- [Marzipan has started her own rock band and Strong Mad and The Cheat have joined. She calls her band "Cool Tapes", named after the words Homestar wrote on the wall. They perform the band's theme song, with her on lead guitar, Strong Mad on bass and The Cheat on drums]
- Marzipan: One! Two! Three! Four!
- [singing]
- Marzipan: Cool tapes are cool, 'cause they're where it is at / Cool tapes are cool, and we like it like that / Cool tapes / Cool tapes / We like to get it down with the cool, cool tapes / We like to get down with...
- [stops singing]
- Marzipan: Um... um...
- Homestar Runner: A bag of four grapes?
- Marzipan: [resumes singing] A bag of four grapes!
- [singing to the tune of "O Christmas Tree." While The Cheat, Pom Pom, and the Poopsmith stand by, they don't do actual singing]
- Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Coach Z, Bubs, Marzipan, The King of Town: Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween! Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween!
- Marzipan: With bunnies running for their lives.
- The King of Town: I wish this one was supersized.
- Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Coach Z, Bubs, Marzipan, The King of Town: Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween! Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween!
- Strong Sad: What are you guys talking about?
- Strong Bad: Hey, who the crap let Strong Sad out?
- Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Coach Z, Bubs, Marzipan, The King of Town: Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween! Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween!
- Bubs: I got all kinds of crazy crap!
- Homestar Runner: I bought Strong Bad a "Deep Impact"!
- Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Coach Z, Bubs, Marzipan, The King of Town: Decemberween, Decemberween...
- Homestar Runner: Coach Z's been drinking Listerine!
- Homestar Runner: Hey Strong Bad, I really like your costume. The Spanish Inquisition? That's great.
- Strong Bad: Look, for the last time, I'm not The Spanish Inquisition, I'm not Cab Calloway, and I'm not Strong Bad wearing a yellow turtleneck! I'm Carmen freakin' Sandiego!
- Marzipan: I like Cab Calloway.
- Strong Bad: Okay, Poopsmith, that's the worst costume I ever saw. I mean, you're *Lazer Tag*? What, are you supposed to be dressed up as the product? Or is it more abstract than that, like you're supposed to be the concept of Lazer Tag? Come on man, you know you just found that old crap in a trunk in your basement.
- The King of Town: Ease off, Strong Bad! He's not the one that dressed up as a *girl* two years in a row.
- Strong Bad: Oh ho ho ho, you asked for it, King.
- [Strong Mad punches The King of Town]
- Marzipan: What's wrong with girls?
- Bubs: Did any of you guys go to that house that was giving out change? I changed my costume and went back ten times. I made 35 dollars!
- Strong Sad: Did you guys go to that house where they let you into this big room and there's all these people wearing black hoods and they ask you these questions about life and existence and if you answer them wrong you get eternal damnation, but if you answer them right you get a Twizzler?
- Strong Bad: Um, no.
- Homestar Runner: No.
- Coach Z: Nope.
- The King of Town: No.
- Bubs: Nope.
- The Cheat: [a The Cheat noise that means, "No."]
- Strong Mad: No.
- Marzipan: No.
- Strong Sad: Oh, never mind.
- Marzipan: I like your costume, Strong Sad, but you weren't invited this year.
- Coach Z: Say, Pom Pom, check out this funky bass groove: a doo'rear, a doo'ri, a doo'rear, a doo'ri!
- [He grooves around a little]
- Homestar Runner: I really have to pee.
- Strong Bad: Yeah, and the Poopsmith's not smelling any rosier, neither.
- Homestar Runner: Oh, oh, I've got an idea! Let's totally freak 'em out. Let's repeat the stuff that we just said! Hey, Strong Bad, I really like your costume. The Spanish Inquisition? That's great...
- [Strong Bad opens his Decemberween present from Homestar]
- Strong Bad: What! A "Deep Impact" DVD? You got me this for like the last three years, man!
- Homestar Runner: I know, and you liked it so much, I decided to get it for you again.
- Marzipan: [on answering machine] Hi, this is Marzipan. Please leave me a message.
- Strong Bad: [leaving a message] Oh, hey Marzipan. Have you seen The Cheat? Because we can't find him anywhere. Anyways, this is Strong Bad and...
- [Strong Bad then stammers and clears his throat, talking like Homestar, only very poorly]
- Strong Bad: I mean, this is Homestar... Runner. Oh, Marzipan, I killed Pom Pom! Yeah, we were playing badminton in his yard and I got mad and I killed him! Oh, no, I need your help burying his body.
