Siobhan Hayes: Abi Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : Oh, Abi. Any last-minute nerves?

  Abi Harper : No. Just a flutter of excitement in my tummy every time I look across the room and see Roger!

  Ben Harper : You sure it's excitement? Because nausea can feel very similar!

• Ben Harper : Erm, what's up?

  Abi Harper : It's just getting married. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

  Ben Harper : What? Is that marrying in general or marrying Roger? Because there is a difference.

• Ben Harper : Look, Abi, marriage is like... well, it's like a boxing match. You know? Two people in a ring, sometimes they're dancing together, sometimes they're holding on to each other for support, and the next minute they're knocking each other senseless.

  Abi Harper : Right.

  Ben Harper : But you know, when the whole thing's done, the final bell's rung, you can count on one thing.

  Abi Harper : You'll go up to each other and have a little cuddle?

  Ben Harper : Nah, you're gonna need medical attention!

• Susan Harper : Abi, what is this?

  Abi Harper : I can't go through with it! I just can't!

  Susan Harper : Why? You and Roger are made for each other! He's a lovely man!

  Abi Harper : Exactly. I'm not good enough for him. I'm just like my mum. Oh, I'll be alright for the first year or 18 months, then my head will get turned by some flashy used car dealer and I'll be on the first yacht to Monte!

  Susan Harper : What?

  Abi Harper : We've always been flighty, us Harper women. Infidelity runs in the blood. Roger deserves better than that.

  Susan Harper : Abi, it doesn't work like that. I'm nothing like my mother. She's an alcoholic control freak who can't cook! All I'm trying to say is just because your mother is an amoral philandering trollop doesn't mean that you are.

  Abi Harper : Do you really mean that?

  Susan Harper : Of course I do!

  Abi Harper : But what about what Ben said?

  Susan Harper : What did Ben say?

  Abi Harper : About how marriage is like being punched in the face for 12 rounds by Mike Tyson.

  Susan Harper : Did he? That's what marriage is going to be like for Ben!

• Susan Harper : [about Ben]  Now how could you ever think a man like that could be right about anything?

  Abi Harper : I know what you mean! He's an idiot, isn't he?

• Susan Harper : [Guessing who Abi has a crush on]  This man - it's not Johnny Depp, is it?

  Abi Harper : How did you guess? It's written all over my face!

  Susan Harper : Abi, there's nothing wrong in fancying Johnny Depp. I fancy Johnny Depp.

  Abi Harper : Back off! He's mine!

  Susan Harper : No, Abi. Everyone fancies Johnny Depp. Even Ben fancies Johnny Depp - a bit.