Gabriel Iglesias: Hot and Fluffy (2007 TV Special)

Gabriel Iglesias: Self

Quotes 

• Gabriel Iglesias : And speaking of that, I get pulled over by a cop one night, two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. Alright? Don't get ahead of me, watch, I made a left turn instead of making a right, but I wasn't paying attention 'cause I had a box, I was, like,

  [gasp] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Oh, you're gonna get it when you get home! Oh, you've been so bad. So...

  [female screech] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : you're gonna get it." I'm not paying attention, I go the wrong way, right?

  [rrr] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Sure enough,

  [siren] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : [shout]  Ohhh! I pull over.

  [rrr and screech] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Mm. "Later."

  [ba-ba-ba] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I'm sitting there patiently waiting and the cop is taking forever. I said, "The hell with this, he's taking too long." I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open, right? And...

  [mmmm] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : [lascivious chuckle] 

  [mmm] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : [high-pitched screeches]  Oh, I was gonna get nasty. And just as I was about to tear it up, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."

  [points to open box of doughnuts and smiles] 

• Gabriel Iglesias : Three years ago, I bought a Beetle without even thinking.

  [audience laughs tepidly] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : That's not the joke. Shut up.

  [audience laughs] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : See? I can't even tell you guys the joke, you're already,

  [imitating audience] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Ha ha ha!" I wasn't thinking. I bought the car. It was affordable, economical, brand-new freakin' Beetle for like seventeen grand, I'm like "AAH!" First new car. I go to show it off at my friend, Martin's house. I thought it was nice. I pull up, I'm like

  [imitates engine revving and tires screeching, yells] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "MARTIIIIIIIIIIIN!"

  [explaining to audience] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : He lives in the hood. I don't get out the car. Across the street, there are these, like, gang members. The kind of gang members... they don't really get into... ya know, like shooting people and stuff like that. They just hang out on the porch and talk a lot of smack. And so I'm there in a Beetle and across the street, I hear this, right? I'm like, "MARTIIIIIIIIIN!" And over here, I hear, "¡Órale!"

  [to the gang members] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Hey, what's up, guys? How's it goin'?"

  [as gang member] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "How'd you get in there, essé?"

  [as himself, yelling] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Hurry up, Martin!" Two months later, I go back to pick him up. Now I've had some time to work on the car, right? I put some rims on it, some stickers, I put a chip in the motor so it goes faster. I thought it was bad, right? I pull up.

  [imitates engine revving, tires squealing] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "MARTIIIIIIIIIN!"

  [as gang member] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "¡Órale!"

  [as himself] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Nuh-uh. I'm not turning around."

  [as gang member] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Ay!"

  [as himself] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Mm-mm."

  [as gang member] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Ay!"

  [as himself] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "I don't see you."

  [as gang member] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Yoo-hoo!"

  [grunts] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Ay!"

  [as himself] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "What?"

  [as gang member] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Check it out, ay! It's the Fat and the Furious!"

• Gabriel Iglesias : And for the record, I'm not fat. I'm fluffy!

  [applause] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : For those of you who still don't know, there are five levels of fatness. "Fluffy" is one of the levels. There's "big", "healthy", "husky", "fluffy" and "DAMN!". I'm still number four. People go "How do you know when you're number five?" Well, those people will tell you, you know? If you try to go on a elevator that's crowded and people stop you and go "Mm-mmm! DAMN!" If you go to Disneyland and little kids wanna ride you!

  [as a little boy] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "I wanna get on that one!"

  [growls] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "DAMN!"

