- Mr. Floppy: [on the subject of new identities in Mexico] You wanna be appealing to men and attractive to women.
- Jack Malloy: Uh-huh. Like Madonna.
- Mr. Floppy: No, appealing to men.
- Jack Malloy: I don't wanna be appealing to men.
- Mr. Floppy: Then stop singing YMCA in the shower.
- Jack Malloy: Look, you just watch out for yourself. We're heading for Mexico, and you can very easily find yourself swinging from a tree, stuffed with candy.
- Jennie Malloy: Where is that man? He's been gone for hours.
- Tiffany Malloy: Mom, did you ever think once Daddy gets in the car, he might just run?
- Jennie Malloy: Oh, not your father. He doesn't have the guts. Or a sense of direction. In or out of the car. Oh, if he didn't run when I told him I was pregnant, he'd never run.
- Jennie Malloy: Oh, but you should have seen your father when I first met him. He had such cute little hopes and dreams. I remember many a night he'd say: She ate a watermelon, she's not pregnant. And I'd say: Wake up, Jack, you're dreaming.
- Ryan Malloy: Wait a second. If you guys were married in February, and I was born in May...
- [grabs a yellow notepad]
- Jennie Malloy: Oh, but your Daddy was so cute back then. I was too. As a matter of fact, I looked just like you.
- [pointing at Tiffany]
- Tiffany Malloy: [alarmed] Oh my God! You are kidding, aren't you?
- Jennie Malloy: [seething] No, I'm not!
- [causing her daughter to go into despair about her doomed future]
- Tiffany Malloy: You know, I don't think Daddy is ever coming back.
- Ross Malloy: I want my lollipop.
- Jennie Malloy: Oh, Daddy will be here with him soon, honey. He'd never run. He's got a conscience and no imagination...
- [looks disappointed]
- Jennie Malloy: and that's bad when you're having sex. But it's good when you want lollipops.
- Mr. Floppy: [last lines, reading fan mail] Dear Unhappily Ever After, I think your show is nothing but a cheap rip-off of Married With Children, Fred M., Chicago, Illinois. Fred, that's ridiculous. Does that show have a bunny that talks like me? Plus, we have three children. Three! Two boys and a girl! You, sir, are an... idiot! Send your emo letters to Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Don't pick on the little guy! We love you!
- [adding as an afterthought:]
- Mr. Floppy: And be kind to the frog. He hasn't worked in forty years.
- Ryan Malloy: Dad, how long is a woman pregnant?
- Jack Malloy: Take my advice, son, you don't want to stick around long enough to find out.