- Charlie Harper: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?
- Alan Harper: I don't scream when I pee?
- Charlie Harper: [about how the eyes of Fernando, the handsome handyman, seem to look into your soul] Women used to say that about... my eyes.
- Jake Harper: Really? 'Cause now they're kinda milky and bloodshot.
- Alan Harper: [to Charlie] You're a lecherous old guy who bought a young woman's affection with shiny baubles.