- Lew Staziak: [Lew finds out his old girlfriend is dead] So long, sweetheart. Somewhere in hell, somebody's putting the wood to a quality broad.
- Lew Staziak: You don't laugh at a man for screaming at a chicken. They're prehistoric for God's sake!
- Lew Staziak: I'm looking for a hot number named Dolores Freeman. Tell her Lew's here.
- Federal Office employee: You can tell her yourself if you got a ouija board.
- [points to pictures of deceased employees on the wall]
- Simon: Thanks for letting me come.
- Andy Barker: You were hiding in the back seat of my car.
- Simon: I'm just saying I appreciate it.
- Lew Staziak: What is it, take your daughter to work day?
- Simon: It is an honor to be ribbed by you, sir.
- Lew Staziak: I'm not ribbin, I just honestly want to know why you're dressed up in men's clothes.
- Andy Barker: Why did we even go to Lew? Half of what he says is crazy.
- Simon: Unless it's not...
- Andy Barker: Please... a murderous chicken cartel? That doesn't exist.
- Simon: Unless it does...
- Andy Barker: Stop doing that!
- Andy Barker: Honey, once again I am so sorry that I ruined your barbeque. It's just this case I'm working on.
- Jenny Barker: You know what you're working on? My last nerve. Whatever that means. I'm feeling angry.
- Andy Barker: Well, where do I start? I mean, I don't have a lead. What's my way in ?
- Jenny Barker: If I know Andy Barker, you'll find a way in. For Willy.
- Andy Barker: That's Wally.
- Jenny Barker: Yeah, well, he should change that. He's in America now.
- Lew Staziak: Thanks for the coffee.
- Simon: Oh, you're welcome, Lew.
- Lew Staziak: [grunts after taking a sip] Guess you didn't need to bring sugar, you got plenty in your shoes.
- Lew Staziak: Either they're going to a costume party, or Andy asked Daniel Boone the wrong question.
- Tom Larivee: [aiming an antique pistol at Andy] Now get in my Bentley and shut up!
- Andy Barker: Isn't the hostage supposed to drive?
- Tom Larivee: Nobody but me drives Lady Gabrielle.
- Tom Larivee: [Larivee has fired an antique weapon at Andy but missed completely] It's Aaron Burr's, it hasn't been cleaned in 200 years.