- Rose: Hello, Alan.
- Alan Harper: Rose.
- [Rose exits via the front door. Charlie and Alan stare at the door, bewildered]
- Charlie Harper: She used the front door?
- Alan Harper: Uh-huh.
- Charlie Harper: She never uses the front door.
- Alan Harper: Uh-uh.
- [turns to Charlie]
- Alan Harper: What happened out there?
- Charlie Harper: Nothing. I just told her Mia and I were getting married and I could actually see her medication *stop* working!
- Mia: She wanted to give me a shower!
- Charlie Harper: An engagement shower?
- Mia: An actual *soap and water* shower! I don't want her coming to the wedding!
- Charlie Harper: I don't want her in the same *zip code*!
- Alan Harper: [regarding Rose] What do you think she's going to do?
- Charlie Harper: It's not a question of what, it's a question of when. And how am I going to enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles superglued to my asscrack?
- Charlie Harper: [after he's told Rose he's marrying Mia] I was afraid this would come as a big shock.
- Rose: Afraid? You have nothing to fear, Charlie. I'm your friend.
- [smiles at Charlie]
- Charlie Harper: [Charlie's family and Mia's family have just had dinner together] Your family hated me, didn't they?
- Mia: Well... not *just* you.
- Charlie Harper: I know things didn't end well with you and Judith. But, overall, did you like being married?
- Alan Harper: Oh, I *loved* being married!
- Charlie Harper: You never missed having sex with other women?
- Alan Harper: Sure. But I missed that before I got married, too!
- Alan Harper: Don't set the bar too high for the wedding night.
- Charlie Harper: What are you talking about?
- Alan Harper: It's a long, stressful day. You'll be exhausted, full of banquet food and cheap champagne. Take my advice: tell her you love her, give her a big kiss, and try to fall asleep with your ass pointed toward an open window!
- Charlie Harper: You don't think Mia is going to turn into her mother, do you?
- Alan Harper: I wouldn't worry about it. What I *would* worry about is you turning her into *our* mother!
- Mia: We may as well just go to Vegas and elope.
- Charlie Harper: Now there's an interesting concept. In Vegas, not only can we get married immediately, we can get drunk and gamble away our nest egg!
- Mia: Don't forget the lap dances and hookers!
- Charlie Harper: Oh, you're gonna make a great wife!
- Charlie Harper: [about to get married in Vegas] I just wanna get this over with!
- Alan Harper: Get this over with? That's the attitude you take to a proctologist, not a marriage!
- Charlie Harper: [Seeing Mia arrive for their wedding] I was afraid you were going to chicken out.
- Kandi: That's funny, she said the same thing about *you*!
- Mia: I wanna talk to you about our honeymoon.
- Charlie Harper: I'll take you anywhere you want to go. Frankly, I'd pick a place with a nice ceiling because we're just going to take turns looking at it!
- Kandi: When I was a little girl, I used to love playing bride.
- Alan Harper: Me, too. I mean, uh, I was the groom. Most of the time.
- Mia: [after Charlie refuses to kick out Alan and Jake] C'mon, Charlie! We need our privacy!
- Charlie Harper: But they're my family. I can't just kick them out!
- Mia: You could've said something before *now*!
- Charlie Harper: Who knew your idea of marriage was you and me alone in a house?
- Mia: My dad called today. He wants to take your family out for a nice dinner.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah? Well, tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!
- Mia: C'mon, Charlie. They're going to have to meet sooner or later.
- Charlie Harper: Okay. But why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?
- Mia: What's happier than a wedding?
- Charlie Harper: My mother's funeral springs to mind. There'll be music, dancing, my mom will be in a box!