- Cannabis Proponent: [clearly quite stoned] Hi. Uh... There's a lot... there's a lot to be said in favor of cannabis. Um... where was I? Oh, cannabis! Right, yeah... It's a lot of fun!
- [passes out]
- Female Fatigued Reporter: The woman who has been a guinea pig for the new contraceptive sponge says it's no good, as she's now got a cake in the oven.
- Male Fatigued Reporter: There's good news and bad news regarding the T.U.C.'s Day of Action on Wednesday. The good news is: the British Rail will be working normally. And the bad news is: the British Rail will be working normally.
- Female Fatigued Reporter: Plans to donate Mark Phillips' body to science had to be shelved this week, when it was discovered that he still uses it on Saturday nights.
- Under Secretary of Defense: Good evening. As many of you know, the world situation is deteriorating rapidly. And so we seem, through no fault of our own, to be moving inexorably toward World War 3 and old Harry Holocaust, popping around for his bollocks. In view of this, and the possibility of war, we would like to advise all the young men of this country, in the next few weeks, to sleep around a lot more. There's no point waiting until the four-minute warning and then relying on there being a natty bit of skirt beside you in the bomb shelter. If you've got wild oats, as yet unsown, for god's sake sow the bloody things pronto, because in the words of our Lord, you can't take them with you when you go. It can be enormously helpful to be a Prophet of Doom, and sentences like, "Hello, the world is about to be destroyed; what about a bit of how's-your-father?" may prove invaluable. As for the women, I've been asked by the Prime Minister, no less, to convey to you a special message in this time of crisis: "Come on, girls, let's start dropping them before they start dropping them!" And, if you keep at it long enough, one day you really may feel the earth move.