- Narrator: This summer, no matter what you've read; no matter what movie you've seen, Dan Brown doesn't know jack about... albino's.
- Bob Bangdon: You speak English! Why didn't you tell me?
- Amelie: I didn't want you to keep 'itting on me... besides, aren't you gay?
- Bob Bangdon: Ah... gah... ga- I'm ga...
- Amelie: You can't fool me. I saw Philadelphia.
- Officer Howard: Captain Fascist, heres a photo of our most likely suspect.
- Captain Fascist: No, you idiot. I want a color photograph.
- Officer Howard: Sir, this is a color photograph, he's an albino.
- Captain Fascist: Albeeno.
- Officer Howard: Albino.
- Captain Fascist: Yes, that is what I said: Albeeno.
- Officer Howard: But that's wrong.
- Captain Fascist: Hm. Are they, uh - legal in this country?
- The Preacher: Next, you need to drive across town to The Louvre.
- Whylas: Oh-you know, I can't... drive a car. I don't have a license.
- The Preacher: Then God will provide another way.
- Whylas: [after Girl With Bike kicks him] What the junk? Ow! That was my shin!
- English Girl: Stop your cryin'!
- Captain Fascist: Officer Howard. We are dealing with an Albeeno, which means: He has red eyes, evil in his heart, and create a storm the likes of which the human race has never seen. God help us all.
- Curator: [after Whylas removes hood] All right! I'll give it to you, you mon-ster. Ze keystone, is een my pock-et. Please, don't kill me.
- Bob Bangdon: Keystone! See, I saw the guy with the pizza I thought you meant tombstone!
- Amelie: Quoi?
- Bob Bangdon: Qu-oi? You keep saying that! Qu-oi! What does that mean?
- Captain Fascist: Shut up, everyone! You'll anger the red-eyed demon!
- Officer Howard: Actually sir, his eyes are blue.
- Captain Fascist: Howard. He's using his magic Albeeno trickery on you.
- Captain Fascist: Officer Howard... did you see this? Like, a ghost, from ze bowels of hell- he vanished.
- Officer Howard: Uh... no, actually, sir- he's uh- walkin' away, right now, literally right there in your eye-line.