Californication (TV Series)
Pilot (2007)
David Duchovny: Hank Moody
Photos
Quotes
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Hank Moody : [upon getting fellatio from a nun] Sweet baby Jesus, Hank is going to hell.
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Becca : Father?
Hank Moody : Daughter?
Becca : Can I ask you something?
Hank Moody : Anything, my love.
Becca : Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?
Hank Moody : You wait right there okay?
Becca : There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's ok?
Hank Moody : I'll check.
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[Hank and Mia had a one-night stand]
Karen Van Der Beek : This is Mia, Bill's daughter, and this is Hank. You two know each other?
Hank Moody : No.
Mia Gross : Well, I do recognize you.
Hank Moody : No.
Mia Gross : Yeah, sure I do.
Hank Moody : No.
Mia Gross : From your book. Your picture is on the back.
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Hank Moody : [to Meredith] Now you're giving me that look, right now, like I fingerblasted your cat.
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Hank Moody : [to obnoxious cuckolded boyfriend] Yo, K-Fed, the little man on the boat? he's up here, that's where he is, right here.
[forms V with fingers and suggestively 'licks' towards top]
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[to Karen]
Hank Moody : Oh, I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes.
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Hank Moody : I was just trying to have a little chat with your husband up there.
Nun : Is there something I can help you with?
Hank Moody : Oh no, I don't want to bother a real live person about it.
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Hank Moody : So, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have shitty taste in movies.
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Mia Gross : Hey, that was really cool what you did tonight, it's nice to see some good old fashion family values in this morally bankrupt city of ours.
Hank Moody : That's me, I'm all about the family values.
Mia Gross : What happened to your eye?
Karen Van Der Beek : Yeah what did happen to your eye, Hank?
Hank Moody : Well, you should see the other guy.
Mia Gross : I hope she doesn't press charges.
Hank Moody : It was not a "she", it was a "he", the other guy.
Mia Gross : Right, or whatever I'm off to bed, good night. It was nice to meet you, Hank.
Hank Moody : Nice to meet you, too.
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[first lines]
Hank Moody : [to Jesus] Hey, big guy, you and me. We've never done this before but desperate times call for desperate measures. My name is Hank.
Nun : Hello, Hank.
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Becca : So, who won that round?
Hank Moody : Oh, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
Becca : Looks like a fun game.
Hank Moody : You think I made her laugh?
Becca : Sure. A little. On the inside.
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Karen Van Der Beek : Well, Bill and I never touched each other till we were dead and buried.
Hank Moody : Okay, are you trying to make me throw up now?
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Nun : Well, normally I would suggest a bunch of Our Fathers or a couple of Hail Marys, but I don't think that's going to get it done. What about a blowjob?
Hank Moody : Hm?
Nun : A blowjob. Would that make you feel any better?
Hank Moody : A blowjob from you?
Nun : Well, something tells me it's not going to suck itself, Hank.
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Becca Moody : Father?
Hank Moody : Daughter?
Becca Moody : Can I ask you something?
Hank Moody : Anything, my dear.
Becca Moody : Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?
Hank Moody : You wait right there, OK?
Becca Moody : There's no hair on the vagina. Do you think she's OK?
Hank Moody : I'll check.
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Hank Moody : [drove home trouserless] Ladies. Dad's trying out a new look.
[growls and struts like an alpha baboon in underpants]
Hank Moody : What do you think?
Becca : Dad?
Hank Moody : Yes?
Becca : Are you mentally insane?
Hank Moody : [kisses her] Yes. But I'm extremely high-functioning.
Karen Van Der Beek : He's much like a special-needs person that works at McDonald's.
Hank Moody : Exactly. I'm late and I'm sorry and... I'm not wearing any pants, but I would like to invite you two ladies to join me. Take your pants off and come with me to the pants-off restaurant.
Karen Van Der Beek : Sounds tempting. But I've got plans, okay?
Hank Moody : Oh, must be date night.
Karen Van Der Beek : Yeah.
