- Mark Corrigan: So, have you got kids?
- Foz: Not yet. Why?
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, no reason. I mean, I love kids. Not in a bad way, in a nice way. I mean, I'm not on the Child Protection Register... yet. Which proves I'm not a paedo!
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: This is going horribly. Need a joke.
- [to Foz and Sally]
- Mark Corrigan: Either that or I'm an incredibly hard-to-detect paedo!
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: Just move on from the paedo area entirely!
- Jeremy Usborne: Can I get you a drink?
- Russell: Oh, I'm full of Diet Coke here, man. I haven't had a proper drink for six years.
- [taps his nose]
- Russell: None of the party powder either.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, right. I mean, you've been as high as it's possible to go.
- Russell: Well, yeah. Yeah, I suppose I have.
- Jeremy Usborne: And you've been as low as it's possible to get.
- Russell: Yeah, yeah, I have.
- Jeremy Usborne: And what's it like when you're up that high?
- Russell: Ha, it's incredible!
- Jeremy Usborne: And what's it like when you're down that low?
- Russell: Ah, it's terrible. It's horrible.
- Super Hans: And what's it like when you're in the middle?
- Russell: It's, uh, you know, it's fine.
- Mark Corrigan: [arriving at his school reunion disco] Here they all are, my tormentors.
- Jeremy Usborne: Hope Nancy gets here soon. This is going to be perfect, she won't know anyone except me.
- Mark Corrigan: That's Faisal Butt. He used to call me a "flod". I think it was a mixture between a flid and a spod. That's Foz. He used to sit behind me in French and put bacon on my shoulders. That's Terry Carpenter. One of the more sophisticated bullies. Pretended I was Thatcher and he was Heseltine and that I needed ousting.
- Mark Corrigan: Haven't you got work in the morning?
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh yeah, that's really gonna break his balls if I roll in an hour late. Mark, this is Russell Orgazoid, he's a creative, I'm a creative. We don't make steam engines out of pig iron in this country anymore, yeah? We hang out, we fuck around on the Playstation, we have some Ben & Jerry's, that's how everyone makes their money now, yeah?
- [Jeremy has told Mark that his job working as a Handyman for Russell "The Orgazoid" involves giving him handjobs]
- Jeremy Usborne: And now I don't know what to do, cos on the one hand... On the one hand it's a really good job, but on the other I don't really want to go back to that place or have anything to do with him.
- Mark Corrigan: God, that's a really tough decision.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: Stay! Stay so I can use the house!
- Jeremy Usborne: I got Super Hans to fill in yesterday, said I was sick. There's loads needs doing before he comes back but I just feel a bit dirty, you know?
- Mark Corrigan: Mmm, yeah, I know what you mean, I feel the same sometimes when I come back from JLB and I've had to do loads of spreadsheets.
- Jeremy Usborne: I don't think it is the same, Mark. I feel like my soul is being chipped away bit by bit.
- Mark Corrigan: Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
- Jeremy Usborne: And you don't have to be a smackhead to wank off old geezers but that probably helps too.
- [the doorbell rings. Jeremy answers it - it's Super Hans]
- Super Hans: Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?
- Jeremy Usborne: Sorry, I didn't think.
- Super Hans: Well, you should have bloody thought. Jesus!
- Jeremy Usborne: Did you do it?
- Super Hans: Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?
- Nancy: What's going on? Who's wanking who off?
- Super Hans: Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
- Jeremy Usborne: No, I haven't! It's not...
- Nancy: [smiling] Jeremy, that is so you! I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.
- Mark Corrigan: As you're always saying, the Beastie Boys fought and possibly died for my right to party.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh my God. There she is, lovely Sally Slater. I should speak to her. But what the hell can I say? Anything that doesn't mention I masturbate over her memory is probably good. I mean, I think that's a compliment but women just don't seem to want to hear it. No, just spend the evening looking longingly at her from a distance, just like the good old days.
- [Mark has just called Sally]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Great call. Flirty but friendly, didn't overstep the mark. I could show Sophie the transcript. Maybe I should start taping my phone calls. No, Mark, that's how they got Nixon!
- Jeremy Usborne: What's going on? Are you trying to get your end away while Sophie's not here?
- Mark Corrigan: Sophie has not called me once yet, so there is actually a perfectly valid excuse for what I'm almost certainly not going to try to do, OK?
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] What do you do to avoid lion attack? Soil yourself? Or is that grizzly bears? Hate to shit myself for no reason *and* get eaten. The final humiliation.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] What am I doing? This isn't me, I can't have an affair! I'm not French, I'm the least French person on the planet, my favourite cheeses are Cheddar and Red Leicester!
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Orgazoid's handyman. This is a dream come true. Handyman to chauffeur to keyboard player, it's very well established career path.
- Mark Corrigan: Look, I've been invited to the Polefield School reunion at a school disco club and...
- Jeremy Usborne: But they all hated you at Polefield.
- Mark Corrigan: Well, the vast majority but there were some crumbs of comfort - the chess players, the poor and the posh-voiced. We formed a sub-strata, a secret society, below the radar of the norms.
- Jeremy Usborne: The norms?
- Mark Corrigan: The normalos. The Norman forces. Our oppressors.
- Jeremy Usborne: OK, if Sally was sitting here now and she said "Mark, let's do it" what would you say?
- Mark Corrigan: If she promised she wasn't a Glenn Close type and happened to have a recent clean AIDS certificate?
- Jeremy Usborne: Yes.
- Mark Corrigan: That's a hypothetical question. I don't answer hypothetical questions.