The Magical World of Disney (TV Series)

Kids Is Kids (1961)

Paul Frees: Ludwig Von Drake

Quotes 

• Ludwig Von Drake : [talking about his book on modern child psychology]  My book is filled with helpful suggestions for all you parents. But in case you get nothing from the inside, you'll find the outside useful on their little backside.

  [he chuckles] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : Of course, I don't need any help raising children. I'm a bachelor.

• Ludwig Von Drake : Now, most child experts usually study thousands of families and they make one chart. But I studied one family and I made thousands of charts.

• Ludwig Von Drake : Now we all know that 1 and 1 makes 2, but when it comes to marriage 1 and 1 makes 3, a 4, 5, 6, 7 8 9 10, 11, 40, 93, 87, hike, o'er to the left, shoot, give me the ball, I've got to run with the ball, and I'm over the

  [crashes] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : wait a second, what is... and after several years, you're up to here in kids.

• Ludwig Von Drake : Look at all the thousands of letters from frustrated parents complaining that their brats... er, children... are noisy, destructive, disobedient, and uncontrollable. In other words, perfectly normal. And they're the worst kind. You can take my word for that.

• Ludwig Von Drake : [going through thousands of letters from frustrated parents]  These letters are all about the same.

  [picks up one letter] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : Now here's a typical one:

  [reads] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : "Dear Doctor, HELP!"

• Ludwig Von Drake : [about Donald and his nephews]  I call them Family X and oh they are average alright, they were TERRIBLE, especially Mr. X!

  [laughs] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : He was a real beaut, that Mr. X!

• Ludwig Von Drake : The first chapter in my kookbook and I call it a kookbook because it's about this kooky family, starts at the beginning, it's about birthdays, and that's where *everything* starts.

• Ludwig Von Drake : [spying on the nephews from a tree]  Unlike the other experts, I didn't bring them to my clinic, I observed them in their natural habitat. I did that once with a wallaby, a little bear from Australia, and very interesting. Course you observe humans from a distance like you would a lion or a tiger, anything that's... no sense in taking chances, I mean

  [laughs] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : it's a lot safer this way.

• Ludwig Von Drake : It's never too early to learn the value of money. After all, what can you do without money? Come to think of it, what can you do with it? Nothing.

• Ludwig Von Drake : Playing games is very important for the development of good sportsmanship, nobody likes a poor winner, especially the loser or vices virtue or something like that.

• Ludwig Von Drake : As part of my research on this chapter, I observed family X at play. While I observed Family X, I made sure they didn't observe me, because if they observed me observing them observing me, well naturally they wouldn't act naturally, naturally.

• Donald Duck : [to his nephews; laughing]  You boys are awful!

  Ludwig Von Drake : [watching from behind a snowman]  Uh-oh.

  Donald Duck : This time, I'll do it blindfolded.

  Ludwig Von Drake : Blindfolded! How cocky in hockey can you get? Never belittle children's abilities. They might develop complexes, and then the parent is liable to get hurt.

  [looks out again; sees nephews in a huddle] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : Just as I thought, they're planning some mayhem already.

• Donald Duck : [thinking he's an angel ascending to Heaven]  Goodbye boys, goodbye!

  Huey and Dewey : Goodbye, Uncle Donald!

  Ludwig Von Drake : [waving from inside a tree]  Goodbye sucker!

• Ludwig Von Drake : [Donald thinks he's died and is an angel]  An angel? He'll NEVER get in.

• Ludwig Von Drake : Parents often complain that their children eat like pigs. Now that's not nice to say about the children, they don't eat like pigs, they just look like pigs.

• Donald Duck : Well, they are on a vacation.

  Ludwig Von Drake : Maybe HE'S on vacation, but I'm working, and right now his kids are working on him!

• Ludwig Von Drake : One of the most important chapters in my book is the one on what to do with the kids during summer vacation. Well whatever you do, get them out of the house, go to the mountains, go to the beach, go anywhere, but go! Or you're gonna go nuts! Had I known that Family X was going to be on the go so much, I would've chosen Family Y! But I was determined to hang on until my research was completed.

• Ludwig Von Drake : [Donald's acting like a baby and ripping up the boys' comic book]  There are many ways to get your point across to the child. This is one for the book,

  [rips out his sheet] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : but not *my* book.

• Ludwig Von Drake : [Donald's pretending to be a baby and crying]  Some methods of training children are better than others, and this is the *worst* one I've ever seen!

• Ludwig Von Drake : Now how can a parent teach his children to grow up when he acts younger than they do?

• Ludwig Von Drake : [Donald's been knocked out and the boys make it look like he was killed by a boulder and is now an angel]  Children have very vivid imaginations, and that's good. An alert parent should encourage this, but I'll tell you something, I've never seen it go this far before!

  [laughs] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : Going up!

• Ludwig Von Drake : For ten years I had followed them, and you know what happens to kids after ten years? They become teenagers! One day your kids are asking for hot cereal and the next they're asking for hotrods. From quart of milk to gallons of gas in one. The only chance I had to rest and assemble my notes was when they had their car parked.

• Ludwig Von Drake : There are two viewpoints as to whether teenagers should have a car. The answer to both to be perfectly fair is no! But now that they have it, the parent should sell his car and buy a filling station because it's cheaper that way. And that's exactly what Mr. X did. He not only bought it, he ran it. How cheap can you get?

• [last lines] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : After all my research on this typical, interesting family, I've come to one important conclusion. You want to know what is that conclusion? I've had it! I have had it, I've had it! Ten years around Mr. X was ten years too much! His kids weren't so bad. The trouble is, children grow up and become adults.

  [laughs] 

  Ludwig Von Drake : And this is murder. But after taking notes for ten years, my research was finally completed. It covered everything.

• Ludwig Von Drake : [having lost Family X while following them on vacation]  When I realized I had lost Family X, I lost my head. Fortunately, I still had my thumb.

  [seen trying to hitchhike with other cars]