Everybody Hates Chris (TV Series)

Everybody Hates the New Kid (2007)

Chris Rock: Narrator

Quotes 

• Narrator : How can my life be this much of a soap opera with no women involved?

• Narrator : One black kid Caruso could handle, but two of us was like Will and Martin in "Bad Boys."

• Rochelle : [after Rochelle pours the variety pack of cereal into a big bowl after Drew and Tonya keep fighting over it]  Now eat the damn cereal!

  Narrator : Eat the Damn Cereal. Coming soon from Kellogg's.

• Chris : [to Greg after speaking with Albert]  I told you I'd be back.

  Greg Wuliger : Yeah, but for how long, Chris? For how long?

  [walks off] 

  Narrator : That concludes another episode of "As The Nerd Turns."

• Ms. Morello : [after Albert spray paints a bad word about Ms. Morello outside the school]  Who would possess the vulgar cultural background and raw, angry, street talent to do something like this?

  Narrator : I'll give you one guess and it starts with Albert.

• Ms. Morello : Chris, you must be so happy. You must feel just like Jackie Robinson when Larry Doby arrived.

  Narrator : More like Robert Perish when Dennis Johnson showed up.

  Chris : Who's Larry Doby?

  Ms. Morello : He was the second black man in baseball, but he was taller than Jackie and more... strapping. With his strong shoulders and Nubian profile, his Cleveland Indians uniform complimented by the rich caramel color of his skin, and the way he swung his bat.

  [giggles] 

  Narrator : Forget jungle fever. She's having a jungle seizure.

• Narrator : The only one who wasn't looking forward to Albert being at Corleone was Greg.

  Chris : I'm going to go talk to the new kid.

  Greg Wuliger : I've been dreading this day.

  Chris : What are you talking about?

  Greg Wuliger : I always knew that someday, someone would come along that had more in common with you.

  Chris : Just 'cause he's black? Greg, that's silly.

  Narrator : Not that silly.

• Chris : [to Albert]  What school did you go to?

  Albert : Strom Thurmond Junior High.

  Narrator : The only black kids allowed there were children of Strom Thurmond.

• Rochelle : [after Rochelle gets a tax refund check]  Kiss my ass, Visa!

  Narrator : Visa was actually the name of the lady who collected bills for MasterCard.

• Chris : [to Greg]  And I don't care what other kids say. I'm going to hang out with Albert, but that doesn't mean you and me can't still be friends.

  Greg Wuliger : Oh, really? Then why is it that ever since he's gotten here, I've seen less and less of you?

  Chris : What are you talking about? We're together now.

  Greg Wuliger : Well, this doesn't count. I mean, we don't even eat lunch together anymore, you haven't returned my phone calls, but hey, things can change, right?

  Narrator : Is this a show about my childhood or an episode of "Dr. Phil"?

• Chris : [to Greg about Albert]  What do you want me to say? We have a lot in common. He gets stuff that you don't.

  Greg Wuliger : Like what?

  Narrator : Sickle-cell anemia.

• Chris : Hey, Greg, we're going to go hang out later. Want to come?

  Greg Wuliger : Who's we?

  Chris : Me and Albert.

  Greg Wuliger : Oh, so you're "we" now? You know, you and I used to be "we." Now all of a sudden, we have nothing in common.

  Chris : What's wrong with you?

  Greg Wuliger : I've been hearing some pretty bad things about your new friend, Albert.

  Chris : Like what?

  Greg Wuliger : People are saying he's not who he pretends to be. I mean, he's cool with you, but he's a jerk to everyone else.

  Chris : You know, I think you're just jealous. Besides, what do you think other kids say about me behind my back?

  Narrator : I think it starts with the letter "N."