- [He starts laughing in a stifled way]
- Strong Bad: Uh, bring some towels and some garbage bags. This is Homestar.
- Gunhaver: The brain is divided into two halves: the good half and the evil half. The good half likes positive things, like self-esteem, Oreo cheesecake, bringing your old man a cold one, and all our playsets and toys. But the evil half likes littering, loitering, latering, lootering, and all the other stuff that causes inappropriate peer-to-teen choice behaviors!
- [Strong Bad approaches Marzipan wearing oven mitts]
- Strong Bad: Hey, Marzipan!
- Marzipan: Oh, hi, Strong Bad. Are those my oven mitts?
- Strong Bad: What? No! These are my training gloves... probably. Anyways, I heard Homestar's getting you the Yello Dello for your birthday.
- Marzipan: Yello Dello?
- Strong Bad: You wanna know what I got you?
- Marzipan: My oven mitts?
- Strong Bad: NOTHING!
- [repeated line]
- Cheat Commandos: [singing] Buy all our playsets and toys!
- [Homestar awakens from sleeping and looks at the clock, then the window, where it's night out and it's snowing]
- Homestar Runner: Oh, crap, I set the alarm for 10 PM instead of AM again! I was supposed to go Decemberween shopping today!
- [He looks at his calendar, the current date reading December 25]
- Homestar Runner: Oh, crap, it's Decemberween already!
- [He leaps out of bed and accidentally collides with the closed door]
- Homestar Runner: Oh, crap, I ran into the door!
- [He opens the door and falls down the stairs to crashing noises]
- Homestar Runner: Oh, crap, I fell down the stairs.
- [He finally makes it out the front door, naked; he groans]
- Homestar Runner: And now, I ran out of the house naked somehow.
- [Smiling]
- Homestar Runner: Ooh, but it IS snowing.
- Homestar Runner: Strong Bad! The good times are over! I swallowed your computer!
- Strong Bad: You WHAT?
- Homestar Runner: Oh, I mean a small bug. I swallowed a small bug.
- Strong Bad: Aw, now my head's not taped to the TV!
- Homestar Runner: Strong Bad, I really need your help.
- Strong Bad: And I really need to find out who shot Caleb Rentpayer!
- Homestar Runner: Oh, that's easy. I did.
- Strong Bad: You what?
- Tucksworth: Homestar Runner, did you shoot Caleb?
- Homestar Runner: [appears on the TV wearing sunglasses] I sure did!
- Strong Bad: You traitor! You shot my favorite TV show!
- [punches Homestar]
- Homestar Runner: [hiccups the bug] Hey, look at that. A small guy. A bug did fly in my mouth!
- Strong Bad: Oh, the good times are definitely over.
- [Strong Sad runs in wearing blue boxer shorts]
- Strong Sad: The world is saved! I found the bluue onnes!
- [Strong Bad comes to the House that Gave Sucky Treats dressed as Carmen Sandiego]
- Strong Bad: Where in the world is my candy?
- [the player gives him an apple]
- Strong Bad: What is *this* crap? What are you, a dentist? Or a hippie? Or some kind of hippie dentist?
- Narrator, "That Time of Year": Snow falls from the 'bove. It's cold when it snows.
- [Strong Bad uses pen to alter the book]
- Strong Bad: Now, a million eyeballs fall from the 'bove. The boy gets financial advice from the rat king. Or...
- [redraws and rewrites]
- Strong Bad: Show the future, magic ball! It burns flesh when it glows.
- Narrator, "That Time of Year": Greta is baking cookies. When will they be done?
- [Strong Bad makes Greta look Goth and hold a can of bug spray]
- Strong Bad: Greta is feeding the mouse bug spray. When will he be done for?
- Narrator, "That Time of Year": Decemberween is here. Decemberween is here. Today.
- [Strong Bad draws and writes over the book]
- Strong Bad: Radioactivity is here. Growing arms out of heads is here. Today. Or...
- [Draws himself into the story]
- Strong Bad: I am here stealing your presents. Sorry, kids. Today is not your lucky day.
- Reynold: How do I keep from making peer-to-teen choice awards, Gunhaver?
- Gunhaver: If you find yourself in a sticky "teenage situation", just remember these three pro-positive life tools.
