- Nora Batty: I sometimes think he's perverted!
- Compo Simmonite: I *am* perverted. To North Sea gas. We all are 'round here.
- [Wally encourages Compo to pursue Nora]
- Wally Batty: I don't know why you don't make yourself more attractive.
- Compo Simmonite: Hey, up! I *am* more attractive.
- Wally Batty: Before she'd marry me, I had to make meself more attractive. And like a fool, I did.
- Norman Clegg: You can't go tampering with nature, Wally.
- Wally Batty: Just a bit of solid Brilliantine.
- Norman Clegg: A well-known aphrodisiac. You must have been irresistible.
- Wally Batty: I was!
- [first lines]
- Compo Simmonite: I wonder if my life would've been different if I'd been taller.
- Foggy Dewhurst: Of course it would. Instead of being short and scruffy, you'd have been tall and scruffy.
- Norman Clegg: With longer holes in your trousers.
- [the trio sit on a hillside above a stream, and hear a man's voice in the distance]
- Fifi's Walker: Fifi? Fifi!
- Norman Clegg: Which one of you two answers to the name of "Fifi"?
- [Lamenting about the dog:]
- Fifi's Walker: All I ever see it do is eat flamin' toffees, lick the wife, and pee all over me geraniums
- Foggy Dewhurst: That's better than licking the geraniums and peeing all over...
- [Clegg cuts him off]
- Norman Clegg: Ahem.
- Foggy Dewhurst: But if it's her dog, why doesn't *she* take it for walks?
- Fifi's Walker: She's fatter than the dog is. She spends all her time chomping toffees, too. Mind you, she *is* great at keeping people from coming to the house.