• Gabriel Iglesias : I got kicked out of a bar on St. Patrick's Day! I was performing at the bar. How do I get thrown out, right? Y'know, I'm havin' fun, people are giving me free drinks. "Here! Have another drink!" I'm like "Woooo!" I started pissing off the management and the owners of this Irish place taht I was at, right? The bartender's like, "Hey, buddy! Relax! Are you okay? Are you having a good time?" I was so drunk, I did this:

  [in an Irish accent] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "I'm havin' a great time!" People around me: "Omigod! Are you Irish?" I was like, "Aye!" Like, "What part of Ireland are you from?" "Uh, downtown." "Are you here by yourself?" "Oh, no. I'm not here by myself. DONKEY!" Now if you're not laughing, you need to get out more often, because that's a funny joke! That's hysterical! Ask a 10-year-old, they'll tell you, "That's funny!" I did that joke one night in Memphis, Tennessee and some guy thought he knew why it was funny and he was way off, but he confronted me outside, all drunk, "Hey! You! Fluffy!" I'm like, "What?" "'Mere." "Nuh-uh, *you* 'mere!" And he walks over, and he's like, "I hafta tell ya, yer show was hysterical! I damn near wet myself when you said, 'Donkey!' My friend, Roy, didn't laugh, so I had ta explain it to him and he thinks I'm wrong, but I know I'm right. Could ya set the record straight?" "Sure. What'd you tell your friend?" "Okay, look here. I told 'im the reason why it's funnier than hell that you said 'Donkey!'... It's cuz yer Mexican! An' you people ride donkeys!" Normally, I would've been all over this guy, but two things. One: I was in Memphis, Tennessee. No support. And two: the guy was drunk. I don't deal with drunk people, man, nuh-uh.

• Gabriel Iglesias : When you're drunk, you become one of three people, you're either the "I love you" guy, the "I hate you" guy, or the "mere" guy. You know that guy? "Aaaaaaaaaay!... 'Mere." I know 'cause that's usually me.

• Gabriel Iglesias : No, sometimes I use my voices for evil, man, I won't lie. If I don't have my way, like, when I go to drive-thrus, and they screw up my order,

  [gasp] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : oh, I'm evil. I go back around and I start ordering but I throw them off by doing this. They'll come on the speaker:

  [imitates drive-thru speaker] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Welcome to Fantastic Burger, how can I help you?"

  [as himself] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I'll do this...

  [in a high-pitched girl voice] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Hello, sir?

  [laughs] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Hi! Can I please have a double cheeseburger, an order of fries and a shake?"

  [laughs] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : [as drive-thru speaker]  "Double cheeseburger, order of fries and a shake?

  [in girl voice] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Omigawd, yes!"

  [as drive-thru speaker] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Thank you, pull up to the window."

  [normal voice] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Then I pull up. Oh, they're not expecting me.

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : [rrr, brakes screech]  Oh, the look on their face is the best, right?

  [as drive-thru guy] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Did you just order?"

  [nods] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : They come back with a bag of food.

  [as drive-thru guy] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Um, would you like ketchup?" That's where I let 'em have it.

  [high-pitched girl voice] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Omigawd, yes! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

• Gabriel Iglesias : I love cake, man, are you kidding? By the way, I wanna thank the three people who brought me a cake personally. I have them in the back. I really appreciate it. That was very nice of you. The management and the promoters are freaking out there, like, "Gabriel, why do they all bring you cake?" I go, "Because on TV, I talked about one time how much I love cake. And so people bring it." My friend Mondo got mad. He's like, "Why don't you talk about hookers?"

• Gabriel Iglesias : One time I took a trip

  [to Disneyland] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : with my buddy, Mondo. A big guy, another big guy. And I went with him because his family, they decided to go and he didn't want to be the only one hanging out by the strollers. So we're hanging out at the end of the day, my buddy Mondo goes, "Dude, we should get on a ride!" I go, "Which one? We can't get on none of them, dude, we're too big." He goes, "There's a ride here at Disneyland that's called Splash Mountain." I go, "What is that?" He goes, "It's a log and you get inside the log and it goes uphill, it goes down, and makes a splash. No seatbelt, no pull-bar. You just get in and go." I go, "No seatbelt? No pull-bar?"

