Peep Show (TV Series)

Conference (2007)

Robert Webb: Jeremy Usborne

Quotes 

• Mark Corrigan : Why do you even want to get back with her? She was really starting to annoy you.

  Jeremy Usborne : That was before we stopped going out.

  Mark Corrigan : Oh right, so now she's finished with you, suddenly you're in love with her again?

  Jeremy Usborne : Exactly. Duh! That's how love works, Mark.

• [about Johnson] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Oh, I've got a sweater around my shoulders, I'm not a corporate cocksucker, I'm a human being. Sure.

• Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  God, I only asked her to be a hooker, it's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.

• Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Hiding out in a car park. He's not exactly Grizzly Adams, but it's a start.

• Jeremy Usborne : I know my rights. I've spoken to my friends at the Citizens Advice Bureau. Pay up or I shall make a disturbance!

  Johnson : [getting out his wallet]  OK, sure, fine, if it'll make you feel any better. Here, £380. Cash. Will that do?

  Jeremy Usborne : I'll take it. And you know what? This means nothing to me. I haven't got a penny in the world, Suze, but this means nothing to me without you!

  [he throws the money out of the window] 

  Jeremy Usborne : There, you see? Now do you see? That's how I feel. Now will you go back out with me?

  Big Suze : Er, no, Jez. I'm just not really that into you.

  Jeremy Usborne : In that case... if you'll excuse me.

  [he climbs out of the window] 

• [Jeremy agrees to Johnson's "real-life Indecent Proposal" in which he'll pay Jeremy £530 to sleep with Big Suze] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Is this a terrible idea? It can't be, it's in a film. They wouldn't put a terrible idea in a film, they'd get sued.

• Jeremy Usborne : What do you see in Johnson?

  Big Suze : I just like him.

  Jeremy Usborne : Come on, is it because he's black?

  Big Suze : What? No! I hadn't even noticed.

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, you're making a mistake, Suze, because he's terrible at being black. I'm a better black man than he is.

  Big Suze : That sounds almost...

  Jeremy Usborne : Look, Suze, being black isn't about the colour of your skin, it's about vibe, about hanging out, kicking back, smoking a number, fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them, yeah? I'm down with all that, is Johnson? I mean, what's Johnson done for black people lately?

  Big Suze : You mean, apart from his mentoring and his community work?

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah, apart from that.

• Sophie Chapman : I sometimes wonder what I'm doing with Mark, getting married. I mean, whether he's really into me. And I have I lived enough? I've only slept with four men, is that enough?

  Jeremy Usborne : Four? Oh, yeah.

  [voiceover] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that and I basically only sleep with women.

  [to Sophie] 

  Jeremy Usborne : I mean, I might slip another one or two in, just to get your average up.

  Sophie Chapman : I don't know if I'm attractive enough to.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, you're attractive. You're a hottie, Soph. You're hot.

  Sophie Chapman : Ahh, that's nice, thanks Jez. You're pretty hot too.

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, here's to being hot.

  [they look into each other's eyes] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Shit, is this gonna happen? This is almost definitely a terrible idea. But I won't know for certain until I've actually done it.

  [they kiss] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  No, I was right, that was a terrible idea. That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. Although, maybe actually screwing each other will kind of make it weirdly better...

• Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  I feel so bad about betraying Mark. Still, another snog for Jez's snog book!

• Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  If she won't take my calls, how about I hit her with some petrol station flowers!