- Shay McCutcheon: I think I'm gonna throw up.
- Shane McCutcheon: Oh, umm... Look, the bathroom's right over there.
- Helena Peabody: Shane...
- Shane McCutcheon: What?
- Helena Peabody: You should go with him.
- Shane McCutcheon: What the hell am I supposed to do?
- Bette Porter: Hold his hair.
- Shane McCutcheon: He doesn't have any hair!
- Alice Pieszecki: [reading a message from Papi on her computer] "Tonight, ten p.m. I'll be there. Will you?" Oh yeah, sure you will, Papi.
- Tina Kennard: You call your computer "Papi"?
- Alice Pieszecki: Oh, no, it's this girl on Our Chart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been? Oh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of Heteroville, that's right.
- Alice Pieszecki: [as Shane walks into the room] Well, holy fuck as I live and breathe.
- Tina Kennard: Wow! Shane!
- Kit Porter: Look who finally showed up?
- Nadia Karella: Wow. Are you... are you an athlete?
- Bette Porter: [a beat] No. Why?
- Nadia Karella: Because you have, uhh... because you have very beautiful arms.
- Bette Porter: [laughs nervously] Uhh, I do some, you know, some yoga every now and again. I just, I really don't have any time to do anything more than that.
- Nadia Karella: My ex-girlfriend was a professional boxer and your arms sort of reminded me of hers.
- Bette Porter: [chuckles] Well, I'm not a boxer, so I better not get into a ring with her.
- [Both laugh awkwardly]
- Papi: [to Alice, correcting her pronunciation] It's little more Latina than your tongue is used to, chica. Here, let me help you to say my name right. You might need it later.
- Alice Pieszecki: Well, Papi, you have become sort of a legend in about uh... two days on my website. You crashed my whole server.
- Papi: What can I say, I've been blessed. Seems the ladies like me as much as I like them.
- Alice Pieszecki: We're talking about a helluva lot of ladies.
- Papi: Like I said: I've been blessed... a lot.
- Alice Pieszecki: What are you doing?
- Papi: Circles. Magic circles.
- Alice Pieszecki: [moaning] Circles...
- Papi: Circles are good, right?
- Alice Pieszecki: Oh yeah, circles are good. Yeah, circles. Oh wow, circles.
- Papi: You like that?
- Alice Pieszecki: Oh yeah, I think I really like circles. Circles are great, Papi!
- Alice Pieszecki: Do you wanna come in?
- Papi: Oh, no, no, no. Thanks, though. But it's against the rules. Rule number one: Papi doesn't do breakfast.
- Helena Peabody: [seeing Alice emerge from Papi's limo] Well, well, well. Someone had a busy night.
- Alice Pieszecki: Yeah, I was working.
- Helena Peabody: Working?
- Alice Pieszecki: Yeah, working pretty hard.
- [Helena chuckles]
- [last lines]
- Helena Peabody: [emerging from the bushes with Papi] So, would you like to come back for a nightcap?
- Papi: Uh... Rule number two: Never go home with a girl whose roommate you just bopped that same morning. But umm... thanks for the offer.
- Helena Peabody: [about Aaron] He sent you to fire me?
- Tina Kennard: It was a power trip. He's a scumbag.
- [first lines]
- Imposter Papi #1: [to Alice] Alice. Alice, over here. Alice? Alice right? From the radio?
- Alice Pieszecki: Yeah, you scared me.
- Imposter Papi #1: It's me.
- Kit Porter: So who's this gentleman?
- Shay McCutcheon: Shay.
- Kit Porter: Well, hi, Shay. Nice to meet you. You hungry?
- Shane McCutcheon: Helena hates me, doesn't she?
- Alice Pieszecki: No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?
- Shane McCutcheon: Really?
- Alice Pieszecki: Yeah.
- Shane McCutcheon: Well, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?
- Alice Pieszecki: You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?
- Shane McCutcheon: What?
- Shane McCutcheon: No, no, no. What do you mean I need a picture of him? No, no, no. I don't have a picture of him. I haven't known him that long.
- Shane McCutcheon: Where do you think you were gonna go?
- Shay McCutcheon: Home.
- Shane McCutcheon: I'm your home now, okay? We both have to get used to that.
- Jenny Schecter: It's illegal to keep a child out of school.
- Shane McCutcheon: Well let them arrest me.
- Nadia Karella: [to Bette] We call her "Heads Will Roll Kroll" because she fires at least one Dean a year.
- Stacy Merkin: I only chose books to review that hold significance to me.
- Jenny Schecter: Why does "Some of Her Parts" hold significance to you?
- Stacy Merkin: My partner's a survivor.
- Papi: [whispers in Alice's ear] You make me bad...
- Alice: [moans] Oh wow...
- [gasps]
- Alice: What are you doing?
- Papi: [whispers] Circles!
- Alice: Ohh...!
- Papi: Magic circles!
- Alice: [moans] Circles!
- Papi: Circles are good right?
- Alice: [moans] Oh yeah, circles are good!
- Papi: Aha!
- Alice: Yeah circles
- [gasps]
- Alice: Oh wow circles
- [moans]
- Papi: You like that?
- Alice: Oh yeah I really think I like circles!
- [moans louder]
- Alice: Oh wow, yeah circles, circles are great Papi!
- [moans even louder]
- Alice: Circles are great Papi!
- [gasps loudly between breaths]
- Alice: Oh Papi, oh Papi, oh my god Papi, Papi, Papi!