  [high-pitched laugh] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : So we get in line for our ride, we're all pumped up, and I see people getting off the ride with these little note cards. I go, "What are those?" He goes, "Oh, they take a photo of you when you go downhill." "Oh, okay, cool." So we get to the front of the line, and then we have to deal with the lady with the headset, the lady who takes her job way too serious, "Okay, how many people? Four? Okay. Two here, two here. How many, five? Okay, three there, two there." We get to the front, "How many peo...?"

  [laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Who cares? We get our own boat. We take off.

  [beeping, hissing, chugging, splashing] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : We're splishing and splashing like little kids!

  [high-pitched laughter] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Three minutes go by, the moment of truth, we get to the hill.

  [splash, chugging, chugging stops, hissing] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : My buddy Mondo turns around, he says, "Dude, let's flash the camera!" I said, "You're stupid. I'm down." So as soon as they let us go, right?

  [hissing, long howl, he mimes taking off his shirt, howl, splash] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : We get off the ride, we are soaking wet,

  [screeching laughter, squish, squish] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : We're all rosado right here. We got a mean old baby rash.

  [squish, squish] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : We go to buy the picture, and there's a lady behind the counter with her hand on the screen.

  [chuckles] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : And I ask my buddy Mondo, I said, "Bro, what boat are we?" He says, "22." I go, "She's covering 22!" He goes, "Oh, we better sneak out of here." Ho, yeah, we're gonna sneak out.

  [squish, squish] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : We get past the picture girl but then we get stopped by Disney Security. And you have not lived until you been stopped by a freaking man wearing a badge in the shape of a mouse. This guy was like,

  [Southern male accent] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Hold on! Hold on a second! Ma'am, move away your hand from the screen. You guys see what I see here? That's a disgrace to this park! We can't believe anyone could take such a photo. My question to you guys... Do you recognize the two big women in this picture?" And it wasn't until we walked over to this photo that my buddy Armando and I realized something about ourselves. And that is that when two full-grown fluffy men are going downhill at a 45-degree angle, with no shirts on, going like this, we both look like sexy bitches.

• Gabriel Iglesias : I had a little encounter one time on a plane. Some guy was getting a little weird, and I'm like, Uh-uh, no more for me. Every time I get on a plane, there's always drama. Always. One time I'm flying to Florida and our plane got hit by lightning. Uh-huh. The plane drops 600 feet

  [whoosh] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : straight down. That was better than any ride you've ever been on. I don't care who you are, you could've been freakin' doin' 20 years in prison, you killed a hundred people, you can be the baddest toughest dude ever. When you're in a plane and it just drops out of the sky,

  [gasps] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Woo! I was gay for five seconds. I'm not gonna lie!

  [screeches, weeping, screech] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : Oh, I was a Brokeback Mexican, yes, I was. I was in touch with myself.

• Gabriel Iglesias : It kind of bothers me whenever people go,

  [female voice] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "What is it like being a Latino comedian?"

  [normal voice] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : I go, "I don't know, I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino."

  [female voice] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "What's the difference?"

  [normal voice] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "The difference is my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo."

• Gabriel Iglesias : Americans, we love to vote but we don't vote for Presidents. We vote for things like American Idol. Because that's fun. Voting for presidents is not fun. Voting for American- Shebang! Shebang! That's what they should do for presidents. Just put both guys on TV for one hour, call it something catchy like "Who's Gonna Run This Bitch?" You put 'em on TV for an hour, let 'em argue thirty minutes into the special, you put an 800 number on the screen, and say "Cast Your Vote." "You've reached the presidential hotline. For George Bush, press three. John Kerry, press four. Other options, press five. You don't like either one? Press five."

  [beeps] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : "Please hold."

  [hums "Hail to the Chief", then rings] 

  Gabriel Iglesias : [imitating Bill Clinton, chuckling]  "I knew you'd be back. That's right. You know you miss your daddy."