- Danny Lightfoot: I didn't know, I was just following your directions.
- Benjamin Ernst: Yes, well something went wrong.
- Ted McGriff: What's wrong?
- Benjamin Ernst: Danny and I spent the whole day yesterday laying the 'Ernst line drawings,' my ad, you know, 'The best dude ranch in the west, bar none.'
- [Looking at Danny]
- Benjamin Ernst: So today we went out three to check it out in a plane.
- Ted McGriff: And it still looked like a man on a pig, huh?
- Benjamin Ernst: No, that's not the problem.
- [Shows Ted a photograph]
- Benjamin Ernst: This is the problem.
- Ted McGriff: [laughs] 'The best NUDE ranch in the west, bar none.'?
- Melody Hanson: [Brad and Melody walk up to the group and begin to laugh] It gets cold out there at night in the desert.
- Benjamin Ernst: You see what I mean, it's a disaster!
- Ted McGriff: You know Mr. Ernst, I don't think anyone has seen it.
- Benjamin Ernst: Well I certainly hope not, now you and Danny get out there and change it, pronto. 'The best DUDE ranch in the west.' Oh My God. Why me?
- [Sits]
- Benjamin Ernst: I try. I try.
- Female Nudist: [Two nudists arrive at the front office] Excuse me, where do we register?
- Benjamin Ernst: Oh, right around here, at the front desk. Just ring the bell if nobody is there.
- [It takes a moment for Mr. Ernst to realize what he's just seen and his face freezes with a look of shock and dismay when the nudists walk past him]
- Melody Hanson: Melody Hanson: My name's 'Cool M,' I work on a dude ranch. People eat so much you'd swear it's a food ranch. They eat lots of eggs, they eat lots of butter - enough cholesterol to make your whole heart flutter.
- Bradley 'Brad' Taylor: Mel, please... That's awful.
- Melody Hanson: What, flutter and butter?
- Bradley 'Brad' Taylor: No, the whole thing. It's too early in the morning, it's giving me a headache.
- Melody Hanson: You just don't understand rap. You're too old, you're out of touch.
- Bradley 'Brad' Taylor: Too old? Out of touch? I'm in touch!
- Melody Hanson: Okay, name two rap artists.
- Bradley 'Brad' Taylor: Alright. Let's see... Run DMV and, uh, LL Cool Bean.
- Ted McGriff: Watch your step.
- Melody Hanson: [blindfolded] I'd love to watch my step. Frankly, I'd love to watch anything.
- Bradley 'Brad' Taylor: 384... 385... 386...
- Melody Hanson: [yelling in the distance] Ted!
- Melody Hanson: 387... 783... 999... 1000. Ok, Bradley. Got your water. Got your knife. Got your... snake? Ted!