Barney: Ted, you're crazy! This girl is blinding you... with her shiny hair and boob-shaped boobs!
[turns to Robin]
Barney: This is bad for you, too, you know. How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?
Robin Scherbatsky: I'm not wearing makeup right now...
Barney: Holy crap, you're beautiful!
Ted Mosby: [answering Cell Phone] Hello?
Barney Stinson: [talking in a deeper voice] Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby
Ted Mosby: Barney, I know it's you. Where's all my stuff?
Barney Stinson: It's not me. If you want to see your precious possessions again, put on the suit.
Ted Mosby: What suit?
Barney Stinson: Ding-dong. 'Oh, what's that?' The doorbell.
Barney Stinson: [Ted walks to the door] That's the suit I'm talking about!
Ted Mosby: I'm not there yet.
Barney Stinson: [changing back to his normal voice] Oh, OK, let me know when you get there.
Ted Mosby: OK, I opened it and there's a suit there.
Barney Stinson: [talking in a deeper voice again] That's the suit I'm talking about!
Ted Mosby: Barney...
Barney Stinson: I'm not Barney! But I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. First: Put on the suit. Second: Meet me at McClaren's in one hour.
Ted Mosby: How am I supposed to know who you are if we've never met before.
Barney Stinson: [Barney thinks for awhile] I look like Barney.
Barney Stinson: Ladys and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's top 10 list. The category: Top 10 things i would have called my truck...
Ted Mosby: It was never your truck.
Barney Stinson: ...if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted Mosby: It was a rental.
Barney Stinson: Number 10 - 'The Winne-Bango'. Number 9 - 'The Pick-Up Truck'. Number 8 - 'The Ford Explore Her'. Number 7 - 'The You Scream Truck'. You Scream. Number 6 - 'Feels on Wheels!'. Hello! Number 5 - 'The Ride Her Truck'. Number 4 - 'The 18-Squeeler'. Number 3 - 'The Esca-Laid'. Ih-ih-ih! Number 2 - 'The Slam-Boney'. Aaand the number 1 thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back...
Barney Stinson: ... 'The '69 Chevy'!
Barney Stinson: Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin?
Ted Mosby: Yes.
Barney Stinson: Wrong! The answer is: No, I secretly want to stay single and spend time with my awesome friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can score someone hotter than Ted?
Barney Stinson: Correct! The answer was awkward silence. Question Three: Did I make up this quiz to prove a point? Yes. Yes, I did.
Robin Scherbatsky: Really? You mean it wasn't from Yellow Legal Pad Monthly?
Barney Stinson: OK! Let's go one more.
Ted Mosby: I don't know.
Barney Stinson: You know you want to.
Ted Mosby: Alright, let's do it. I just gotta call Robin real quick.
Barney Stinson: Arrrghh, so that's what it's gonna be like from now on. No ok, ok, you call your old lady and ask permission to have fun. Me, I will be at the snack shack eating our victory onion rings, Han style.
[Ted gives a confused look]
Barney Stinson: Solo.
Lily: Okay, I think we need to lay down some ground rules. Just because we can be loud, doesn't mean we have to be loud. And although it might turn you on, you screaming, 'I'M THE BEST!' doesn't do much for me.
Marshall: Well, it's a lot better than yelling, 'Ted's not here!' over and over again.
Lily: Well, at least what I said is true!
Marshall: Well that was unnecessary.
Barney: Do you know why I haven't given you any of your possessions back yet?
Ted: Um, because you're Admiral Jerk of the British Royal Douchery?
Barney: Because you don't want them back. You could've left at any time tonight, but you didn't, Ted. Why is that?
Ted: Because I didn't wanna go back to Robin's without my stuff.
Barney: False. You know what I think? I think you spent one day with her and it already sucked. I think you didn't like being there, she didn't like having you there, and you both realized that you made a huge mistake. And that's why you spent your first night living with Robin out playing lazer tag with me. And that's why three seconds ago, you didn't call it 'my place,' or 'our place,' or 'home.' You called it Robin's.
Ted: You know what? You can keep my stuff.
Barney Stinson: You haven't moved in yet, have you? Good. You guys have to take this quiz. I found it in a magazine. It's called the "Are you ready to move in together?" quiz.
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, if it's anything like you're "Are you wearing panties" quiz, I'm out.
