Les Lye: El Capitano, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Mr. Schidtler, Doctor, Announcer, Blip, Camp Councilor

Quotes 

• Announcer : The Waltons Move To Mount St. Helen's will not be seen at this time due to a natural catastrophe. In its place we present the following UN-natural catastrophe.

• Alasdair Gillis : Dad, why do all campers bring beans on camping trips?

  Lance Prevort : Well, you see, Alasdair, the great outdoors is the only safe place to eat 'em.

• Camp Councilor : It is my duty as your troop leader to show you how to make a fire at any time, anywhere, out in the wild, wild woods. I want each of you to take two sticks and rub them together.

  Lisa Ruddy : Why would we want to do that?

  Camp Councilor : Well, it keeps you busy while I go up to the truck to get some matches.

• Doctor : Alasdair, I'm going to have to put you on a diet of natural foods.

  Alasdair Gillis : Natural foods?

  Doctor : [writing]  Two tons of alfalfa sprouts. Let's see... a hundred pounds of powdered yeast. Fifty gallons of cider vinegar.

  Alasdair Gillis : Will all this help me?

  Doctor : Help YOU? No, not you - my nephew. Just opened up a health food store.

• Lance Prevort : [telling his fish story]  Valerie, you should have seen that sucker. It was THAT big... oh, sorry. I took a picture of it and the PICTURE weighed eleven pounds.

• Lance Prevort : You like the great outdoors, do you?

  Alasdair Gillis : Yeah, I think it's great.

  Lance Prevort : Good! I'll give ya a chance to sample it first hand: Take out the garbage.

• Mr. Schidtler : Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe?

  Lisa Ruddy : Oh!

  Mr. Schidtler : Lisa?

  Lisa Ruddy : Earth.

  Mr. Schidtler : Right. That's one. Um, Kevin!

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Eh, air!

  Mr. Schidtler : Yeah, that's right. That's two. Uh, Christine?

  Christine McGlade : Uhm... fire!

  Mr. Schidtler : Right. And now Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

  Vanessa Lindores : Yeah, but I'm not going to.

  Mr. Schidtler : Well, Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is or you tell me you don't know.

  Vanessa Lindores : Well, either way I get something dumped on me. Okay - water.

  [Water pours onto her head from above] 

  Mr. Schidtler : Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

• Vanessa Lindores : Dad, what does Thanksgiving really mean?

  Lance Prevort : Thanks... thanksgiving, Vanessa? It's a time to give thanks and to celebrate the bounty of nature.

  Vanessa Lindores : How?

  Lance Prevort : By killin' a turkey and eatin' it. But, mind you, we do things different around this place.

  Vanessa Lindores : Well, in what way?

  Lance Prevort : Well, we seem to celebrate Thanksgiving by having a bunch of turkeys over to eat.

  [Doorbell rings] 

  Lance Prevort : Oh, that's the door. You'd better get it. It's probably your mother's turke... um... relatives.

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television has been a Call Of Nature Production.