- Veronica Mars: I'm not looking for a pity party.
- Wallace Fennel: That's good, cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Hump the furniture, party back to the Stone Age, 50 keg bacchanalia?
- Veronica Mars: Sounds fun, right?
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my "porn star" tube top.
- Professor Hank Landry: You learn a lot about people when you read their plan-a-perfect murder papers. I must say, I'm a little frightened to appear before you today, and it's not that just a good half dozen of you offed me. A chainsaw Biggles? Really? Let's see, we got rid of a full score of ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends. The local sheriff bit the dust, and several of you decided to turn yourselves into only children.
- Veronica Mars: Do your own thing at the party, but if you see a girl who looks out of it, sneak up to her drink, dip the coaster in, see if it turns red. If it does, the drink is dosed.
- Wallace Fennel: And if you see a really cute girl and you want to dance with her?
- Veronica Mars: Dance. Just know that your libido caused some girl to get raped.
- Wallace Fennel: That kinda takes the fun out of it.
- Veronica Mars: Hey, it's your life.
- Wallace Fennel: Since when?
- Veronica Mars: See? You give me a hard time, I'm less enthusiastic about giving you the little "thanks for helping" presents I made for everybody this afternoon. Congratulations. You're all twenty-one.
- Cyrus O'Dell: Hot damn, I'm back in business. What would I do if you ever left me?
- Eli 'Weevil' Navarro: Call human resources and have them send a replacement?
- Mercer Hayes: Hey there, Parker is it?
- Parker Lee: Going somewhere?
- Mercer Hayes: Yeah, as a matter of fact.
- Parker Lee: Where is she?
- Mercer Hayes: Woah!
- Parker Lee: RAPE, RAPE, RAPE, RAPE!
- Veronica Mars: Howdy boys. Anyone up for going to a Pi Sig blowout? Beer and ladies and music and other stuff guys like, I'm sure. Fast cars, loose slots, electronic gadgetry, televised sports, pornography. Nothing? None of this grabs you?
- Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski: We were already planning on going.
- Wallace Fennel: I think everybody at Hearst is gonna be there.
- Veronica Mars: Awesome. Then you can help me out.
- Wallace Fennel: Suddenly it sounds like a lot less fun.
- Moe Flater: I don't exactly know how to put this. It's the sort of thing that makes me hate being a resident advisor, but I have to ask. Someone has been leaving a surprise in the third stall every day for the past two weeks. This person apparently never learned how to flush and it's my amateur medical opinion that he's suffering from what must be a terminal disease. So?
- Wallace Fennel: Not guilty, man.
- Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski: Third stall stage right or stage left?
- Moe Flater: Stage right.
- Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski: Yeah, not guilty either.
- Veronica Mars: Great job, Dick. I'm sure you won that debate.
- Logan Echolls: Ah, he's a master debater.
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Hump the furniture, party back to the stone age, fifty keg bacchanalia?
- Veronica: Sounds like fun, right?
- Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my porn star tube top.
- Keith Mars: Soup? You know how I feel about soup. It's a side dish.
- Veronica Mars: There's a meat loaf in the oven.
- Keith Mars: Now we're talking.
- Veronica Mars: Going somewhere?
- Keith Mars: Oh, very good number one daughter. You might make a detective yet.
- Beefy Resident: What happened to your leg, man?
- Mercer Hayes: Pet cougar, all right? Look, show's over, people, okay?
- Veronica Mars: Hey Bonnie. Where's your boyfriend tonight?
- Bonnie Capistrano: Do you see a ring?
- Dick Casablancas: Hey Veronica. Where's your boyfriend tonight? Oh wait, I'm so sorry. You don't have one anymore. Bummer.