- Creed: [talking about Dwight pepper spraying Roy] I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30. Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car, something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Cheroot grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter...
- Angela: [cuts him off] You're useless.
- Toby Flenderson: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from his female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.
- Toby Flenderson: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But if he did intend that... Wow. Genius.
- Michael Scott: Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.
- Jan Levinson: What's wrong with you?
- Michael Scott: I don't know. Was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.
- Dwight Schrute: Every day for eight years, I've brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And every day, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?
- Michael Scott: You know what, Pam, would you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?
- Pam Beesly: Oh, my God. That's a woman's suit.
- Kelly Kapoor: [on the phone] Dunder Mifflin Customer Service, this is Kelly... Oh yeah, I can totally help you with that! Okay, let me just get the folder out... Okay, it seems here that you ordered twelve thousand reams of paper. Oh, *twelve* reams...
- Dwight Schrute: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
- Dwight Schrute: I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro from "Heroes." That's a hero. Also Bono.
- Michael Scott: Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something: higher salaries. Win, win, win. But, you know, life is about more than just salary. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan...
- Jan Levinson: [firmly] Michael.
- Dwight Schrute: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
- Jan Levinson: Because of our situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present.
- Michael Scott: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
- Jan Levinson: Darryl from the warehouse?
- Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
- Jan Levinson: No, Michael, we need an H.R. rep. So, I think you should just bring Toby.
- Michael Scott: Hey, I'd rather kill myself.