Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Nasti, Mr. Schidtler, Announcer, Blip, Snake-Eyes, Guy Fun, Camp Counselor

Quotes 

• El Capitano : Hey, kid, uh, you got any last requests?

  Justin Cammy : [before the firing squad]  No, not really. I just kinda regret that I never got to go to college.

  El Capitano : You, too? Boy, I wish I'd gone to college.

  Justin Cammy : Do you feel inferior because of it?

  El Capitano : Maybe a bit.

  Justin Cammy : And do you feel that this inferiority complex sometimes finds an escape valve in overtly aggressive behavior?

  El Capitano : What? I don't know.

• Alasdair Gillis : Hey, did you ever go to college?

  Nasti : Jawohl! A military college, of course.

  Alasdair Gillis : Oh, yeah? I bet you were a B.M.O.C.

  Nasti : Oh, you mean a "big man on campus?"

  Alasdair Gillis : No, big MEANY on campus.

• Ross Ewich : You know, when I first went to college, there was no computers.

  Christine McGlade : When you first went to college, there was probably no electricity.

• Justin Cammy : Barth?

  Barth Baggs : Mm-hm?

  Justin Cammy : Do you believe in a college education.

  Barth Baggs : No. Now, take me for instance. I am a self-made man.

  Alasdair Gillis : That accounts for it.

  Justin Cammy : For what?

  Alasdair Gillis : Well, with looks like his, he must have made himself about the same way he makes his burgers - with old garbage and bits and pieces of dead things in the middle of the road.

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that!

• Camp Counselor : Now, campers, I know that this is your first summer away from home, but I want you to think of it as a preparation for later life when you go off to college. Now, get a good night's sleep, because skinny dipping begins at 5:30 in the morning, sharp.

• Lisa Ruddy : Dad, are you glad you went to college?

  Lance Prevort : Uhh, college... Y-yeah, I guess.

  Valerie Prevort : It prepared him for his life in politics anyway, Lisa.

  Lisa Ruddy : I didn't know to took Political Science.

  Valerie Prevort : No, he didn't, dear, but in college he learned how to cheat on exams, bride professors and drink too much.

  Lance Prevort : That is not true. I learned to drink too much at high school.

• Coach : I don't need to tell you how important this game is. There's a bunch of college scouts out in that grand stand, and you know what that means?

  Justin Cammy : A chance to have our scholastic goals subsidized by athletic endeavor?

  Coach : Nooo, you dummy! A chance for guaranteed grades and big bucks under the table for four years.

• Announcer : The M.I.T./U.C.L.A. game will not be shown because "mitucla" is a dirty word in Arundi Burundi. In its place we present the following from the school of hard knocks.

• Lisa Ruddy : You know, Christine, Barth's place have really prepared me for college.

  Christine McGlade : Are you kidding?

  Lisa Ruddy : Oh, no-no. You see, eating here kills my taste buds so I won't mind the crumby food they serve in cafeteria.

  Christine McGlade : Then it's true.

  Lisa Ruddy : And when I go into biologies, the sight of dissected frogs and pickled brains won't bother me at all. Barth's included those on menus for years.

  Barth Baggs : D'yah, now you know why I go to biology class in night school.

  Lisa Ruddy : To study?

  Christine McGlade : Oh, no. To pick up the remains. Whadda ya think's IN the burgers?

• Marjorie Silcoff : Mom just told me that you spent six years at college. Wow.

  Lance Prevort : Well, you know me. I hate braggin'.

  Marjorie Silcoff : Can I see your diplomas, Dad?

  Lance Prevort : Diplomas?

• [Justin says he'd rather goof off and have a good time than go to college] 

  Lance Prevort : Goofing off and havin' a good time - that's WHY you go to college. That's what I went to college for.

• Principal : Oh, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Why are you studying all the time?

  Lisa Ruddy : So I can keep my grades up. I wanna get to college.

  Principal : Why are you so all-fired excited about going to college? I mean, those dumb dorms, the filthy cafeteria - and, young lady, you are liable to wind up with a moonie for a roommate who stays up till three in the morning listening to Def Leopard - the stupid initiation rights, and those frat parties? Dumb, dumb, dumb. AND, those weird profs. Hm-hm-hm. And THEN, the biggest laugh of all: when you get out - no jobs. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

  Lisa Ruddy : [to camera as the principal continues to gaffaw]  This must be the opposites. They never tell you this side of it.

• Lance Prevort : Don't you wanna go to college?

  Alasdair Gillis : Well, sure, but I just...

  Lance Prevort : Well, you ain't gonna get there readin' out of books! Here.

  Lance Prevort : [hands him a tennis racket and shoves him out the door]  Get out there and practice.

• Christine McGlade : Not as young as you used to be, huh?

  Ross Ewich : No, but then who is - 'cept maybe Dick Clark.

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television has been a Phi Beta Kappa Production.

  Announcer : [on camera]  Phi Beta Kappa - I wonder if that means "stupid" in Greek.