- Charlie Harper: How 'bout you? Do you, you hit the track?
- Greg: Yeah. It's actually my second biggest expense, after alimony.
- Charlie Harper: So, all your money goes to the nags, huh?
- Charlie Harper: [defending himself for the time he mistook a man for a woman] I was drunk! He was tucked, taped, and gorgeous!
- Alan Harper: The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me.
- Charlie Harper: [Looking puzzled] Really? Still?
- Berta: Alright! Don't get your panties in a bunch!
- Charlie Harper: What the hell's that supposed to mean?
- Berta: It means, don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack.
- Alan Harper: Oh, Jake is smitten. I usually only see that look on his face when we go to the pancake house.
- Charlie Harper: [about relationships and sexual orientation] I mean, I just think that variety is the spice of life. And as far as spices go, some people like salt, some people like pepper, some people like salt *and* pepper. Me? I like women.
- Greg: So, Charlie! I am guessing by the stack of racing forms next to the can, you bet the ponies.
- Charlie Harper: Hey, I'd bet on rabbits if you could get 'em organized.
- Jake Harper: Sophie says soccer is the most popular sport in the world.
- Charlie Harper: Well, then they don't need *us* to watch it.
- Charlie Harper: You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement, they're gonna start mounting each other!
- Alan Harper: Maybe that's the answer!
- Charlie: What was the question?
- Alan Harper: Who is Alan Harper?
- Charlie: Well, that's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot!