The Smoking Room (TV Series)

No Place Like Home (2005)

Paula Wilcox: Lilian

Quotes 

• Lilian : Oh, God! I've been stuck in the car park for half an hour going precisely nowhere! And there's a documentary on tonight that I do *not* want to miss!

  Clint : Men with Breasts?

  Lilian : That's the one!

  Sally : Have the men got breasts or is it about what men are like when they get their hands on a pair?

  Barry : Grateful...

  Lilian : No, they've actually got them, it's some weird syndrome... Ooh, nature's cruel! That poor chap on the advert was so good-looking!

  Clint : And? He had a really cracking pair of tits!

• Lilian : Ooh, I saw a film once where they were all snowed-in! "Snowed In", it was called... And eventually, they all had to eat each other! Imagine that, human flesh!

  Sharon : I wouldn't mind a wee taste...

  Lilian : Well, I suppose if your life depended on it...

  Sharon : Oh, if my life depended on it, I'd tuck in with no qualms!

• Lilian : Do you know? I can't say I'm minding being stuck here now. And, truth be known, I'm still not used to being in an empty house.

  Clint : Has someone stolen your furniture?

  Lilian : Devoid of people? Pain and all as Greg was, it was nice when I walked into a room and said "what have I come in here for?" to have somebody go "I dunno!"

• Sally : Nothing could get in through a window that small!

  Lilian : An alligator could, if it was on the prowl... Or a smallish wolf...

  Len : Fuck!

• Clint : Bet you're missin' out on a mad one, eh, Sharon?

  Sharon : A mad what?

  Clint : Night out! You earn a good whack! Bet you hit the bars and it's "another bottle of champagne!", yeah? "Another bottle of champagne!", yeah? "Another bottle of champagne!"

  Sharon : No!

  Clint : Don't you like champagne?

  Sharon : Certainly not in those quantities!

  Sally : So where do you go if you don't go to the pub? Movies?

  Sharon : I can't see the appeal... It's just sitting in the dark, staring forwards...

  Lilian : Do you not get lonely at home on your own?

  Sharon : I'm not on my own, I've got a cat.

  Lilian : Aww, what's its name?

  Sharon : Oh, it hasn't got a name! Can't see the point. But I'll sometimes talk to that. Say, "get out!" or "get off the sofa!"

• Robin : I can't take much more of this... I think I'll check into that B&B, near the petrol station.

  Lilian : Oh, that was closed down months ago! Bloke who ran it was a pervo... Secretly been videoing all the rooms!

  Sally : Dirty sod!

  Lilian : Yeah... But when the police played back the tapes, they just showed endless travelling salesmen sat up in bed reading John Grisham.