them all and take their precious articfact.
- Crypto: Hey, no one screws with my cult but me!
- The White Ninja Leader: In the beginning, great ninja sensei wear gray, and his students wear gray.
- Crypto: Yeah, I saw the movie: old master dies, his students split and eventually oppose each other like black opposes white. Am I right or am I right?
- The White Ninja Leader: Wrong, the guy stop selling gray fabric. We wanted to be black, but those bastards put their order in first!
- The White Ninja Leader: Sensei, tell us what to do. Show us a sign. Should we sacrifice evil temptress demon?
- Crypto: Now what's all this crap about an demon temptress?
- The White Ninja Leader: We caught her stealing food from the er...
- Crypto: You kidnapped a women from the supermarket?
- White Ninja: No! No! Of course not!
- The White Ninja Leader: Well, yes, definitely. But you do it all the time, what about Miss Rockwell in first game?
- Crypto: That's different!