Psych (TV Series)

If You're So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead? (2007)

Timothy Omundson: Carlton Lassiter

Quotes 

• Juliet O'Hara : [to secretary]  Hi, SBPD. Can we please get the class schedules for these students? Thank you.

  [secretary nods, walks away] 

  Carlton Lassiter : Lesson number three: Don't say "please", don't say "thank you", and definitely don't say "hi". Spirit squad auditions were over ten years ago. You're an authority figure. Act like it.

  Juliet O'Hara : Ever heard, "You catch more flies with honey"?

  Carlton Lassiter : Lesson number four: Don't quote cornpone country-bumpkin sayings to your commanding officer.

  Juliet O'Hara : How many lessons are there?

  Carlton Lassiter : Six hundred and thirty-eight.

• Juliet O'Hara : Guess what today is.

  Carlton Lassiter : It's not one of those touchy-feely holidays invented by card companies to goad me into buying a present for someone I couldn't care less about, is it?

• Carlton Lassiter : [about Kirk]  He's wearing makeup.

  Shockley : Is he gay?

  Shawn Spencer : No. Well, maybe. Look, I don't...I don't know.

• Carlton Lassiter : Listen, O'Hara... given your slightly pedestrian performance and the fact that this has now jumped to a straight-up homicide, maybe I should take over as lead.

  Juliet O'Hara : But why? This is my case!

  Carlton Lassiter : Which was fine when it was just kids telling tales, but... there are certain nuances involved in a murder investigation which require a more experienced touch.

  Juliet O'Hara : Nuances the chief says I'll learn by being primary.

  Carlton Lassiter : Yeah, but...

  Juliet O'Hara : But what?

  Carlton Lassiter : There was an explosion. I've never had a case with an explosion before. I've had assault and burglary cases, once I even had a murder by thermometer, but I've never had an explosion. I mean, come on! Haven't you ever pictured yourself trying to outrun a fireball down a dark tunnel?

  Juliet O'Hara : No.

• Juliet O'Hara : This anniversary means that my one year probationary period is over. So, what I want...that is, what would be good...what I'm trying to say is...I think I'm entitled to be primary on a case.

  [pause] 

  Carlton Lassiter : How late are the shops open tonight?

• Juliet O'Hara : Seriously, are you guys working my case?

  Shawn Spencer : Case? What case? No, no, no, they've been after me for a while now to teach a class.

  Carlton Lassiter : [to Juliet]  What do we say?

  Juliet O'Hara : Hmm? Oh, right.

  [Juliet clears her throat, then lifts her finger at Shawn] 

  Juliet O'Hara : Stay out of our way and don't get involved, Spencer!

• [Shawn has just accused Kirk of a fifteen year old murder] 

  Carlton Lassiter : What, are you nuts? He's a kid.

  Shawn Spencer : True. So how could this be possible, class?

  Shockley : Time travel. He cryogenically froze himself in order to travel to the future.

  Shawn Spencer : No.

  Goddard : He's a clone of the original!

  [pause] 

  Shawn Spencer : Know what? Never mind, guys. Just... save it for your online role-play.

• Juliet O'Hara : If you confess now, name your accomplices, I will let the D.A. know you cooperated and maybe, just maybe, no guarantees, JUST maybe... they'll cut you a break.

  [pauses, then flips a chair for emphasis] 

  Carlton Lassiter : It's terrible.

  Juliet O'Hara : What?

  Carlton Lassiter : Am I scared? Am I quaking? No. That was what I call "lower-case" mad. You need to be "upper-case" mad.