- [Silent Rip and a Blue Laser minion are shown in a classroom, taking a test]
- Blue Laser Minion: What you get for number four, sir?
- Silent Rip: Uh...
- Gunhaver: [cutting in, pausing the scene] FREEZE! Pro-positive life tool number one: say you have one of any debilitating Gold Rush-era diseases.
- Blue Laser Minion: Come on, man. I thought we were bros!
- Silent Rip: I can't. I have the typhoid. Or the cholera!
- Blue Laser Minion: Never mind. Your answers are gross, bro.
- Reynold: Gold Rush-era diseases, eh?
- Gunhaver: Now you're getting it!
- [Strong Bad throws a marshmallow roast to compete with Marzipan's meatless luau. He tries to light a stack of firewood on fire with some matches, but for some reason, the firewood refuses to light on fire]
- Strong Bad: Stupid matches, freakin' light the fire!
- Strong Mad: [rubbing his belly] Ugh. Hungry.
- Bubs: I'm with Strong Mad. I feel about as hungry as the King of Town on a Saturday!
- Strong Bad: I'm trying! I'm trying! Gtch!
- [taunting voice]
- Strong Bad: Hello, my name is Piece of Wood and I don't want to catch fire. Hello, my name is Little Match, and I don't want to *make* a fire!
- [completely agitated]
- Strong Bad: HELLO! MY NAME IS FIRE, AND I'M NOT COMING TO YOUR STUPID PARTY!
- Strong Bad: [imitating Tucksworth] Strong Caleb, did you make the best omelet ever during the commercial break?
- [He then imitates Caleb]
- Strong Bad: I sure did.
- [Homestar and Strong Bad have just watched a Halloween-themed commercial for Fluffy Puff Marshmallows with spokesman Marshie dressed as a vampire]
- Strong Bad: I thought you said you were the star of this one.
- Homestar Runner: Oh, right. I made that up. But I did get to keep this cool eyeball.
- [He picks up an eyeball from offscreen and puts it on]
- Homestar Runner: See! See!
- Strong Bad: What're you doing?
- Homestar Runner: Isn't that the sound that, um... eyeballs make?
- [Homestar leans toward Strong Bad, while Strong Bad backs off and then gets up and leaves]
- Homestar Runner: See! See!
- Homestar Runner: [sighs a lot]
- Strong Sad: What's the matter, Homestar?
- Homestar Runner: [surprised] Oh! Strong Sad! I can't decide what to get Strong Bad for Decemberween.
- Strong Sad: Uh, what do you mean?
- Homestar Runner: Well, I know he's kind of a jerk sometimes, and he says "Holy crap" a lot, but I think if I get him the perfect present, he just might like me again.
- Strong Sad: What? People get presents for Decemberween? I always just get locked in the bathtub.
- [Marzipan is reading a newspaper as Homestar walks in]
- Homestar Runner: Hey, lady.
- Marzipan: Homestar, did you know that crime is on the rise?
- Homestar Runner: Yeah, no. Is it?
- Marzipan: Yes, things are very serious right now. So what are you going to do to protect me?
- Homestar Runner: Um, I could put a dash between "Homestar" and "Runner" from now on.
- Marzipan: [excited] Really? You'd do that for me?
- Homestar Runner: Ha, no. Of course not.
- [Blue Laser Commander ambushes Firebert in an alley and holds out a chocolate bar]
- Blue Laser Commander: Hey, kid, wanna smoke some candy with me?
- [Once again, Gunhaver freezes the scene]
- Gunhaver: Pro-positive life tool number three: have your light infantry create a thick smokescreen, then lay down some suppressive fire until the snipers are in position. But look out for surface-to-air antioxidant missiles.
- [the scene is shown exactly as Gunhaver describes, with Firebert providing the smoke on Blue Laser Commander, who coughs, and then fires a gun at him. They then duck aside as missiles, supposedly containing green tea, shoot by]
- Gunhaver: Then by the time Reinforcements shows up...
- [Reinforcements approaches]
- Reinforcements: Hey, guys.
- Gunhaver: ...your mom should be waiting for you in the bus turnaround.
- [Homestar is trying to find some ingredients for a potion and he runs into Coach Z and Pom Pom]
- Homestar Runner: Taco-Man came by. He gave me some water, he gave me some water. What are you guys gonna do for me?
- Coach Z: Pom Pom, give the man some stank water. I will not be upstaged by Taco-Man two years in a row!
