- Announcer: [voiceover] To Tell The Truth, with guest host Richard Nixon, will not be shown at this time. In its place we present another show that defies credibility.
- Nasti: Alasdair, I knew you couldn't get out to vote, so I brought along your ballot.
- Alasdair Gillis: Oh, what are you running for, dog catcher?
- Nasti: No-no, kid catcher.
- Alasdair Gillis: Hey, just a second, there's only one name on this ballot - yours.
- Nasti: Yeah. Things look pretty good for me at the polls.
- Alasdair Gillis: But this is a farce! I'm not voting for you. Forget it.
- Nasti: Wait a minute, listen, if I catch udder kids, I'll let you go free.
- Alasdair Gillis: Ah. Well, um... after careful consideration, and 'cause you'd be the best for the, uh, country, I guess you're the only man for the job, right?
- Nasti: I thought you'd see it may way.
- Christine McGlade: Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That On Television, the show that promises but never delivers.
- Christine McGlade: You know, Lisa, I'm glad to see that you're concerned about the tarnished image of politics.
- Lisa Ruddy: [warily] Why?
- Christine McGlade: Well, because class elections are coming up and I nominated YOU.
- Lisa Ruddy: Me?
- Christine McGlade: Yeah. You'd be perfect.
- Lisa Ruddy: Oh, I'm not sure.
- Christine McGlade: Listen, I'll be your campaign manager. With my political savvy, you're a shoe-in.
- Lisa Ruddy: Well, what makes you think I'll be any good?
- Christine McGlade: Well, several things: You're a straight-B student with a background in acting, like Ronny Reagan. Um, but most of all - more than anyone else I've ever met in my life - you have this habit of talking a lot and saying very little.
- Principal: You should be ashamed with yourself - caught red-handed cheating in an exam, and then you tried to bribe the teacher. What have you got to say for ourself?
- Alasdair Gillis: Nothing. What's wrong with that?
- Principal: Whadda you wanna be when you grow up - a criminal? A thief?
- Alasdair Gillis: No. A politician.
- Christine McGlade: Lisa, as your campaign manager, there's a few sort of personal questions that I have to ask you.
- Lisa Ruddy: Okay.
- Christine McGlade: Okay, have you ever been involved in any torrid sex scandals in your past?
- Lisa Ruddy: Ah, I only wish.
- Christine McGlade: Have you ever been in an insane asylum?
- Lisa Ruddy: Does this show qualify?
- Christine McGlade: Hm. I'll have to check into that. Um, have you had any dealings at all with organized crime.
- Lisa Ruddy: No, only Ross, and he's not very organized.
- Lisa Ruddy: I guess I've had a pretty boring life so far.
- Christine McGlade: Well, listen, that's great. In any other profession, that would be held against you, but in politics, boring is beautiful. You're just the right kinda gal.
- Lisa Ruddy: You being a politician, how do you feel about the arms race?
- Lance Prevort: Ah, uh, is that anything like the Indianapolis 500?
- Alasdair Gillis: But, Dad, I'm not so sure I want to get into politics.
- Lance Prevort: Aw, come ON, Alasdair. It's-it's, uh, easy hours and you don't have to know very much.
- Alasdair Gillis: Ah, so, anyway, did that kid who, uh, wets his bed win the election for camp director?
- Justin Cammy: No, as a matter of fact, he didn't. The other kids found out and they wouldn't vote for him, you know.
- Alasdair Gillis: Well, I wonder how everybody found out.
- Justin Cammy: Guess it must have leaked out. Get it? "Leaked out."
- Lance Prevort: Your first report card from your brand new school, the school of politics. Let's see how you did here. Graft: A. Payoffs: A+ - good work. Mud-slinging: A-. Dirty Tricks: A. Rabble-Rousing: A+ - beautiful. Statesmanship, Diplomacy and Foreign Policy: F. Oh, Justin, you've made me so proud, my boy. Beautiful!
- Justin Cammy: But, Dad, I flunked three subjects!
- Lance Prevort: Ah, yeah, but you passed the important ones.
- Lisa Ruddy: [hearing that Lance's reelection campaign isn't going well] Well, have you been doing all the regular stuff, like shaking hands and kissing babies?
- Lance Prevort: Yeah. Oh! Oh, is THAT the way it goes? Oh, no wonder. I been kissing hands and shakin' babies.
- Mr. Schidtler: In communist countries, there is a complete lack of free speech, punishment without trial, and a ruthless leader who is not popularly elected.
- Alasdair Gillis: So what's so different about that?
- Mr. Schidtler: What?
- Alasdair Gillis: It sounds exactly like school.
- Mr. Schidtler: Young man, how do you think that this course in electronics has, uh, benefitted you?
- Justin Cammy: Well, I must say, it HAS prepared me for a career in politics.
- Mr. Schidtler: Uh-huh... Politics?
- Justin Cammy: Sure. Now I know how to tap a phone and bug a room.
- Justin: Alasdair, if you had to describe today's politicians in one word, what would it be?
- Alasdair: Uh, how about... unethical?
- Justin: Close, but not quite.
- Alasdair: How about... unscrupulous?
- Justin: Even worse?
- Alasdair: Even worse?... How about... slimy? Yeah, slimy...
- [Justin pours a bucket of green slime over Alasdair]
- Alasdair: I said "slimy," not "slime me," you idiot!
- Justin: Sorry.