- Ned the Groovy TV Newsman: This scene looks like your ordinary farm.
- Ned the Groovy TV Newsman: But last night, farmer Edward O'Fallon says his livestock were captured by spacemen.
- Edward O'Fallon: I thought it was the ugly ex-wife and her friends takin' me cows from afar 'til I saw the flying saucer!
- Liam McCarthy: Who are you hiring rather than me?
- Liam McCarthy: I am a very qualified part time employee.
- Mr. Taylor: Quite.
- Mr. Taylor: But Princess Hailey has acquired a 40 million pound yacht financed by the British taxpayers.
- Mr. Taylor: She needs a paid job to look like she's a working royal.
- Narrator: Word of the alien invasions spread.
- Narrator: A New York TV newsman flew to Northern Ireland to get to the bottom of the story.
- Narrator: As he sped away in his rental car, he wondered about what he would find.
- Narrator: He hoped the story might give him the promotion he needed.
- Narrator: Women only date rich newsreaders, and shallow women like that are the most attractive dates.
- Edward O'Fallon: I was finishing my last pint at the dinner table, and I saw them.
- Edward O'Fallon: Strange, skinny green men!
- Eekwokwiggilywop: How may I help you, Earthling?
- Liam McCarthy: For weeks, you've been stealing my livestock.
- Liam McCarthy: Tonight, you took my last cow!
- Eekwokwiggilywop: We aren't stealing.
- Eekwokwiggilywop: We are borrowing.
- Eekwokwiggilywop: When we are finished taking apart your animals and studying them, we will return every piece of every animal back to your farm in one organized pile.
- Eekwokwiggilywop: How did you know I was not from this planet?
- Eekwokwiggilywop: Sunuwammywopwop!
- Eekwokwiggilywop: I told you we would be discovered by Earthlings if we didn't wear clothing!
- Sunuwammywopwop: Blast!
- Sunuwammywopwop: My apologies.
- Sunuwammywopwop: The John Wayne cowboy wardrobe was ready to go.
- Sunuwammywopwop: I have failed our mission!
- Mr. Taylor: Others on my list of unqualified applicants include my wife, Hilary the photo editor's boyfriend, my cousin's ex- boyfriend, the cute bird outside knocking on my window at lunch time, and the janitor's son's wife's six year old cousin.