- Milo Tindle: Maggie never told me you were... such a manipulator. She told me you were no good in bed, but she never told me you were such a manipulator.
- Andrew Wyke: She told you I was no good in bed?
- Milo Tindle: Oh, yes.
- Andrew Wyke: She was joking. I'm wonderful in bed.
- Milo Tindle: I must tell her.
- Andrew Wyke: I take a strictly moral position on all this. My wife is an adulteress. Actually, she should be stoned to death.
- Andrew Wyke: I understand you're fucking my wife.
- Milo Tindle: That's right.
- Andrew Wyke: Right... Yes, right. So, we've cleared that up.
- Milo Tindle: We have.
- Andrew Wyke: I thought you might have denied it.
- Milo Tindle: Why would I deny it?
- Andrew Wyke: Well, she is my wife.
- Milo Tindle: Yes, but she's fucking me.
- Andrew Wyke: Oh, she's fucking you too, huh? Well, I'll be buggered. Ha ha. Sorry.
- Milo Tindle: Yes, it's mutual.
- Andrew Wyke: You take turns?
- Milo Tindle: We fuck each other. That's what people do.
- Andrew Wyke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I follow.
- Milo Tindle: Where's the ladder?
- Andrew Wyke: What ladder?
- Milo Tindle: The ladder! Where's it gone?
- Andrew Wyke: It's not working. There was always a dodgy fuse on this. I'll phone the electrician in the morning.
- Milo Tindle: In the morning? What about now?
- Andrew Wyke: No, no, he'll be in bed. You know these country people, early to bed, early to rise. He's a nice chap, though. He's called Norman. Charming wife, Debbie. Three delightful kids. Oh, I just remembered. He's on vacation, he's taken the kids to Bermuda.
- Milo Tindle: What? So I'm stuck up here for the rest of my life?
- Andrew Wyke: Have patience. Stoicism is what's called for. Works wonders.
- Andrew Wyke: The shortest way to a man's heart, as I'm sure you know, is humiliation. It binds you together.
- Milo Tindle: I'm so glad you like my mind. Not many people like my mind. Quite a few people like my body... but i can't think of anyone who likes my mind.
- [on Milo being an actor]
- Andrew Wyke: Why have I never heard of you?
- Milo Tindle: You will before long.
- Andrew Wyke: Really?
- Milo Tindle: In spades.
- Andrew Wyke: That sounds threatening.
- Milo Tindle: Does it?
- Andrew Wyke: Doesn't it?
- Milo Tindle: You speak Dutch yourself, do you?
- Andrew Wyke: Yes, how did you know? I have a Dutch uncle.
- Milo Tindle: Can't see any Italian translations.
- Andrew Wyke: [Implying a double entendre] No, they're a funny lot, the Italians. Culture isn't really their thing.
- Milo Tindle: Their salami's good though.
- Andrew Wyke: Oh, is it?
- Milo Tindle: Italian salami? Best in the world.
- Andrew Wyke: Did you bring any with you?
- Milo Tindle: No, I left it at home.
- Andrew Wyke: Oh, shame.
- Milo Tindle: We're gonna have if for supper tonight, with a couple of bottles of Valpolicella.
- Andrew Wyke: So you're not well-known.
- Detective Inspector Black: No, I'm a common-or-garden copper. Just catch sex criminals, perverts.
- [sniff]
- Detective Inspector Black: Homicidal maniacs.
- Andrew Wyke: And what do you do with them when you catch them?
- Detective Inspector Black: I generally cut their balls off.
- [laugh]
- Detective Inspector Black: Do you want to know my opinion of the newspapers?
- Andrew Wyke: What?
- Detective Inspector Black: Journalists are a bunch of prick-teasing cocksuckers.
- Andrew Wyke: No.
- Detective Inspector Black: That's right.
- Andrew Wyke: I'm sorry, but isn't that a contradiction in terms?
- Andrew Wyke: Is it?
- Milo Tindle: If you think you're broke now, you'll be ten times broker by the time she's finished with you. She'll have your guts for garters.
- Andrew Wyke: What's your background?
- Milo Tindle: Me? Irish. Connemara. Spanish descent, by way of Uganda. My grandparents were slaves. My morther was a dark-eyed dusky beauty.
- Andrew Wyke: How did she describe him?
- Milo Tindle: Remote. Cold. Malevolent. Spiteful. Arrogant. Ruthless. Jealous. Paranoid. Criminal tendencies. Mentally unsound.
- Andrew Wyke: That's me, all right.
- Andrew Wyke: A great branch broke off a big tree and - flew through the air, through the skylight - as you can see. Act of God.
- Detective Inspector Black: Had it in for you, did he?
- Andrew Wyke: Who?
- Detective Inspector Black: God.
- Andrew Wyke: Oh, yes, he's always been a vicious bastard.
- Andrew Wyke: You know what God's trouble is?
- Detective Inspector Black: What?
- Andrew Wyke: He has no father. He has no family roots. He's rootless. Nowhere to hang his hat, poor bugger. I pity him.
- Andrew Wyke: Why should I give her a divorce if you're both walking away with 88 pounds?
- Milo Tindle: She wants a legal settlement. She wants part of your estate.
- Milo Tindle: Never trust in legal justice. You know what legal justice is? It's farting "Annie Laurie" through a keyhole.
- [first lines]
- Andrew Wyke: Yes?
- Milo Tindle: Andrew Wyke?
- Andrew Wyke: That's right.
- Milo Tindle: I'm Milo Tindle.