- Eleanor Shellstrop: New plan: Forget the toasts. We do nothing. We hope that our early successes make up for the embarrassing mess we've become. Like Facebook. Or America.
- Brent Norwalk: Man, crazy twist, huh? It's like something out of a Chip Driver novel.
- Chidi Anagonye: Leave me alone, Brent.
- Brent Norwalk: I'm kind of freaking out over here, man. You're my only real friend.
- Chidi Anagonye: No, I'm not your friend. I don't even like you.
- Brent Norwalk: But you helped me.
- Chidi Anagonye: Yeah, I did, because I have this stupid moral code that forces me to help everyone. But you have never helped anyone, because you don't care about other people. Which is the bare minimum that a person has to do, just care a little about the other people around you, and you can't do it.
- Brent Norwalk: What are you trying to say here?
- Chidi Anagonye: [slowly and deliberately] You are a bad person.
- [cut to Eleanor and the rest of the crew watching from outside]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You can do this.
- Michael: Come on, dum-dum. Faster.
- [long pause]
- Brent Norwalk: No, I'm not.
- [gets up and backs away from Chidi, eyes widening]
- Brent Norwalk: I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not a bad person. I'm not. I'm a good person!
- [glances around the room in desperation]
- Brent Norwalk: Oh, man... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... No, no...
- [pause]
- Brent Norwalk: Look, Chidi... whatever happens next, I, um... I need to say this to you, all right? I am... I am so, so sor...
- [countdown clock reaches zero and the experiment freezes]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: We threw Brent in there because there is no reason any of them should help him because Brent sucks. Brent is the opposite of a box of doughnuts.
- Jason Mendoza: Toilet full of broccoli.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Yeah, kinda, Brent is a toilet full of broccoli. But because he sucks so bad, if they do risk their safety to help him, they'll get more points.
- Jason Mendoza: Basically it's a Hail Mary. It's risky, but if we complete it, we win the game.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: [to Eleanor] That was two good analogies in a row. I'm now worried that he's a demon in a Jason suit.
- Chidi Anagonye: You're not going to the Best Place! Don't you get it? They're torturing you! They're torturing all of us. Because this is the Bad Place.
- [camera zooms in on Eleanor and Michael, who cackle maniacally]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out!
- Brent Norwalk: Wait... he's right? This is the Bad Place?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Yeah. Damn it, he's right.
- Michael: We had a good run, though, didn't we?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Yeah, we did.
- [they both laugh]
- Brent Norwalk: So no Best Place?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [mockingly] "Oh, so no Best Place?"
- Michael: Oh, Brent, you big white oaf! Never change, bud.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Well, I guess we should let 'em know you guys are on your way.
- Michael: Yeah.
- Brent Norwalk: Wait. On our way where?
- Michael: The actual Bad Place. They let us toy with you a little just for kicks, but now you're going...
- [points downward]
- Michael: And trust me on this: it's a lot worse.
- Michael: Guys, I think we're cooked. It's over.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, no way. I am not giving up. I told you, I only play games I can win. And I played this game, so that means we can win.
- Janet: I don't think that tracks.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Shut up. What do you know?
- Janet: Literally everything, but keep going. I am liking this energy from you.
- Simone Garnett: Look, wherever we are, I do not want to be here when the clock hits zero, okay? Now might be our only chance to escape.
- Chidi Anagonye: Not without Brent.
- John Wheaton: Do you really think if the roles were reversed he would waste any time rescuing you?
- Chidi Anagonye: Maybe, if Elle Macpherson were nearby and he wanted to impress her or he thought I was a prince he could ransom. That's not the point. He is a person in a hole! I have a duty to help get him out. What he would do is irrelevant.
- Simone Garnett: I don't think it is. If you do a science experiment a thousand times and always get the same result, you move on. We've given Brent a thousand chances to be a good person. In one of them, he was so awful, you punched him in the face.
- Chidi Anagonye: Okay, but when I did that, I thought cutting him out of our group meant that he would have to find another place *in Heaven* to hang out. That's changed. I can't just leave him.
- [pause]
- Simone Garnett: Well... I respect your position.
- Chidi Anagonye: [face falls] I respect yours.
- [Simone walks away and gets into Brent's Escalade]
- John Wheaton: Look, I know everything's really scary right now, but I just have to say it: that was the most boring breakup I've ever seen.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Speaking of which, the theme is "One Year Down, Infinity to Go." Dress is London black tie. That means Knightsbridge black tie, not Kensington or, heaven forbid, West Brompton.
- [laughs]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Can you imagine?
- Jason Mendoza: [laughing naively] No.
- Brent Norwalk: [clinging to the side of a giant hell hole] I'm not scared! I'm shouting so you know I'm okay. I am very brave.
- Michael: Oh, man. Was this a bad idea? I mean, what if this was a bad idea?
- Jason Mendoza: It wasn't, homey. It was a good idea.
- Michael: Can anyone else weigh in?
- Jason Mendoza: I'm serious. In football, trying to run out the clock and hoping for the best never works. It's called "prevent defense." You don't take any chances and just try and hang on to your lead. But prevent defense just prevents you from winning. It's always better to try something.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: [Everyone is silently awed] Jason, that was coherent.
- Jason Mendoza: Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to.
- Brent Norwalk: Well, right at the beginning, I talked to Mike and Eleanor, and they were like, "Yeah, don't tell anyone this, but there's a place better than this: the Best Place. And that's where you're headed, amigo."
- Chidi Anagonye: I don't think they actually called you amigo.
- Brent Norwalk: I had to go through the year here. Kind of a test, I guess, which, obviously, I aced. So at midnight, I'm in the first Escalade out of here, baby.
- Simone Garnett: Brent.
- Brent Norwalk: Yeah?
- Simone Garnett: Think about this.
- Brent Norwalk: Okay.
- Simone Garnett: How could YOU get into the Best Place? You would literally have to be one of the most incredible people in the universe.
- Brent Norwalk: [He pauses, thinking] I mean, it makes sense to me. I don't know what to tell you.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Brent was the right choice. It's not a tough call whether to save Chidi because he's a brilliant and kind person with a caboose you can bounce a quarter off of, and I know because I've done it.
- Simone Garnett: Think rationally. Isn't it weird that she only told one of us that we're soul mates?
- Chidi Anagonye: Is it odd? Yes. Does it mean that Eleanor's motives are questionable? Also yes. But does it suggest that she wasn't being truthful? Yes. Okay, I'm starting to see your point.
- Simone Garnett: Did you find anything?
- Chidi Anagonye: Just some song lyrics Michael wrote: Here's a trippy little ditty/'bout a train to groovy city/open up your freaky crystal mind/ and we'll have a cosmic good time.
- Simone Garnett: See, that makes me think we're in hell.
- Michael: What else can we try? We've already blown everything up. We can't blow it up again.
- Jason Mendoza: If there's one thing I know in this world is that you can always blow up the same thing twice.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Simone, look at this logically. We are in paradise! There's fresh air, mountains, Janet! And yes, some of us are under 5'10", but other than that, it is literally perfect here!
- Simone Garnett: No it is not. Jason is proof! And if you need more evidence that this isn't the Good Place, clearly he's not the only one who doesn't belong.
- [looks pointedly at Brent]
- Brent Norwalk: Actually, she's right.
- [Everyone stares incredulously]
- Brent Norwalk: And I know it for a fact.
- Chidi Anagonye: ...for the first time ever, I am desperate for you to keep talking.