The Office (TV Series)
Branch Wars (2007)
John Krasinski: Jim Halpert
Photos
Quotes
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Jim Halpert : [in the car, talking to Dwight and Michael over the walkie talkie, he sees Karen nearby] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Karen's back.
Dwight Schrute : Is it Karen?
Michael Scott : Take her to a motel. Make love to her, Jim.
Jim Halpert : No. I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott : Just say you want to get back together.
Jim Halpert : No. I'm not doing that.
Michael Scott : It doesn't have to mean anything. Just do it for Stanley. Come on, Jim. Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Oh, God.
[groaning]
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[Jim, Michael and Dwight are in the car driving to Utica, Jim and Michael hear a strange noise]
Michael Scott : What is that?
[looks around]
Michael Scott : Dwight, are you peeing?
Dwight Schrute : I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim Halpert : Oh, my God.
Michael Scott : Oh, come on, man. That is disgusting, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute : You said we couldn't make any more stops. I really had to go.
Michael Scott : Oh, God!
Jim Halpert : Michael, watch the road!
Dwight Schrute : Hey, you're making me spray!
Michael Scott : I'm going to kill you, man!
Jim Halpert : Michael, Michael, pull over!
Michael Scott : That is just so disgusting.
Dwight Schrute : I think I cut my penis on the lid.
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[Michael and Dwight updating Jim over the walkie-talkie]
Michael Scott : There's a guy. There's a guy.
Dwight Schrute : There's a security guard coming by. Hello. We're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?
[Jim looks at the camera]
Security Guard : Okay.
Michael Scott : Oh, my God. That was very close.
Dwight Schrute : I can see the security guard's eyes.
Jim Halpert : No. No. Don't do anything to them.
Dwight Schrute : I have to do something to his eyes.
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[Jim talking to Michael and Dwight over the walkie-talkie]
Jim Halpert : All right, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home.
Michael Scott : [over walkie] We've got something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier.
Jim Halpert : Isn't that thing huge?
Dwight Schrute : It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running.
Jim Halpert : No. That is a terrible idea. Don't do this.
[Michael screams over the walkie as there is loud crashing heard, too]
Michael Scott : [groaning] My hip bone! We're wedged between the copier and the railing! I'm stuck. Oh, my left hip!
Dwight Schrute : Leave us, Jim! Leave us. Save yourself.
Michael Scott : Help us. No! Don't leave us. We need help, Jim!
Jim Halpert : Okay, first of all, stop using my name. And second of all...
Michael Scott : You've got to move out!
Jim Halpert : Damn it, guys!
Michael Scott : [to Dwight] Would you move over just a little bit?
Dwight Schrute : I'm losing control of my bladder!
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Jim Halpert : [after Pam invites him to the Finer Things Club] Angela's Ashes, top of the morning to it. Frankie's prose is finer than a pot of gold, say aye.
Oscar : Ok, did you get it out of your system?
Jim Halpert : Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. That was a fun read.
Toby Flenderson : Fun?
Jim Halpert : Mm-hm.
Toby Flenderson : Really?
Jim Halpert : Yeah.
Toby Flenderson : What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?
Jim Halpert : Uh, no, that wasn't... fun.
Toby Flenderson : Did you even read it?
Jim Halpert : Of course I read it.
Oscar : How does it end?
[Jim clears his throat]
Jim Halpert : Who is the main character?
Jim Halpert : Angela. Nope, the ashes.
Pam Beesly : [Mouthing to Oscar] Sorry.
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Michael Scott : So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?
Jim Halpert : What?
Michael Scott : I can't imagine the sex being bad. I mean, her body is awesome.
Jim Halpert : Okay, you know what? Why don't we play that alphabet game you were talking about?
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Dwight Schrute : And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guard in the eye with a jumbo chalk.
Jim Halpert : No. No, you won't do that. Nope.
Dwight Schrute : Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim Halpert : Dwight, nothing with the eyes. Please?
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Michael Scott : [over the walkie-talkie] We are in the stairwell.
Dwight Schrute : We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.
Jim Halpert : Okay, you know what? You really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.
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Karen Filippelli : Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight Schrute : Listen, lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen Filippelli : I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight Schrute : Then we will burn Utica to the ground!
Jim Halpert : Dwight...
Michael Scott : [Clears his throat after a long pause] Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as hurt a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground.
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Jim Halpert : Dumbest thing we've ever done.