The Whitest Kids U'Know (2007–2011)
Timmy Williams: Various
Photos
Quotes
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[Englishman #1 begins to urinate on Englishman #2's leg]
Englishman #2 : I say, sir. You seem to be peeing upon my leg.
Englishman #1 : Ah, what's all this?
Englishman #2 : Uh, good sir, you seem to be peeing upon my leg.
Englishman #1 : Ah! Well, it seems to me that your leg's in the way of my pee stream.
Englishman #2 : Yes, yes, well, I'm sure you'd find if you would just kindly angle your pee stream a fraction to the left, that it would find it's way to the ground quite uninterrupted.
Englishman #1 : And I'm quite sure that if you'd but move your leg a fraction to the left, you would find it would cease to be peed upon.
Englishman #2 : Yes, yes, yes, yes. But my leg was here first.
Englishman #1 : Yes, and still I pee.
Englishman #2 : Hmm.
Englishman #2 : It appears we're at an impasse.
Englishman #2 : Yes, I see, but you will eventually run out of pee, of which to expel upon my leg, thus leaving me the victor in this little battle.
[Englishman #1 brandishes a watter bottle]
Englishman #1 : Ha!
Englishman #2 : Hmm, touché. Touché. And yet you merely delay the inevitable. 'Cause eventually that water bottle will be rendered dry and your bladder will follow in turn.
Englishman #1 : [to British Boy] I say, boy!
British Boy : Yes, gov'nor?
Englishman #1 : Be a good chap. Run to Boobie's Water Pub, return here with a half-liter. Be a good lad, and steady, and they'll be more employment where that came from.
Englishman #2 : I say, boy, I'll give you a whole two pence not to go to Boobie's Water Pub, and instead to go home and mind your studies.
British Boy : Oh, boy! My studies!
Englishman #1 : You get to Boobie's Water Pub or I'll box your ears!
British Boy : Right!
[pause]
Englishman #1 : And still I pee.
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Father : You see boys, your mother and I have gotten to that point that a lot of married couples reach, where we've grown tired of the mundane and the routine. At this point, a lot of couples tend to have extra marital affairs.
Trevor : [grossed out] Aw, dad...
Father : Hey, hey, let me finish. So to avoid the pitfalls that affect so many couples, your mother and I have decided to spice up the proverbial "sack".
Trevor : Aw, come on!
Father : Hey, hey, hold on! So instead of cheating on your mother with another woman, I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butthole!
Trevor , Zach , Sam : Oh, dad!
Sam : Be quiet!
Father : Hey, hey, now that's called being a good dad! Everybody's happy! Your mom's happy she's not being cheated on, I'm definitely happy, and you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop! That family's all together!
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Angry Mormon Father : [constantly shouting] Timothy! Come here!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : Yes, father.
Petrified Mormon Mother : Timothy, your father and I...
Angry Mormon Father : SHOOSH! Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight! Now, I know that before today you have been left in the charge of a BABYSITTER!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : [nods] Yes.
Angry Mormon Father : However, today is your thirteenth birthday!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : It is? What day is it? Let me write it down.
Angry Mormon Father : Timmy, SHOOSH! Now, since you are 13 years old, your mother and I...
[he puts his arm on her shoulder; she yelps]
Angry Mormon Father : Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight! I have left the number of the *theater* on the *refrigerator*, I have informed our neighbor, Mr. *Gludge*, that you will be left unattended! Should *any* emergencies arise, you are to go *directly* to him! We will return at 11:30! I expect you in BED, ASLEEP. TEETH. CLEANED. HOMEWORK. DONE!
Petrified Mormon Mother : [murmurs incoherently]
Angry Mormon Father : SHOOSH! Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old, I shall now touch you for the first time physically, in the form of a handshake.
[they touch hands]
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : Wow, my father's hand! It feels just like I thought it would!
Angry Mormon Father : Happy birthday, son.
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : Thank you, sir!