- [on Halloween night, everyone is standing around in the spooky woods]
- Homestar Runner: Strong Bad, Blanche from "The Golden Girls"? Genius!
- Strong Bad: [dressed as Jambi the Genie from "Pee-wee's Playhouse"] I'm not Blanche from "The Golden Girls".
- Bubs: No, no, he's Phyllis Diller!
- Coach Z: I thought you were supposed to be my hot mom!
- Strong Bad: No, I'm Jambi the Genie! You know, "Wish? Did somebody say wish?"
- The King of Town: I wish you'd dress up as something I could recognize! Pop culture... mumble grumble...
- [Bubs arrives at the House That Gave Sucky Treats dressed up as Mars Blackmon]
- Bubs: Please, baby, please, baby, baby, baby, please! Gimme some candy!
- [the player gives him a pack of Bazooka bubble gum]
- Bubs: I never understand the comics that come in this bubble gum. I mean, the first frame is some guy saying, "Look out, the sky is falling!" And the second frame is some guy getting hit on the head with a rock. And I'm sitting there going, "What the heck just happened?" And before I know it, I swallowed my bubble gum!
- Homestar Runner: Psst. Uh, hey, The Cheat.
- The Cheat: [a The Cheat noise that means, "Huh?"]
- Homestar Runner: I had a really important question to ask you about your costume. Are you supposed to be dressed up as some kind of a witches' brew?
- The Cheat: [actually dressed up as Russell from "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids"; makes annoyed The Cheat noises and looks away]
- Homestar Runner: Wait, wait, I had another question I wanted to ask you. It's not about witches' brew. Okay, it is, but just hear me out.
- [Homestar and Strong Bad have just finished watching a Decemberween episode of Sweet Cuppin' Cakes]
- Strong Bad: Didn't I invent this cartoon?
- Homestar Runner: Yeah, I think so.
- Strong Bad: Then how come I can't understand a lick of it?
- Homestar Runner: What's there to understand? Eh! Steve's mouth exploded the universe, and the little blond guy did a tidy, tidy dance.
- Strong Bad: Oh, right. The true meaning of Decemberween.
- Homestar Runner: Yeah, yeah. Right, right.
- Strong Bad: Whatever. I'm gonna go re-nog.
- Homestar Runner: [a few seconds after the screen fades to darker colors] Will you turn the lights on when you come back in?
- Coach Z: Tell me what's the matter.
- Homestar Runner: Well, it's Marzipan's birthday, and I don't know what to get her.
- Coach Z: Well, Homestar, I tell you. Girls are like a great sports play: you can't just rush in to the score zone! You kiddin' me? You'd be clobbered! You've gotta stick and move and zig and zag to get past the defenses, so youse can score.
- Homestar Runner: BUT COACH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
- Coach Z: Don't just get her a flower, get her some rare flower from the tallest mountain. That way she knows how much she means to yahs!
- Homestar Runner: Thanks, Coach!
- [the Cheat Commandos are about to leave on a mission]
- Reynold: Can I come, too?
- Fightgar: [laughing] Good one, Reynold-a.
- Crackotage: You can't shoot and you can't fly. If you came with us, you'd probably die!
- [Crackotage laughs, then the Commandos leave]
- Reynold: [whiny voice] Aw, I never get to go on any missions! I would be a good mission... guy.
- [Marzipan comes to the House that Gave Sucky Treats dressed as Joey Ramone]
- Marzipan: Hey, ho. Let's go. Hey, ho. Trick or treat.
- [the player gives her a steak]
- Marzipan: Is this some kind of joke? Cause it's not funny.
- [while Marzipan is talking, Strong Bad can be seen hiding more steaks in her treat bag]
- Homestar Runner: If you were at a party, what would you rap?
- Strong Sad: Each day we die a little more, yo. Better ax somebod-ay!
- Strong Bad: [as Reynold] Oh, I really need to go grocery shopping. I wish my girlfriend didn't leave me.
- [Five years after it came out, the results of the best Homestar Runner Halloween costume of 2001 are in and the winner is Strong Bad. He is very thrilled. He goes up onto the podium and says his thank-you speech]
- Strong Bad: Guess who won? I won a game, a-da-dah! Ba-da-da-da-dah! I won the game tonight at the award ceremony! Oh yeah! First I want to thank The Cheat for helping me to cheat.