Ted Mosby: Barney, I don't know if you got my other 47 messages, but if my stuff isn't here within the hour I'm calling the cops. This is the last time I'm calling you.
Ted Mosby: Because my charger's in the back of the truck.
Robin Scherbatsky: [On the phone] Um, so if you could go ahead and cancel my subscription to Guns and Ammo, that would be great. No, it's a great magazine. Really great. They've printed three of my letters. It's just that my boyfriend is moving in and he kind of doesn't approve of the whole gun thing. A free hand grenade phone?
Robin Scherbatsky: You know what? Let me give you my work address.
Barney Stinson: [Barney is in the back of Ted's truck, putting the moves on a Rockette. Suddenly the van starts moving. Barney's phone rings] Hello?
Ted Mosby: [Deep voice] Enjoying the ride?
Barney Stinson: Ted? Ted, you let us out of here. You let us out of here this instant
Ted Mosby: This isn't Ted. But I hear that guy's awesome.
Barney Stinson: If I had a room here all I have to do is get them upstairs. Come on, guys. It'll be great! We'll come in after you guys are asleep and I'll be gone before you wake up.
Lily: So, you get to have sex and we get to wake some skanky girl up in the morning and kick her out?
Barney Stinson: God, Lily. Some guy just told her that he loved her then pretended to go to the bathroom and never came back you can't make her a cup of coffee? Real nice.
Marshall Eriksen: Lily... deep within the Amazonian rainforest, there is a type of tree that only grows around the body of an existing tree. It cannot survive without this tree. It is supported... by this tree. Lily, we are that tree.
Lily: The inside tree or the outside tree?
Marshall Eriksen: The outside tree.
Lily: Shouldn't there be three trees?
Marshall Eriksen: You and I are one tree. Okay, look, Lily, the point is that we grew around Ted and without him, we're slowly dying.
Lily: What do we do?
Marshall Eriksen: I think we can marry each other. But we also have to marry Ted.
Lily: I'll tell you right now, my Dad is not gonna pay for that wedding.
Ted Mosby: Look, I know that you guys were really excited to have a place to yourself, and... until after the wedding, I mean, if it's not too much of an imp...
[Lily and Marshall interrupt Ted by hugging him, one at each side of him, looking peaceful. Ted looks rather uncomfortable]
Ted Mosby: Um...
Marshall: God, this feels so right.
Lily: Mm. Never leave us again.
Ted Mosby: Guys, Robin's down in the truck, and there's actually a lot of boxes...
[Lily hushes him while she and Marshall are still hugging Ted]
Barney Stinson: Ted, you are my bro, and soon you will become a henpecked, beaten-down shell of a man. Tonight, we are having a no-holds-barred celebraiton of brohood, a broing away party, a brolebration, a bro-choice rally, brotime at the Apollo.
Ted Mosby: Oh, bro me!
Marshall Eriksen: [giving Ted his sword] It's a real bummer breaking up the set, but you're going to need it.
Robin Scherbatsky: He's right. My building is infested with dragons.
[playing laser tag]
Barney Stinson: Niiiice! WE win!
[Barney and Ted act smug]
Barney Stinson: Ooh, walk of shame,
[points to himself]
Barney Stinson: walk of game. What up!
Barney Stinson: Suit with sneakers. A little Ellen DeGeneres, but you pull it off.
Ted Mosby: My other shoes are in the truck with the rest of my stuff. Where is it, Barney?
Barney Stinson: Barney. Only people whose truck I'm not holding for ransom call me Barney. You may call me The Commodore.
Ted Mosby: [flipping through Robin's DVDs] You have anything that wasn't made by John Woo?
Robin Scherbatsky: [exhales, amused] Why? Do you?
Lily: I put all your heavy jackets in this box marked "winter." And all your colorful sweaters in this box marked "Bill Cosby."
Marshall: This is so great! We can finally do all the things we always said we wanted to do if we lived alone.
Lily: Oh, I know what I want to start with.
[Cut to them sitting on the couch naked]
Marshall: So, here we are, right? Sitting around the apartment naked. Awesome.
Lily: [Without enthusiasm] Yep.
Marshall: It's not as awesome as I thought it would be.
Lily: My butt itches.
Marshall: I'm cold.
Lily: I noticed.