- [sees The Cheat in tears and waving to him; Strong Bad waves back]
- Strong Bad: We did it, little buddy! And I want to thank my agent Bubs; Bubs, my producer; my director, Bubs; and of course, my super-hot girlfriend, who just recently got sucked into a wormhole, so she's probably in some other dimension... right now. I did it for you, baby! I'm out, peace, love!
- [Two Blue Laser minions meet with Fightgar at a Price Style grocery store with some bottles, each labeled as "wine coola"]
- Blue Laser Minion: [to Fightgar] Hey, man. We need you to put these wine coolers down your pants... er, down your headband.
- Fightgar: Oh, um, uh...
- [Again, Gunhaver pauses the scene]
- Gunhaver: STOP! Pro-positive life tool numero two: Envision your inappropriators as giant slices of pizza.
- Fightgar: [to Blue Laser minions, laughing while he speaks] You're deep dish! And you've got extra cheese. Oh, pepperoni.
- Blue Laser Minion: What's with this guy?
- Blue Laser Minion 2: He sounds crazy. Shall we shoot him?
- Blue Laser Minion: Abso-total-lutely!
- [They pull out big guns and aim them at Fightgar]
- Reynold: But Gunhaver, I've never had pizza before.
- Gunhaver: But you know what it looks like, don't you?
- Reynold: I think so.
- Gunhaver: Now you're getting it!
- Homestar Runner: I just graduated from college. What should my epipath say?
- Strong Sad: Homestar, do you even have half a brain?
- Homestar Runner: Hot biscuts! Those are the best magic words I've ever heards!
- Strong Bad: [singing, dressed as an NBC Peacock-like turkey] Dun dun dadun dun dun! Oh, I'm some stupid turkey, as stupid as they come! Cut off my head! Stuff me with bread! Go and suck your thumb!
- [Homestar, The Cheat, Strong Mad, Coach Z, and Bubs come out from behind Strong Bad]
- Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, Bubs, Coach Z, Strong Mad: Go and suck your thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumb!
- Homestar Runner: Now let us go and partake of our wonderous feast!
- [fade to black]
- Strong Bad: [offscreen] Hey, wait a minute! Where's the King of Town?
- The King of Town: [looking even fatter than usual] Doo hoo hoo!
- [hiccup]
- The King of Town: More gravy, please!
- [Strong Bad does a commentary on Homestar Runner characters costumes fans made and he sees one of a man dressed as Strong Bad, but with a distended head, standing in front of an office building]
- Strong Bad: [narrating] Dear Strong Bad, how's your miserable job at the depressing faceless office park? Oh, pretty good, Geraldine. Today they let me stand out in the parking lot and stretch my head during my seven-minute lunch break. If I'm lucky, I'll get to work here for ten years with no promotion and then get laid off.
- [Strong Bad comments on a picture of some Halloween pumpkins with images of various Homestar characters carved into them]
- Strong Bad: Whoa, those things rule! These are, like, the talismans of power! You know, like, when they're all together, they're a source of unspeakable evil! But then they all get separated and you have to collect them. So, like... the first board would be the jungle board, and maybe the second board is ice world, and then there's probably a desert world in there and a fire world...
- [Strong Bad and The Cheat have stolen the King of Town's crown, but he doesn't know that, only that his crown was stolen. He goes to Bubs to explain. Bubs and Coach Z writing out a sketch of the thief for the king]
- Bubs: So, describe to me what the perpetrator looked like.
- The King of Town: Had a head like a big ol' round ol'...
- Bubs: Okay.
- The King of Town: ...red ol'...
- Bubs: Uh-huh.
- The King of Town: ...nasty ol' egg.
- Bubs: I see.
- The King of Town: And hands looked like biscuit dough.
- Bubs: Uh-huh. Is this the man?
- [Bubs shows the king the police sketch. But the perpetrator looks nothing like Strong Bad; instead, it looks more like a guy in a sweater with the number 7 on it with biscuit-dough hands and a craggy face]
- Coach Z: It was Biscuit-Dough-Hands Man! I knew it!
- [Strong Bad comments on a picture of someone dressed up as Strong Bad punching a man in a papier-mâché Homestar head and Homestar's shirt]
- Strong Bad: Here I am beating up some kind of... mashed potato man. Uh, they got my head pretty good in this one, 'cept I'm not sure what that junk in the front is. I clearly don't have any junk in the front.